Musings of a madwoman

Firepot soup

2012-01-26T14:59:00.000-08:00

I really love when a recipe ends up tasting like something delicious that you've eaten in a restaurant before.

I've had this Thai soup in one form or another in a variety of different Thai restaurants, since it's often served before a meal. I was completely thrilled that this recipe ended up tasting extraordinarily close to the restaurant version. But what made it better, in my opinion, is that this version is heartier. You can put shrimp, chicken, or tofu in it, and serve it over rice, and it's just the thing on a cold evening.

And, to boot, is ridiculously easy to make.

There are really only a handful of ingredients. You slap a few tablespoons of Thai curry in a hot pan with some canola oil, then throw in a can of coconut milk and some chicken stock. Next up comes your lemongrass, basil, a squeeze of lime, a little brown sugar, a little fish sauce, and Thai chilies, if you like it spicy. I do, but I couldn't find Thai chilies, so I settled on a jalapeno, which I think worked great. After that's all had about 10 minutes to simmer, I tossed in the tofu. I think it'd be magnificent with shrimp, but I'm boycotting shrimp until I can find raw, deveined shrimp. I just hate deveining.

Once the soup's warm enough, just ladle it over some rice and scatter a few cilantro leaves on top. It's so delicious. Two thumbs up from both me and my husband.

This is an Eat, Live, Run recipe. I gotta say, she hasn't turned me wrong yet. She has a cookbook coming out relatively soon and methinks I will be buying it.

Killing bad habits & conceiving good habits

2012-01-25T11:13:00.000-08:00

I know I've already mentioned this book, "Brain Over Binge," that I've been reading, and actually just finished last night. I've essentially been torturing everyone I know by telling them this book might be the key to curing all of our neuroses. Responses vary.

I think if you are interested in really employing the technique the author recommends, you should read the book.

But I'll tell you about a few points that have really hit home with me.

1. Diets are the root of all evil. The first diet a person embarks on has the potential to ruin their relationship with food and/or their body for the rest of their lives.

2. Emotional eating is bull shit. When I feel an emotion and I want to eat, it's because I've trained my brain that when I am stressed, bored, etc., it's time to eat. I've created a bad habit. It's breakable just like any other bad habit.

3. When I have an urge to eat and I'm not actually hungry, that impulse is not coming from the true Me. When I listen to my true self, I find it's easier than it's ever been to put food out of my mind.

The advice in this book seems over-simplistic. Want to stop over-eating? Then stop doing it. That's what it all comes down to. The book tells you how. I don't want to reveal the author's whole methodology, which is why I was a little cryptic above.

While reading "Brain Over Binge" I decided I was going to try to break some bad habits and start new ones. The general consensus seems to be that it takes about three weeks to start a new, good habit. Who knows how long it takes to break old, bad habits? Doing so involves stopping an activity for long enough that the synapses in that part of the brain weaken until the habit disappears.

The most important bad habit I am breaking is impulsive eating. I get an urge to eat and sometimes I can't even focus until I eat something, regardless of whether I'm hungry or not. That is complete bull shit. That impulse is not coming from Me, and knowing that, I've been able to shut that voice out without much effort. I'm a little surprised, actually, at how easy it's been so far, and a little nervous that it's going to stop working. I'm trying to have faith in the process.

The new good habit I'm starting is eating when I am hungry, and stopping when I am satisfied. A novel idea, right? If I listen to my true self when I'm eating, I can recognize when I have had enough to eat. It's usually when I've slowed down a little, and maybe leaned back or put my fork down. Sometimes it's when I've had a surprisingly small amount of food. Sometimes it's when I've eaten the whole sandwich. Here's a little photo essay of my leftovers from the last two days.

Breakfast. Left: toast with jam.

Right: granola, berries, yogurt. Normally I would have eaten all of this.

Lunch. Left: bean burrito. Right: Pulled beef sandwich. I notice I feel hungrier at lunch time. I may be waiting too long to eat.

Dinner. Left: pork chop & warm potato salad. Right: Mac & cheese w/ bacon.

Normally I would have managed to polish off my entire dinner, each night. At the very least I would have eaten the potato salad and the bacon because they're my favorite parts of each meal.

You'll notice my meals are not exactly the healthiest meals I could be eating. The idea is to avoid a sense of deprivation, which would feel like a diet, which usually results in a "binge" of sorts; usually at least a few days of eating way too much food. I do enjoy vegetables, I swear. I'll be making more of an effort to incorporate them into my meals.

You may also notice I didn't show you any snacks. Day 1 I didn't eat any snacks, which is VERY unusual for me. Day 2 I had a handful of granola and a few chocolate chips. And then I stopped. Normally I would have eaten ALL of the chocolate chips, but I felt only the smallest desire to do that.

Another thing: I haven't mentioned weight. I decided to stop weighing myself. It was making me feel terrible. So I quit. I might weigh myself in a few weeks, but for now I think it's basically useless.

I have pretty high hopes for this process, and I've been feeling pretty excited about it, which is more than I can say for just about any diet or cleanse I've ever been on. It's a completely different attitude, actually. I approach diets with a sense of dread, and I've approached this with excitement and hope. That right there might be enough.

The Bachelor, Ep. 4: The Expressionless Botox Zombie Parade

2012-01-24T12:06:00.000-08:00

I am so relieved that I finally figured out what's driving me insane about this season. Everyone is botoxed to within an inch of their lives! Ben included.

A tip: Emotional words mean almost nothing to anyone when your facial muscles are frozen into a permanent half-smile.

Moving right along ...

This week they went to Park City, Utah. It was pretty, blah blah blah. Ben wants them to "experience the outdoors," because none of them have ever seen trees and rivers.

Before any of the dating begins we're seeing a lot of Nicki and something about her has changed. I didn't even recognize her at first. What happened?! Maybe her botox is wearing off.

This week Ben tells Nicki she "thrives in a group setting." This is Bachelor-speak for your number is gonna be up soon, honey. She tongued him something fierce, anyway.

So, Ben's first one-on-one date is with Rachel, with whom it now appears he has zero chemistry. For some reason he decides to keep her around anyway, after she "opens up" about how she has problems communicating. All this despite some really awkward conversation about how the sun is in their eyes and making them squint. This is the stuff dreams are made of, lovers.

Rachel is very excited about her date. Can't you tell?!

Then it's time for the group date, which everyone's nervous about because Courtney will be on it, and judging by the gleam of evil in her eye, she plans to hump Ben in front of the group.

The group date was planned by my dad, so they obviously went fly-fishing. Twelve of them standing knee-deep in a river five feet from each other. I wonder why no one caught a fish?!

Oh, but first Ben rode in on a horse. It was very manly, and as Nicki pointed out, his hair was blowing beautifully in the breeze.

I think this is where the expression "Whoa Nellie" comes from.

During fly-fishing, Courtney predictably drags Ben away from the group for a one-on-one lesson, and then she catches a fish while nature-girl Lindzi fumes nearby. Sorry Lindz. Evil trumps Marsha Brady every time. Ben waxes on about how Courtney just "gets it." Meanwhile she's talking shit about how jealous everyone is.

Later on while Ben is frenching Nicki, Samantha interrupts so she can grill Ben about why she's only been on group dates. This is when Ben spontaneously decides to dump her ass.

Ben's your-ass-is-grass face. Can't you tell? I think the vein in his neck is the only sign he is irritated. Otherwise he appears to be almost smiling.

Samantha's I-can't-believe-you're-dumping-me-face. She manages a lip curl.

After this, Ben takes Kacie to his room and they talk and kiss and YAWN. He says "I'm in trouble with Kacie B." Courtney is pissed that he's tonguing someone else so she gives Ben some sob story about feeling unsure blah blah blah. So he gives her the rose to reassure her, and all Americans everywhere simultaneously screamed.

Courtney's smug my-evil-plan-is-coming-to-fruition face. Courtney doesn't actually need to make any facial expressions. Her malevolence rolls off my television and into the family room.

Kacie's I-can't-believe-he-gave-the-rose-to-Courtney face. Incidentally, I donated that exact sweater to Goodwill in 1992.

Then Jennifer, my dark horse (who's such a dark horse I keep forgetting to take pictures of her face) goes on a one-on-one date with Ben. They rappel into a crater, blah blah. They take a ski lift to dinner, it starts raining, they eat each other's faces, and Ben gives her the rose. Then they go listen to some awful band while a bunch of children of the corn stare at them. Ben's hair gets mighty frizzy.

I think his face moved a little! Quick! Alert the botox technician!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Emily is gearing up to fulfill the archetypal role of tattletale. She is not going to be able to stop herself; her hatred for Courtney runs deep. And who could blame her, but HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE SHOW EMILY? Continue in this fashion and you will go home. It's a statistical fact.

Emily bitching and moaning about Courtney while Blakeley does her highlights and Elyse plies her with alcohol.

Emily feels compelled to tell Ben that Courtney is a lying skank. He swats her down, as I expected he would, and then she feels misunderstood and goes and complains to the girls about it.

Casey, who is still around because she's cute. This is her Courtney-is-my-best-friend face. Her forehead moved! Sweet Jesus, where's the botox tech?

Then Casey tells her buddy Courtney that Emily is talking trash, and Courtney starts being a total whore, as expected. She expects Emily to get voted out, and tells her so.

Emily is pretty sure she's gonna get booted, too. She's so upset, the whole left side of her face moved!

But, no. Monica was eliminated.

You can tell she's upset because of the water coming out of her eyes.

She said it was "the most painful thing in this world." I will let it slide this time.

Next episode, they're going to Puerto Rico. Courtney was just there two months ago! Probably on an AARP photo shoot! Emily is going to give Ben another earful about Courtney, and she'll probably get booted after that. In revenge, it appears Courtney goes skinny dipping in the ocean with Ben in front of all the girls. Oh hell no.

Unrelated: Why does Blakeley know how to stomp?

Football Food

2012-01-23T10:00:00.000-08:00

First of all, it's much too early for me to speak about. My heart is truly broken.

And I know, normally I don't speak about sports on my blog because I think by and large people who read blogs hate sports. Suffice to say, yesterday my team lost and it was the game that would have taken us to the Superbowl.

So instead let us discuss what we ate, which was mostly a success, thank goodness. We had shredded beef chuck roast sandwiches (recipe from Everyday Food Dec. 2011) and cilantro slaw (Pioneer Woman).

Now for starters, this shredded beef chuck roast recipe is really, really good. It might be the second best thing I've ever made in my crock pot, right after tikka masala. What gives this recipe bonus points, though, is that the recipe is super simple, the way a crock pot recipe should be.

First you take your chuck roast and you throw in a head of garlic. Yes, an entire head. For godssakes, don't not throw in an entire head.

Then you throw in some beef broth, oregano, rosemary, salt and pepper. Then you turn it on HIGH for six or seven hours.

Ok, here's where the slaw entered the picture. I gotta say, Pioneer Woman has skunked me on a few of her recipes. I'm thinking she and I have different palates. Her burgundy mushrooms? My whole family hated them. There are other recipes of hers that I've tried and my husband usually doesn't like them. I'm thinking that after this slaw recipe, I may need to call it quits on PW. I started out with half a head of green cabbage and half a head of red cabbage, shredded. To this mixture I added lots of milk, mayo, sugar, vinegar, salt, and pepper. And cayenne, which gave it a weird spicy kick. In the end it was a soupy, weird-tasting mess. My husband said it tasted like Play-Do.

So let's just focus on the good stuff. These buns are from Whole Foods and they are the BEST buns in the world. I spread butter on them and put them under the broiler in the oven.

Then I spread on horseradish sauce. I think horseradish is key. If you prefer, you can just mix a little pure horseradish with some mayonnaise. Or if you hate mayo you could use sour cream or yogurt.

Then all you need is the meat and some thinly sliced red onions. It's truly, truly good. AND, the leftover broth makes a really delicious a jus, if you're into dipping. I'm into it. I dig it much.

The true star of the evening yesterday. Thank you, sandwich, for being there for me. I know I can count on you.

For the recipe for the shredded beef, visit this link.

For the recipe for the slaw (but you've been warned), visit this link.

For the recipe for the coleslaw that I should have used yesterday, visit this link. I've made this one several times and it's the bomb.

Again: I was not consulted

2012-01-20T11:58:00.000-08:00

For reasons I will never understand, Hollywood does this thing where it latches on to a story and then beats the everloving shit out of it until viewing audiences are like: OK! Uncle! Please, for the love of all that's holy! If I have to watch another Spiderman movie my brain is going to melt out of my ears!

Which is what is about to happen (and is kind of already happening) with the story of Snow White.

For starters, we have the abhorrent TV shows "Once Upon a Time" and "Grimm." They're both new programs, and both cover a gamut of fairy tales, although "Once Upon a Time" focuses mainly on the story of Snow White, her evil stepmother, and some dumb crap about how every fairy tale character in the universe was transported to some town where none of them remember who they are, which is how the queen wants it, inexplicably.

I'm not sure if Grimm has ventured into Snow White territory because I am so goddamn confused about what it's about and why all of the fairy tale characters look like monsters, including Rapunzel, who is a murderous maiden who strangles her victims with her hair (?!?!?!?!?!?).

Not to be outdone, the movie-making industry has decided it also needs to bastardize the Snow White fairytale, which is why there are TWO Snow White movies coming out this year.

One is dark, kind of horror-esque, with Charlize Theron as the evil queen (OK, I'm all right with the casting there) and the soulless Kristen Stewart as Snow White. What the .... who in the world decided that vapidity was a clincher for the role of Snow White? I was not consulted! I protest!! I doth protest much!!

Anyway.

Then there's another one coming out, with Julia Roberts as the evil queen (YAWN). Armie Hammer is the prince. He's the guy that plays the douchenozzle twins in "Social Network." Snow White is played by Lily Collins, a relative unknown. This version is a COMEDY.

Something about all this makes me super ragey. Although PMS might have something to do with it. Also: I wrenched my neck something fierce yesterday and didn't sleep last night partly because some bitch named Leanne called me twice at two in the morning looking for her crack dealer, Art, and partly because my neck is really in severe pain. Conclusion: I'm in kind of a shitty mood to begin with.

In any case, please take a look at these trailers and then emphatically agree with me in the comments section that it is super freaking idiotic that two Snow White movies are coming out this year. Thank you, and goodbye.

Habits

2012-01-19T11:18:00.000-08:00

I'm reading an intriguing book called "Brain Over Binge." I'm not a binge eater, but wonder if the principles in this book can be applied to the act of simple overeating. I often eat mindlessly and compulsively.

I'm on a chapter that discusses habits, and the author talks about how, when you do something often enough, it becomes a habit; almost second nature. This is because neurons can change in your brain. They form new connections that become stronger each time you perform a certain action. Likewise, unused synapses will weaken -- essentially breaking the habit.

I want to get rid of my bad habits and start new, good ones. I'm not sure yet how long it takes to form strong enough connections in my brain that exercising every day will become a good habit, or how long it will take the synapses governing my bad habit of compulsive eating to weaken. But I'll let you know.

Review: 1Q84

2012-01-18T10:00:00.000-08:00

1Q84 by Haruki Murakami
Published October 2011
925 pages hardcover (I read it on the kindle)
Literary fiction
My rating: 5 stars

I'm not usually a huge fan of books that leave me with more questions than answers. And initially after I finished this book I was like, Meh. I had kind of figured out how it was going to end already, which irritated me, but also satisfied me. And it was a long book, filled at times with what seemed to be, but never was, extraneous information. Each sentence contains a clue, if you want it to. Once I did finally finish the book, which took me about three weeks to read (which is pretty long for me), I couldn't stop thinking about it. And this is what made me realize how brilliant it was.

The book starts out with a question, before you even crack it open. What, who, where, or when the hell is 1Q84? I won't tell you. The book answers that question, and introduces about twenty more. Some get answered; some don't.

The book has two main characters, living out precarious situations that eventually become intertwined. At times, it got my heart thumping pretty good. I'd be yelling in my head: "Look up at the window!" or "Get off the phone!" Also in the book: at least one parallel universe, aliens/mystic beings, murder, and sex. And, I'm always a fan of characters who are referred to by some defining trait. There are plenty of those in the book: The dowager, Ponytail, Buzzcut, Leader, Bobblehead.

And, the book takes place in Japan in 1984. This neatly eliminates cell phones and email (praise be) and lets us learn a bit about Japan. And yes, mention is made of George Orwell's "1984."

And, I dare you not to google Janocek's Sinfonietta at some point during your reading.

Overall I think it's a worthwhile read if you're OK with some of the mystery remaining just that, and you're willing to put in the time it takes to read such a lengthy novel.

The Bachelor, Ep. 3: On a Scale of 1 to 10, I feel like I'm gonna throw up

2012-01-17T11:13:00.000-08:00

**this post contains spoilers. enter at your own risk**

The title of this post was spoken by Jaclyn, who wins the Best Quote of the Season So Far Award. She was entertaining, but alas, she has been eliminated. Toodle-oo, Jaclyn!

Au revoir, Jaclyn! We hardly knew ye!

Now, let us begin with a reiteration of how bad Ben's hair is. I mean, it is getting worse and worse. I don't need to post photos of cavemen next to his picture because his hair speaks for itself.

Need I say more?!

Ben meets up with his sister and tells her about the women, throwing in that Courtney is "drama-free." Um. If by drama-free, you mean completely psychotic? OK then.

He then takes Emily the epidemiologist on a one-on-one date and forces her to climb the Bay Bridge. These daredevil dates are kind of stupid, if you ask me. Ben kept saying "If Emily and I can climb to the top of the Bay Bridge, there's no telling what we can do together!" Indeed, Benjamin. Profound stuff. But here's some armchair psychiatry for you: Climbing the Bay Bridge together is not necessarily the precursor for actual difficult things like marriage and dealing with a spouse who leaves toothpaste in the sink. You might be surprised how ragey this would make you, Benjamin.

Not that Emily would ever do that.

So of course, what's Emily's worst fear in the entire wide world?? Heights! She's so terrified, she freezes halfway up. Luckily, Ben is a Power Ranger and sends her go-go-gadget bridge-climbing power via a liplock. For reals. She forgets all about how she could fall to her death as soon as he lays one on her.

BARF.

You know what is HILARIOUS? Popping the top off of a bottle of champagne. I don't know why. It just makes me laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. This is a bad photo of Emily, laughing, as Ben pops champagne, shortly before their own private fireworks show. And yes, I take photos of my TV, hence the reflection from the lamp!

Next up is Ben's group date. They go skiing ....... yawwwwwwwn. Sorry. They go skiing on a street in San Francisco. BUT HOW. OH MY GOD SNOW MACHINES. WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT?!

The girls strip down to their bikinis to ensure maximum harm when they fall. Kasie B glides ass-first straight into Ben's face. She says she doesn't know how to ski ... phsaw, my dear. That took skills.

I actually am not sure whose ass this is. That is Ben, striking a manly pose off to the left. I suspect they filmed this during the three days in September when there was actually warm weather in San Francisco last year.

TANGENT: People who live in "San Fran" do not call "San Fran" "San Fran." If they do, they are major douches with shaved chests. Every time you say "San Fran," a bachelorette's mascara runs, Benjamin. Quit that shit.

Continuing the group date, Rachel gets the first kiss of the evening. I don't mind Rachel. She's all right.

Incidentally, Rachel also gets the rose that evening. While Monica is inexplicably crying. Seriously. We have no idea why Monica is crying.

Why are you crying??

Then Ben makes out noisily with Kacie B. All that moist smacking makes my stomach heave. Later, Ben muses: "That one's gonna be trouble for me. Good trouble." Vom dot com.

And in case anyone is wondering, I sort of hate Kacie B and Nicki whatsherface now. I know I put them as front runners in the beginning, but now they are acting like spoiled sorority girls and it's irritating the everloving shit out of me.

Oh, also, Brittney up and leaves the show for whatever reason. She says it's the hardest decision of her life. We are guessing she's never had to decide to let a comatose relative die rather than hook them up to a feeding machine. It's just a guess. See ya later kiddo.

We think she eliminated herself before Ben could give her the old heave-ho on the one-on-one date. So long! Say hi to your grandma for us!

Then Ben takes Lindzi on a date. They eat mocha chip ice cream, when clearly they should have gotten peanut butter chocolate if it was available. They go to city hall. Some band I've never heard of is playing. They sound like a bad ripoff of Dave Matthews. Ben and Lindzi tongue each other frantically.

They go to a speakeasy. She tells him about being dumped in a text that said: Babe, welcome to Dumpsville -- population: You.

If this really happened -- and I'm not convinced it did -- Lindzi lives in some alternate romcom universe. That, or the dude she was dating is the biggest prick I've ever heard of. It's a little hard to swallow (that's what she said).

Anyway, Lindzi gets the rose. They go to a piano store and Lindzi gazes adoringly at Ben while he shows off his mad piano skillz.

Lindzi Marsha Brady. Just sayin'.

Then it's finally time for the godawful cocktail party. Ben tells Jennifer she's the best kisser in the house, which isn't creepy at all. Jennifer is still my dark horse. I've got her pegged to go all the way, guys. And I like her even more this episode because she's the only chick who didn't completely lose her shit when Shawntel walked in the room.

Ben's "I did not see this coming" face. (that's what she said)

Look, bitches. THE HEART WANTS WHAT THE HEART WANTS.

What I'd like to tell all those dummies on The Bachelor: You shut your whore mouth when you talk about Shawntel. She is my girl. Oh, you think it's creepy that she embalms bodies for a living?? Well someone's got to do it! She's all up close and personal with Death, not terrified like your stupid ass.

Shawntel got robbed. Robbed, I tell ya. And actually, whose idiotic idea was it for her to show up in Episode 3?! Why couldn't she have started from the beginning like everyone else? And why is Ben such a douche?!

All the other girls (except Jennifer -- keepin' it classy!) were practically tearing their hair out when Shawntel showed up. Saying it wasn't fair (he's trying to find love, right? Where does fair enter in?!) and calling her Brad's cast-offs and saying she has big thighs. Who said that, Erika? Girrrrrl. You know karma is a mean bitch, right? That's why your lips turned blue and you passed out and then got eliminated. Seeya biznatch. (Oh, also, tattoos on the inner lower lip are strictly for imprisoned gang members, FYI)

Gawd.

Anyway, Shawntel gets sent home but somehow Monica is still on the show?! Don't get me started. And Courtney is freaking scary-crazy.

Next week they're going to Utah. That's all I know. I'm sure it will be shenanigans galore. Til then!

What the cool kids are drinking

2012-01-16T16:18:00.000-08:00

image stolen from litasworld.com

Add Philz Coffee to the list of shops that intimidate the everloving shit out of me. And, by the way, is it just me? There's something about a nearly illegible sign written in chalk and a surly, tattooed, pierced and lobe-stretched coffee-house employee that sends shivers of fear up my spine.

TANGENT: I once made a remark about how Starbucks used to intimidate me and a woman I know just didn't understand why. It is truly magnificent that she walks around with as much confidence as she does on a daily basis. I basically quake in fright at all new experiences, OK?

Moving right along.

Philz is kind of worth braving, if you live near-ish to one. If you're a coffee person, you just have to try it out (get the anesthesia). And they also sell the beans at Whole Foods (try the ambrosia), so now I never need to go in the shop and try to act like I'm not the most awkward person who's walked in there in a month. Happy caffeinating!

P.S. They have shops in SF, San Jose, Palo Alto, and Berkeley.

Also: I was not paid for this. No one pays me for anything. Ever.

And: Catprick introduced my husband and I to Philz. Thank you, Catprick.

Vegetable and tofu pad thai

2012-01-13T12:01:00.000-08:00

This post could alternately be titled:

"How Two People Ate Enough To Feed Four"

or

"How a Simple 30 Minute Recipe Turned Into An Hour of Me Trashing My Kitchen"

or

"Please, For The Love Of God, How Do You Fry Tofu?"

Well done, Martha Stewart. Well done. Here's a slow clap to you. The recipe looked deceptively fast and easy, and yet ... not so much. This may be because my brain was broken last night (a distinct possibility) or because Martha has it out for me.

However. Regardless of how un-fast and un-easy this recipe was, it was still the bomb. It turned out fantastic. My husband LOVED it. I think he may have loved it more than the slow cooker tikka masala, you guys. And I know a lot of you have tried the slow cooker tikka masala.

It was muy, muy delicioso. That's my plate. Yeah, I pile a lot of junk on my food. Cilantro, scallions, peanuts. Me likey.

Here are just a few of the ingredients. Carrots, scallions, garlic, lime juice, etc

And tofu. Sigh. I was supposed to fry up 14 oz of tofu but I fried up maybe 5 oz because that shizzle stuck to my pan and I was too irritated to finish cooking all of it. It turned out great, anyway. I should have fried it in my wok. I did end up cooking the rest of the dish in the wok, with great success.

Fish sauce. I don't know how or why I have this, but I do. I used 1 tablespoon fish sauce and two tablespoons soy sauce. I think it was a great balance.

Oh momma. It is so good. Rice noodles, egg, tofu, scallions, coated with a tangy pad thai sauce. The sauce has sriracha sauce in it. I thought it was a little spicy, but for my husband it wasn't spicy enough. He piled on more of the sriracha. My mouth is watering.

I do love it. I promise to love it forever.

If you would like to make your own pad thai, I can vouch for this recipe. Visit the link to Everyday Food here. Ignore the photo that doesn't match the recipe. I don't know what that is ... some kind of baked egg something or the other.

Happy eating, and happy weekend ...

Crazy Cat People: Simon & The Backscratcher

2012-01-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

For the record, Simon & The Backscratchers would be a great name for a band.

This is a video of me playing with Simon with my new backscratcher. And that's all you really need to know!

The Bachelor, Ep. 2 - Bitches Be Crazy

2012-01-10T13:28:00.000-08:00

** This entry contains spoilers from last night's episode. Read at your own risk. **

As I said in my previous The Bachelor entry, I don't do recaps; I just comment on the wackness that is The Bachelor, assuming you've already watched it. So, here we go, again...

For starters, just throwing this out there again...

Ben brought the whole kit and kaboodle to sleepy Sonoma, which is just a couple hours north of me. It warms the cockles of my heart to think of all the hissing and back-biting taking place practically in my backyard!

Let's start with Kasie B. Firstly, she squeals too much. Their date was a bit of a chaste yawner until they went to a theater to watch videos of their childhoods, including videos showing Ben's dad, who died five years ago. Ben proceeds to cry, because obviously his dad is dead and it's sad and shit, and we as an audience proceed to realize just how tacky this show is. Who shows videos of their dead dad to a person on the first date so they can have a good cry together??!

Once that date ends, we enter the "everyone run around like trained monkeys" portion of our program. Blakely has suddenly decided she is not lesbianic for Monica and wears a weird, slutty striped jumper on her group date. She gets to play a gingerbread man in an awful play the whole group puts on for a bunch of kids. Samantha quips: "What do you get when you cross a gingerbread man and a hooker? Blakely!" Later on she calls her a cougar (Blakely is 34 and most of the other ladies are in their early 20s) and "horsey" and a "tranny." This is where I decide Samantha is bitter, but entertaining, and also when my husband and I decide Samantha looks like Lady Gaga. At the cocktail party at the end of the show, she wears a dress that makes her boobs look like a butt. I'm not a fan, but my husband doesn't mind.

Samantha & the Butt Boobs

Lady Gaga

By the way, Blakely is a VIP cocktail waitress. Someone please explain what in the hell that is.

Now, I could not believe Ben gave Blakely a rose on the group date. I really though he was going to give it to Jennifer, the red-headed accountant. I think she really thought she was going to get it, too.

Blakely

In any case, Jennifer is my new dark horse. She just might ... go ... all .. the ... way!!

Jennifer

And .... and I have a very, very bad feeling about Courtney, you guys. I have a sinking feeling that she might make it to the final two. If so, this is proof there is no god. That chick is certifiably cuckoo pants. When Kasie told her she had the next 1-on-1 date, Courtney asks her, "How'd that taste coming out of your mouth?" Bewildered, Kasie goes, "What?" And Courtney SAYS IT AGAIN. She REALLY wants to know how it tasted coming out of Kasie's mouth! Like, a lot. She's evil incarnate. You can see it in her crazy eye.

Ben thinks Courtney is one of the most beautiful women he's ever seen. My husband thinks Ben's "picker is off." We agree. Courtney is not even in the top 5 hottest chicks on that show.

Anyway, Courtney somehow manages to act like a completely normal human on her date, instead of the she-devil succubus she really is! Ben falls for it hook, line, and sinker, calling them "a good match" and saying she's making him "think big picture." Whaaaaaat?

Courtney

Well, in any case, I think maybe we just need to give Courtney some time. Her craziness will surely rear its ugly head on a future date.

Now, onto our girl Jenna. She is our girl because she's a blogger, but holy hell. Girlfriend's got problems. She climbs into bed to cry after talking with Ben and then speaks gibberish to the camera a bit later. Like, I think she is drunk and/or just speaking nonsense. In either case Jenna, if you are reading this, please seek psychotherapy as soon as possible.

Jenna

Unsurprisingly, our girl Jenna did not get a rose this time. Neither did Shawn. Not too surprising.

I guess the next episode is in San Francisco. Some new bitch shows up to make all the other bitches crazy, and Erika faints during a rose ceremony or something. It's sure to be fabulous.

P.S. - A couple things you should look at if you're a Bachelor fan. Forever Alone, and Ashley Spivey's blog (she was on Brad Womack's second season), Say No To Cosmo.

Resolutions ... Week 2

2012-01-09T11:16:00.000-08:00

Are you ever on a diet during which, at some point, you decide you would rather eat nothing at all than eat the food you are supposed to eat on the diet? Even though you are starving?

Yeah, I believe that should not happen, but it is so happening to me right now. Which is why I ate Taco Bell last night, which I know is the bane of all humanity, but for godssakes people. I can eat only so many whole grains, fruits and vegetables before my body demands refined carbohydrates and processed ass-meats.

I did really well all week until last night, and this morning the scale was like: So look. You may lose 1 pound this week but if you'd have abstained from refined carbs and ass-meats, this could have been 4 pounds. Your funeral, babe.

Part of the problem, in my opinion, is that I've been following the plan from Self magazine a little too closely. Their meals taste like crap, to be kind. What I need is Mexican food that tastes awesome but still somehow manages to be low fat and whole grain. Is this possible, people? Is it?!?!? (I'll be scouring interwebs to find out. Come follow me on Pinterest if you haven't already. I've started a "Things I can eat that won't make me too fat" board. And I even fixed my shitty Pinterest link in the sidebar that nobody told me wasn't working!)

And sorry to further rain on anyone's diet parade, but I would like to submit as evidence a New York Times article that says, in a nutshell, that when you lose weight, your hunger hormones go completely insane and make you feel starving because your body wants you to gain back the weight. The heightened hormone levels stay around INDEFINITELY. This is bad news, to say the least, you guys. But it does explain the miserable failure of every diet I've ever been on. So that means we are armed with new information, right? And we will defeat our own hunger hormones! (?) Right?

Ahem.

In any case, I shouldn't even be thinking about diets right now; I should be thinking of my No. 1 goal, and that is to finish this godforsaken novel I'm writing. I can gain 20 more pounds ... I don't give a shit, as long as this book gets finished. I mean, I do give a shit, because me with 20 more pounds? Oh, sweet Jesus. That is permanent fat-pants territory.

I'm giving myself roughly another two weeks to finish this beast. Because guess what happens then?

Guess?

You'll never guess.

I'm having a sex change operation.

Just kidding!

I'm going to start taking care of my niece, Ava, when my sister goes back to work. At least a few days a week. Details are still being sorted out.

Now, I warned them: I don't know anything about babies! And they smiled all punchy (they haven't slept in about four weeks) and said Neither did we! You'll learn.

So it's guaranteed to be a whole new adventure. I'm girding my loins. And prepping my pita. And uncorking the wine. And finishing the book. For reals. Truly. Gotta go.

Tangerine Beef Stir-Fry

2012-01-06T15:17:00.000-08:00

Have you ever pooped in a port-a-potty? I'm just curious. Because I've never pooped in one, and lemme just say: Me pooping in a port-a-potty = Me having a major emergency.

I ask because my neighbors are having some work done at their house, so the contractor put a port-a-potty outside, and it's become abundantly clear that the workers are pooping in the port-a-potty. Oh, yes. Many butt fruits have been deposited in that puppy. That shizzle is rank. At least it's not summer, eh?

Pooping in port-a-potties has exactly nothing to do with tangerine beef stir fry, other than eating one may lead to the other. But I said last week I'd post this recipe here this week, and instead of doing that I've been hyper-focused on finishing the book (which: no, I didn't fucking finish it, and yes, I kind of do wish I was dead. Related: If you ever decide to write a book, write it well the first time so you don't have to go back and re-write the whole fucking thing. Just a thought.) and on my new diet, which has gone pretty well until today, when I had one single thought about a Reese's peanut butter cup and the entire right side of my face began twitching uncontrollably.

Let's just move on to the stir-fry.

For starters, you should make your stir-fry in a wok.

This is my new wok. What, it's not clear that this is my new wok because it looks like some piece of shit hubcap someone ran over? Well, that's the point, my friend. Hopefully some day this wok will be coated with a patina darker than a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night. Only then will I have truly achieved true stir-fry stardom.

I bought this wok in October after much bitching and moaning on the part of my husband, who insisted that my stir-fry tasted like garbage (it did) because I didn't have the right tools. Enter the wok. It does, in fact, make stir-fry taste about four quadrillion times better than it would if you attempted to cook it in a normal pan.

Let's shut up about the fucking wok already, and let's look at some ingredients.

Sirloin, scallions, ginger, red-pepper flakes (leave these out if you don't like heat -- they make it very spicy), tangerine zest & juice, cornstarch.

There is it again. Yup.

Somehow that colorful bowl of food turns into a mostly brown stir-fry. But it tastes very, very good. And it's a really fast meal to make.

This is one of Martha's stir-fries, from her December 2011 Everyday Food. The link is here. Happy eating!

What the world needs now is another Bachelor recap

2012-01-03T11:10:00.000-08:00

So, look.

This here is a discussion of the participants on the newest "The Bachelor," which started last night. I'm not going to tell you what happened; I'm going to assume you watched it. This probably isn't going to be up your alley if you didn't watch it, in which case MOVE ALONG and we'll see you another time when I'm writing about my cats or chin hair or something.

For starters, I really like this season's bachelor, Ben. So far, anyway. He's from my neck of the woods (SF Bay area) and runs a vineyard (winning!!). He seems pretty down-to-earth, to be as cliche as possible. But if I may tell you one thing I'm not over-the-moon about when it comes to him?

His hair.

I think it makes him look like the Geico caveman.

I can't help that I feel this way, so sorry if you're a fan of whatever that is, exactly, that is going on on top of Ben's head.

All right. Let's move on to the next most important topic, and that would be Jenna.

Girrrrrrl. You are straight up crazy pants.

Jenna is a blogger from New York. Right off the bat I wanted her to be awesomesauce and show everyone how it's done. Unfortunately she only seems to be able to show everyone what raging insecurity looks like. Somehow she made it through the first elimination, for which reason I am going to call her "The Producer's Choice No. 1" from here on out. My husband thinks Ben might just be "Captain Save-A-Ho" (his words) and that's why she's still in the game.

And FYI, here are Producer's Choices No.s 2 & 3:

Monica: Jenna's sworn enemy.

Blakeley: Monica's new BFF and possible lesbian love interest.

Other important players:

Courtney, aka Psycho Killer. She's for sure got a screw loose.

Chicks I think might actually make it to the end:

Nicki.

Kasie B.

For the record, there were two Lindsays, except they spelled their names Lindzi (we call her the Lone Ranger b/c she rides horses) and Lyndsie (an outgoing Brit we're kind of sorry was eliminated early on), two Caseys (one Kasie and one Casey. Casey might be a dark horse since we know next to nothing about her so far.), and two Ambers (both eliminated).

Other than the Producers Choices 1-3, women I was surprised/impressed made it to the second round:

Shawn. She seems very nice, but this single mommy has that weird two-toned Long Beach hairstyle going on, plus she wore a very strange green dress to meet Ben.

Emily the epidemiologist, who performed a LONG and embarrassing rap that drunk Ben seemed to genuinely enjoy, so what the hell do I know?!

Samantha, aka Miss Pacific Palisades. She wore her winner's sash to meet Ben. BE GONE.

Now, the way they are teasing out future episodes, they seem to want you to believe some mystery woman shows up halfway through the taping to join the fight for Ben's eternal love. Could it be Ashley, The Rejector, from Ben's debut season?! Also, they seem to want us to believe Ben is going to choose a woman in the end who decides she doesn't choose him back. I don't really believe that for a second.

Who do you think will win this season?

What "healthy" looks like today

2012-01-02T16:08:00.000-08:00

Don't be too shocked when I tell you ... I am on a diet!

I know. I'll give you a moment to pick your jaw up off the ground.

I'm following a "detox" plan in Self Magazine, somewhat loosely. The plan seems to advocate portion control, whole grains, and eating lots of fruits and veggies. It even allows for small desserts and snacks, which is good, because I've been known to rebound like a mothertrucker when someone tells me I can't have my chocolate.

So that's today's breakfast. An egg white with bell pepper, a pinch of invisible cheese, a piece of rye toast, and a grapefruit. It was good!

Word to the wise: Rye bread is way better for you than whole wheat. I heard it on a talk show so it must be true. It's supposed to cause a much lower insulin response.

I also spent a good chunk of time trying to decipher the instructions that came with my schmancy new Garmin watch*, which tells me where I went, elevation changes, distance, what my heart rate was, etc. But since I still feel like I'm in recovery from New Year's Eve (I blame a rum drink we called "Pirate's Juice" for the evening even though its technical name is "Tropical Storm."), I won't be jiggling onto the running track until tomorrow. Shield thine eyes, citizens!!

*If anyone from Garmin would like to hire me for a user experience study: Believe me, you need it.

MOAM's Best & Worst of 2011

2011-12-31T11:05:00.000-08:00

What a doozy of a year, dudes.

I had been thinking this year was all crap, but it turns out that most of this year was pretty awesome and that just a couple really crappy thing happening made me feel like the whole year had been tainted. That's a bad way to think.

I even had a hard time narrowing down my "best" list to only 10 things, whereas my "worst" list has only the one Terrible Awful thing that happened, plus three other minorly terrible things. It's nice to be able to put the year into perspective.

So, as is my habit, I have listed out my best and worst things of 2011, except this year I honestly couldn't come up with 10 worst things. I didn't want to wrack my brain over it, so I'm leaving it at only 4 worst things. And, in the interest of full disclosure, these lists are pulled from posts throughout the year. Other awesome or awful things have happened, but I astoundingly didn't write about all of them.

Here we go!

Moam's 10 Best Moments of 2011

10. We bought a new bed, and bedroom furniture. This may not sound that awesome, but that bed is the best. It's just a regular old bed, but I love it. Long time.

9. My living room went from a mess to success. For reals. It was frigging awful, and then we had a garage sale, painted the room, and filled it with normal furniture that real grown-ups would not be ashamed to have in their homes. Behold the before-and-after (and don't worry, only that one wall is green).

8. I started another blog, Tired & Stuck, with Internet buddy Libby, and real-life buddy Christina, so that we could chronicle our journeys on the road to pregnancy. So far none of us have been able to maintain a pregnancy, but finding an entire community of women out there who get it has been invaluable.

7. My husband got a new job. There's just no being happy in your off-hours when your on-hours are misery. He's so much happier, now, and that makes me happy, too.

6. The Royal Wedding. I threw a tea and held a viewing for the marriage of Will and Kate, and damned if it wasn't one of the most fun things I did all year!

And these scones were the bomb, too.

5. We discovered Cambria and Hearst Castle and all the wineries down yonder. It was a fun little escape.

4. Our good friends were married, and my husband officiated the wedding. It was a blast! I haven't asked for their permission to publish wedding photos on my blog, so will refrain from doing that ...

3. We went to Las Vegas with a few friends and pretty much ate our way up and down the strip. We saw a great show, had a fantastic massage, stayed in a gorgeous room, and lost a decent chunk of change! It was fabulous.

2. I witnessed my first birth! And it was a home birth, to boot! And I somehow managed to take photos of it, even though I was crying too hard to see through half of it. There just aren't words for how amazing this experience was, and how much in awe I am of my friend, Katie. Not to mention that the end result was a gorgeous baby boy, Charles Anthony Aaron, who was born on my birthday. I could not be more honored.

2. (Yes, I cheated and put in two No. 2s) I went to BlogHer with my soul sister, Christina, and met so many beautiful, talented, kind, wonderful women. And learned so many things. It was an awesome experience and I'm so thrilled that I did it. It was something I'd been wanting to do for a long time, and it feels good to say I made it happen.

1. You might have predicted I'd say the best thing to happen this year is that my amazing, strong, wonderful sister gave birth to my beautiful niece, Ava. The immediate rush of love and protectiveness I felt for that kid the moment I saw her surprised me. She's the little nugget of love my family's been waiting for.

Now, this has to be done, because it is my tradition, and that is that. Here are my four worst things to happen this year (at least there aren't 10!):

Moam's 4 Worst Moments of 2011

4. I am still an overly voluptuous lady. Like how I call being fat "voluptuous"? Love thyself and all that. I still haven't got it all figured out. Obviously. I mean, a 21-day vegan cleanse? Yeah, that's gonna work. Pshaw. I love food, and don't especially love exercise. Also, weight doesn't drop off the way it did when I was in my early 20s! I'll be tackling this issue again in 2012 by trying to treat myself kindly and not restricting too many foods so I don't feel deprived and binge. And also exercising. Blergh. Speaking of which, check out this video for a little inspiration.

3. My husband's identity was stolen by some douche. Thankfully we didn't lose any money and everything worked out just fine, but things were mighty tense up in here for a moment.

2. I saw my grandparents' house, now that they don't live there anymore (since my grandpa died and my grandma moved into a retirement home). It was frigging depressing. Enough said.

1. Again, you might have guessed what I'd say here. I had a miscarriage. I've said enough about it in previous posts, and yeah, this is the Terrible Awful thing that tainted all the happy things that happened this year. We are trying again, and everything will work out next time; I must believe.

Food flops

2011-12-30T16:10:00.000-08:00

Some of my latest recipe-tries gone wrong ...

First, a recipe from the December 2011 Everyday Food. Tangerine cake.

This wasn't a flop so much as just not worth the amazing effort it took to make something that tastes basically like a slightly citrusy pound cake.

Zesting tangerines: Not my favorite, dog. Even Grand Marnier didn't save it.

Meh. It was just all right.

Next up: Chicken mole. Also Everyday Food December 2011.

It looks good, and it's been cooking in the slow cooker all day so it must taste good too, right? Not so much. It was a bit flat and just not as flavorful as I was hoping.

Plus the picture of all this shit I blended up was prety cool, so I was hoping it would work out. Not so much.

Last up: Chocolate Coffee Gingerbread Cake from Bon Appetit, Dec. 2008. I thought it would work out because it had this:

But even chocolate couldn't save it because it had this:

Crystallized ginger. Not exactly something you want to bite into when you're eating cake, it turns out.

Here were all the ingredients. It also called for an entire cup of molasses. It tasted very seasonal but that ginger really threw the whole thing off.

Next week I'll publish photos from a stir-fry that turned out really great ...

Hanford

2011-12-29T15:51:00.000-08:00

What you need to know about Hanford:

- The water stinks. If you get a beverage that contains ice, you might be in for a nasty surprise.

- The air stinks. Cows.

- My grandma lives there.

Glerrrrggghhh

2011-12-27T10:36:00.000-08:00

Christmas turned my brain into a mash of chocolate, gingerbread, and coffee (ask me what kind of cake wasn't exactly a huge hit at Christmas?). All I can do today is make bullet points.

- Ava hiccups after every feeding. I have the most adorable video of it. Maybe I will post it some day when I'm feeling less lazy.

- Ava also farts really loudly.

- The last two weeks look like a really insane blur in my brain. I finally hit a wall yesterday and spent much of the day in bed with a headache.

- We figured out how to make Ava smile: Make farting noises. She LOVES it. It's a good thing she was born into this family and not some uptight family that doesn't think farting is one of the most hilarious things ever; right up there with poop and vomit.

- I did manage to cut my toenails yesterday. Major accomplishment, woot!

- My husband did the laundry yesterday. I didn't ask him to do it; he just did. I am not sure this has ever happened.

- In related news, no one has done the dishes since Saturday night.

- What'd you get for Christmas? I got some cool stuff. My big gift was one of them fancy Garmin watches. This means I'm going to become a runner. Ahem.

- I could go right back to sleep right now. Unfortunately, more immediate plans call for scraping deadly black mold off the shower tiles. Yes, I'm well aware I am disgusting, and a poor excuse for a wife and/or housekeeper.

- I'm still reading 1Q84 and I have NO idea where this storyline is headed.

- OH MY GOD THE BOOK.

- Sometimes the most awful things happen on Christmas.

- I need a vacation.

- I have five days to finish the book. $%*%#@$. Fuck balls.

- I got a bunch of Christmas cards after Christmas, and they all had pictures of babies on them. Did I mention I need a vacation? And a vat of wine?

- Feeling sorry for myself is SO last August.

- I haven't shaved my legs in a month. I'm growing hair for warmth.

- I need to stop writing bullet points and get a move on.

- Good bye.

Little one

2011-12-22T12:05:00.000-08:00

This is Little Ava at 5 days old, stretching. You may not feel the same way about her, and I understand, but I have watched this video maybe 25 times because this kid fascinates me. This is just a short phone video of her stretching and yawning. She's lying on a light blanket because she's a little jaundiced.

My husband's favorite cookie of all time

2011-12-21T10:34:00.000-08:00

I know no one's reading this week, and that's just fine. I'm not, either. But I couldn't post this recipe after the new year because it's against my religion to eat cookies in January.

December, however, is a much different story.

Sorry for the lousy phone photo. I'd have taken pictures of the process and the cookies with my regular camera if I'd known they were going to be such a big hit, but as it happens they'd all been demolished by the time I took this photo.

These are peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. Very simple, and very tasty. They turn out nice and crunchy once they've cooled a bit, which my husband loves because he enjoys dipping his cookies in milk. If you are a dipper, or are married to one, this may be the cookie for you.

Here's the recipe! It's a slightly tweaked version of a Betty Crocker recipe.

1 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup peanut butter (I use creamy)
1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened (1 stick)
1 egg
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1 cup semi sweet chocolate chunks (I use chunks, which you can buy in bags just like chips. You can use chips or whatever you have on hand)

Heat oven to 375. In large bowl, beat brown sugar, peanut butter, butter, and egg with electric mixer on medium speed, or mix with spoon. Stir in flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Stir in chocolate chunks.

Shape dough into 1 1/4 inch balls and place on cookie sheet about 3 inches apart. Bake anywhere from 9 to 15 minutes -- I find mine take about 14 minutes to come out golden brown. Cool 5 minutes and enjoy. Makes a little over 2 dozen.

A mad, mad month

2011-12-19T11:18:00.000-08:00

I'd been feeling very sorry for myself and thinking I wasn't going to put up a Christmas tree or decorate or any of that nonsense ...

Then my niece was born (two weeks early) and suddenly I was like: MUST MAKE COOKIES. MUST PUT UP TREE. MUST ... DO ... EVERYTHING.

So that's what's going on around here.

We did erect the ol' faux tree. Which: I sort of hate fake trees because they don't smell good and they look stupid because they're too perfect. But! They are mighty convenient.

Since we put the tree up, Murray's been staring at it longingly. That cat wants to be in that tree, eating my bird ornaments. There's no doubt about it. He has his eye on a red one near the top with impressive tail feathers.

Here he is, gazing at that bird ornament. We've got SSScat canisters set up around the tree, otherwise you bet your bippy not only would that bird be history, Simon would be perched in the very middle of it, bending the crap out of the branches. Ask me how I know this.

Just staring at that tree. Sorry, I didn't turn the lights on for this photo. When Murray's doing this, Simon just sort of stares at him like: You moron. What you are supposed to do is wait until they go to bed. Then we wreak havoc. And wreak havoc they have been known to do. A couple weeks ago they managed to overturn one of the family room lamps after we'd gone to bed.

He's a bit tortured over his inability to get into this tree. It's an endless source of amusement for me.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to bake things and go torture my poor sister some more.

The best thing to happen this year, BY FAR

2011-12-14T19:29:00.000-08:00

Meet my sweet niece, Ava Noel, who arrived early yesterday morning. She is a little munchkin who makes mewling noises like a baby lamb and whom I basically do not believe was living in my sister's womb for all that time. My mind does not compute.

I could stare at that face for hours. She has the family face; there's no denying it.

We expected lots of hair, and we were not disappointed. We are a little surprised that it's brown, since both my sister and her husband were very blond little children, but we are happy with this mop.

I'm an aunt, you guys. I can't stop thinking about it.

The books of 2011

2011-12-12T14:28:00.000-08:00

Last year I read 31 books. And this year I read ... 31 books.

Is that weird, or what? Especially considering that several of the books were from the "A Game of Thrones" series, and those books are like three books in one?

Speaking of that series, this year was the Year of the Series. I typically avoid series because I feel annoyed that the author is trying to trap me into reading all their shitty books. And oftentimes series really are shitty -- like the Twilight series. Lord help me, those books are bad. But you had to read every damn one, didn't you? But anyway, this year I read three series. Although one I finally gave up on -- the Sookie Stackhouse books. Oh, mama, those are rotten. The series I read that I ADORED and which you must read as soon as possible because they are making them into movies is the Hunger Games series. Just fabulous. Those are absolutely my No. 1 books of the year.

Anyway, without further ado, here is the list of books I read in 2011, in the order in which I read them. They are rated on a 5-star scale, 5 being awesome and 1 being crap-tastic.

Angelology, by Danielle Trussoni - 3 stars. This book was like: What if angels lived on Earth and were kind of assholes?

Water for Elephants, by Sara Gruen - 5 stars. I never did see the film version of this novel but I really, really enjoyed the book.

Origins, by Annie Murphy Paul - 4 stars. This book examined how a baby's time in the womb affects the rest of its life. Pretty fascinating!

Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility, by Sami S. David & Jill Blakeway - 5 stars. I bought this book after I'd already been trying for a while to get pregnant. I got pregnant about five months after I bought it, so ... who knows? Maybe it worked. 'Course, I miscarried, but nobody's perfect.

Mennonite in a Little Black Dress, by Rhoda Janzen - 4 stars. This was a fun memoir written by a woman with really astounding bad luck and an awesome sense of humor. She grew up Mennonite, so there is a wealth of material to draw from.

Square Foot Gardening: A New Way to Garden in Less Space with Less Work, by Mel Bartholomew - 3.5 stars. I really wanted to plant a garden this year, and reviews on this book were really great. Halfway through it, I kind of wanted to kill Mel. He's always saying it's so easy, but it sounds so hard. I never did get that garden planted, not that I can blame Mel for that.

Room: A Novel, by Emma Donoghue - 5 stars. Awesome book about a woman and her son held captive in a room for several years. You will tear through it once you read the first page. It's just fantastic.

The Genie in Your Genes, by Dawnson Church - 3 stars. The scientific prose in this book had me yawning, but some of the things it had to say about prayer and the possibility of alternate universes were quite interesting. The author believes you can heal yourself ... with your brain.

Black Heels to Tractor Wheels, by Ree Drummond - 3.5 stars. This book was just OK. Maybe it's because I'd already read most of it on the Pioneer Woman site. I did get it signed by Ree in person, and was hoping to really love it more, but couldn't get there.

Bossypants, by Tina Fey - 3.5 stars. I really wanted to love this book, too. I love Tina Fey and think she's brilliant and hilarious, but something in this book had me feeling like she thought I was stupid, even though she and I have never met. I'm not sure how she did that.

Tinkers, by Paul Harding - 3 stars. Oh sheesh, Louise. I read this because it won a PULITZER, you guys. Well eff me sideways. If this is the kind of thing I have to write to win a pulitzer, I'll want to blow my brains out when I'm done. It was really depressing is what I'm saying.

A Game of Thrones: A Song of Fire & Ice, by George R.R. Martin - 5 stars. The first book is undoubtedly the best. And unexpected things happen, which is good.

A Game of Thrones: A Clash of Kings, By George R.R. Martin - 4 stars. Pretty good!

A Game of Thrones: A Storm of Swords, by George R.R. Martin - 4 stars. Also pretty good!

A Game of Thrones: A Feast for Crows, by George R.R. Martin - 2 stars. This one sucked donkey balls. I wanted to punch George R.R. Martin in the face when I was done with it because I was so bored.

A Game of Thrones: A Dance with Dragons, by George R.R. Martin - 4 stars. Pretty good! That's more like it, George.

Dead Until Dark, by Charlaine Harris - 3 stars. What's up, stuff I read while I was waiting for my miscarriage? Oh, you're a kind of shitty book with a decent story line? All righty then. The TV show is so much better.

Living Dead in Dallas, by Charlaine Harris - 3 stars. Meh.

Club Dead, by Charlaine Harris - 3 stars. Meh.

Dead to the World, by Charlaine Harris - 3 stars. Meh.

Dead as a Doornail, by Charlaine Harris - 3 stars. Meh.

Definitely Dead, by Charlaine Harris - 3 stars. Meh.

All Together Dead, by Charlaine Harris - 3 stars. Meh. WHY AM I STILL READING THESE.

From Dead to Worse, by Charlaine Harris - 3 stars. Meh.

A Visit From The Goon Squad, by Jennifer Egan - 3 stars. Everyone was going on and on about how much they loved this book. I found it irritating and self-indulgent.

Earth Abides, by George Stewart - 3 stars. What's up apocalypse? Love ya lots! This was written in the 70s and is a commentary on how stupid and wasteful people are. It wasn't as awesome as I expected it to be.

The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins - 5 stars. YES. Awesomesauce. Read it.

Catching Fire, by Suzanne Collins - 5 stars. YES. Again. Still awesome.

Mockingjay, by Suzanne Collins - 5 stars. What's up, best series of the year?! Can't wait to see you in the theater!

The Marriage Plot, by Jeffrey Eugenides - 3.5 stars. I really loved Middlesex, and wanted to love this book, but it depressed the everloving shit out of me. Its description of depression is way too accurate. Lots of people are loving this book, though, so don't take my word for it.

1Q84, by Haruki Murakami - in progress. I anticipate 4 stars. Shhhhhhhh. Don't tell anyone I thought I was reading a book by Kazuo Ishiguro, who wrote Never Let Me Go, which I read last year and LOVED. In any case, I'm kind of loving 1Q84. Feel free to read it!

What books did you read and love this year? Tell me! And friend me on Goodreads! I put a button on the sidebar.

Let's talk about the R-word

2011-12-08T10:39:00.001-08:00

Finally dug out my list of 2011 New Year's resolutions.

There were 38 of them. I accomplished 4.

I'm removing two resolutions that I think are dumb, so that leaves 36 resolutions. Of the remaining unfinished 32 resolutions, I believe if I really try, I can complete an additional 9.

REALISTICALLY, I will complete probably 3 of them, the most important of those being to finish the book. Finishing the book will really make the remainder of the resolutions moot -- I don't give a crap WHAT I didn't accomplish this year as long as this blasted novel is done.

I usually do much better with my resolutions, but I think I got completely distracted this year by the pregnancy/miscarriage nonsense. I lost focus, big time. I'm trying to learn how to be a buckle-downer, but it's not inherent, so I have to struggle against my own tendency to daydream and distract myself with other things.

I'll make another resolution list, once this year is over. Really, I just need this year to go bye-bye. If you've read me for a while, you know I love the New Year; love that fresh start and new chance to make it work. To make amazing things happen.

Maybe that will be 2012's mantra. Make amazing things happen. I believe we're each able to accomplish so much more than we realize. Will have to think about this some more.

Do you make resolutions? How is your 2011 list looking?

Crazy Cat People: Guest Edition Part 2

2011-12-07T14:33:00.001-08:00

Feeling lazy (and insane. See previous post re: finishing novel by the end of the year). Therefore, here are some submissions from readers!

First, from my friend Mary! Brace yourself!

This is just wrong in so many ways. And yet ... that dude's belly button totally looks like a cat's asshole. So there you have it.

Next up is something sent to me by my old college newspaper editor, Aaron. It's a meme generator called Bad Advice Cat, and I. Am. Loving it.

Bad Advice Cat looks so excited about his bad advice! There are tons of these things, some funnier than others.

This isn't advice so much as a wrong-headed statement. And yet, hilarious! Did you just say, "Spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti!" with an Italian accent while holding your hand in that ... Italian way? No? Huh.

This reminds me of when, in the fifth grade, a DARE officer told us about some chick that was high on PCP who attacked the cops and COULD. NOT. BE. STOPPED. She was like ... Chuck Norris on steroids. I think the story goes she got shot to death by the fuzz but not before she took, like, eleven bullets and ka-powed 42 cops in the face. This may have been my fifth grade imagination at work. In any case, I never forgot that story, did I? And I never did PCP. Although: I probably never would have even heard of PCP if the DARE officer hadn't told us that story, nor would I have been the least bit curious about it.

Tangents are fun.

What the ... Bad advice? This is awesome advice! See, I have a problem. It's not so much that I get bored when people speak in extraordinary detail for 20 minutes about something I can sum up for you in about 30 seconds. It's that this kind of thing makes me feel TOTALLY INSANE. I don't need to know what you were wearing or what you ate for breakfast the day you went to the music festival, just tell me about the fucking festival and be done with it already! Please, for the love of God, people. Leave the unnecessary details where they belong -- in your crazy brain.

All right, that's about enough Bad Advice Cat. Please, someone, go generate some new Bad Advice Cat memes and send them to me.

Last up is a photo from a reader named Kelly, whose daughter seems to have a borderline unhealthy obsession with cats. This photo was stolen from Kelly's daughter's facebook page around Halloween (Also: I should have posted this photo around Halloween but oopsies).

Ohmagawww the cute! Kittens are so friggin adorable. Then they get bigger and destroy everything you own. This is why we can't have nice things.

I'm sure I missed some submissions. I promise that any new emails, FB messages or tweets will be placed in a special folder so that I remember to post them later on. Keep sending them, guys!

Bullet points - holiday edition

2011-12-05T13:19:00.001-08:00

I am going to finish the book by the end of this year. This may mean I may need to go dark for a while and be even more hermit-esque than usual.

I started a diet Saturday. What, December's not a good time to start a diet?

I'm afraid to look at the New Year's resolution list I compiled last December.

I am going to a cookie party tonight. What, a cookie party isn't a good thing to go to when you're on a diet?

I lost six pounds in two days. It's the Southbeach diet. Yes, I realize this is sort of amazing/disgusting/shameful/awesomesauce.

If I don't finish the book by the end of the year, I'm going to finish myself. Imma go live with the fishies, ya see?

The only resolution I recall that I kept was to get pregnant, and that didn't work out. Balls.

Some day I'm going to write a book titled: "This was a lot harder than I expected." It'll be out in 2076, when I'm 98 years old.

The cookies I made for the cookie party tonight are meh. They're OK. Thankfully. If they were awesome, I'd need to eat them. Long story short: I'm not winning the cookie contest.

Why I feel compelled to tell the internet every time I start a new diet is beyond me. It's obviously a bad idea. Not the diet -- the publicizing of the diet.

If I see you at the cookie party, don't mention the diet, ok?

Giuliana is having a double mastectomy. I know I'm not supposed to give a shit about famous people, but I feel for this woman.

I think "clean the junk room out" was on the resolution list. Oh, BALLS.

I've had a headache since Saturday. I assume this is me detoxing off sugar.

What is the deal with mid-season television finales? I call bull shit.

You guys, I'm about to become AN AUNT. Ohmagawww.

I don't want to pay $14.99 to read 1Q84 on my Kindle, but I'm going to, aren't I? After I finish writing that fucking book!

I'm never going to write another book as long as I live.

I haven't bought a single Christmas gift. BALLS.

I take it back. I'll probably write another book. Because I like pain and being a loser. And also being rejected.

I've been thinking seriously about working for a large liquor store. I mean, cheap wine, right?

Asian Chicken Noodle Soup

2011-12-01T11:19:00.000-08:00

One time when I had a killer cold, my husband took me to an Asian noodle place in Palo Alto called Zao (which has unfortunately closed). I got a soup called the Cold Buster (or something like that) that made me feel about five thousand percent better, besides tasting extremely awesome, and I've been wanting that soup ever since.

I believe this Asian Chicken Noodle Soup from Eat Live Run's site is the closest approximation I've had since. It's really delicious and spicy, and basically the perfect thing to eat when it's so cold I can't get my toes to warm up. I'm not sure I can ever eat regular chicken soup again.

I chopped up two heads of baby bok choy. It seemed like too much, but ended up being the perfect amount.

I generally dislike pictures of raw meat, and this is no exception. However, it is undeniable that there is chicken in this dish!

Ginger & garlic

Scallions

One jalapeno, sliced thinly. You can leave out the jalapeno (which makes the soup VERY spicy), or you can seed it and then put it in. Or you can just put in half. Whatever. We like it spicy. Clears the sinuses.

Chinese noodles.

These are the kind I used and they worked great. Got em from Whole Foods.

Top the end result with cilantro (and later with sriracha sauce -- not seen here) and go to town.

This recipe gets two thumbs up from both me and my husband. It's such a perfect winter soup.

And if you aren't already a devoted fan of Eat Live Run, you must become one. I was just recently made aware of her site (thanks Lisa) and this is her second recipe I've tried, the first being the chicken tikka masala that I just about died over, I was so happy (In fairness she was trying someone else's recipe). She's also entertaining to read and has great photos.

Crazy Cat People: The Cube Edition

2011-11-30T10:53:00.001-08:00

Our cats, Simon and Murray, used to have a tent we bought them for $10 at Target. Until one day, when Simon got the squirts and smeared dookie on his tent, so we sent it to the big litterbox in the sky.

But, the cats really liked that stupid thing, so we went back to Target to find them another one recently. They didn't have the tent anymore, but they did have ... The Cubes.

The Cubes are made out of the same material the tent was made out of. The difference is they're cubes, not tents (duh), there were two cubes in one package and you can hook the cubes together with velcro. We could get more and more cubes and create kitty tunnels of cubes all over the house!

But that's something a crazy person would do.

Here Murray is catty-corner in a cube, sniffing the ball in his circular ball-toy thingy. A cat bed is resting partially on the circular ball-toy thingy, which makes the ball-toy thingy irresistible -- for some reason when the ball is partially obscured, he loves it. And yes, my house is coated in a thick layer of cat hair. Why do you ask?

Simon really is the sweetest pussy.

Here's a better view of the cubes.

Here I've arranged the cubes and the ball-toy thingy so that the ball will be partially obscured by the cube, for Murray's pleasure.

Action shot.

His favorite way to play is when his head is completely covered by something else. He probably has mommy issues.

I definitely need more cubes.

Happiness

2011-11-29T12:22:00.001-08:00

Something I read in today's newspaper:

The simplest definition of happiness is wanting what you have.

Conversely, the simplest definition of stress is wanting something to be different.

I want what I have, but I admit I want it all to be different, too. I wonder if I will ever be satisfied.

A little pre-indulgence indulgence

2011-11-28T11:46:00.001-08:00

So the Saturday before Thanksgiving, we traveled to Vegas with a few friends. I like this whole vacation-before-a-holiday thing. We did that once by going to Hawaii right before Christmas, and loved it. The awesome thing about traveling right before a holiday is that the destinations are relatively abandoned. So it's pretty pleasant without the large crowds, plus you can get some sweet deals.

We stayed at the Wynn. I love the Wynn.

And we upgraded to the "tower suites," which normally go for between $800 and $1k a night. It cost us nowhere near that amount.

Here's the living room.

Yes, there are mirrors on the ceiling.

The room comes with its own bar.

Bed. Pretty comfy although the pillows were meh.

The coup de grace was really the bathroom. It was larger than most of the apartments I have lived in. I am not joking.

Large tub with jacuzzi jets on one side.

Large shower with one of those overhead rainshower things in it ... I cannot tell you how glorious this shower was. I need one of these awesome overhead showerheads. Also, you can watch tv while you shower!

View from the room on the 29th floor.

Dining area we never used.

The MASSAGE TABLE in a SEPARATE ROOM OF ITS OWN. That we never used. Because we got awesome massages at the Mirage. I highly recommend the Mirage for this purpose. It was one of the best massages I've ever had and it didn't cost an arm and a leg.

Ham & brie crepes with scrambled eggs and hollandaise sauce for breakfast at Bouchon. It was really good although everything could have been hotter.

Vegas was in the process of getting decked out for Christmas.

This is a fancy water dispenser for absinthe. You drip water slowly onto a sugar cube and it disintegrates into the absinthe. Not my bag -- I had port.

You can just barely see window washers near the edge of the building. Taken from my room.

Five cuts of wagyu beef at Craftsteak (owned by Tom Collichio) in the MGM. This restaurant is ridiculously good, and insanely expensive. It's worth it once a year or so ... Their parker house rolls are to die for. They bring about five delicious appetizers -- I even tried beef tartare and LIKED IT.

A gajillion desserts at Craftsteak. Everything is knock-you-on-your-ass good.

Another awesome meal we had that I don't have photos of was at Mario Batali's restaurant, Otto, in the Venetian. I suggest the salumi and prosciutto from the antipasti menu. Then get the ricotta fritters and some cheese from the cheese menu. Most of us ordered the specials of the day, the winner of which was the pizza. My pasta dish was delightful, although a bit salty. Still, it's hard to beat homemade pasta. My husband ordered the spaghetti and meatballs and it was delicious.

Snow on the mountains on the ride home. So pretty. I'm ready to begin thinking about Christmas now ...

Slow Cooker Chicken Tikka Masala

2011-11-21T08:00:00.000-08:00

Now, listen.

I found this recipe on another blog, and that blogger said this was the best thing she'd ever made in her slow cooker. I was skeptical. I have some really bomb-ass slow-cooker recipes. And then I made this and I was like:

This is the best thing I have ever made in my slow cooker.

This ... this might be the best thing I have ever made, period. I don't say that lightly. I have a handful of recipes I turn to that I absolutely love, but this is on a whole other level.

The chicken is so tender. The spices complement each other so well ... My husband says this is the closest he's ever tasted to restaurant-style tikka masala -- except he says the homemade version seems less "harsh." Sometimes Indian food puts the hurt on him.

You do have to like Indian food, and specifically chicken tikka masala. Once you've confirmed that you do, indeed, like Indian food, you need to commit a block of time to this dish's preparation. Before the stuff is even in the pot, cooking, you've got about 45 minutes of prep in front of you.

But it ... is ... worth it.

I didn't photograph the prep on this recipe. How do you like that? One of the best things I've ever made and I didn't photograph the prep. Luckily someone else did. Go there and check her out. She obviously knows what she's talking about.

Overconfident writers never have made any sense to me

2011-11-18T11:51:00.000-08:00

What I'm going to keep reminding myself of

2011-11-17T14:55:00.000-08:00

The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people do things they don't feel like doing. In other words, they don't procrastinate.

Of course realizing this and putting it into action are two different things. Just as I realize that eating low-calorie meals and exercising results in weight loss. Surfing the internet and eating pumpkin cream cheese cupcakes are just such enjoyable activities.

Crazy Cat People: Finger Puppet Edition

2011-11-16T10:24:00.001-08:00

So you surely remember the "Crafting with Cat Hair" book I included in a recent "Crazy Cat People" post, only because it's probably the most awesomely strange thing to ever have appeared here. Well, a funny thing happened after I published that post -- the social media marketing dude from Quirk Books contacted me to see if I wanted a copy of the book!

And what do you think I said? I said yes, of course.

Proud owner of "Crafting with Cat Hair."

I got the crafting bug yesterday, so busted out a couple supplies and spotted my first victim.

Simon. So innocent. So unaware.

Me. So strange. So FURminating.

I furminated Simon, and then I furminated him some more. Then he ran away. Then I furminated Murray. Then he ran away. Then I had two disgusting piles of cat hair.

Ew. Ewwwwwwwww. Thankfully this project calls for washing the cat hair as well.

Before I could create a finger puppet, I had to create a "waterproof" template. I put waterproof in quotes because my particular template was not waterproof. Me not be so patient.

In other news, my template was stupid. I made it too big.

In further developments, wrapping the template in cat hair turned out to be not as easy as I expected. It required a bit more patience than I usually reserve for projects of any sort.

But I finally got it into a cat-like shape. And then I washed it. And then I IRONED it. Yes, I got the ironing board out for this project. In this photo I am perturbed that this project is taking so long.

I am almost certain this "finger puppet" is not what the author had in mind. For starters, it's on two of my fingers. And you can kind of see my fingers through the puppet hair. Additionally, it looks like .... a dead rat or something. Still, I am highly amused. Let's see what the cats think.

Murray's intrigued.

He was really getting into it, burying his nose in the fur, trying to figure out what the deal was. Murray, if you're reading this, the deal is that Mommy has too much time on her hands.

I finally found the perfect use for the puppet. I turned it into a cat hair roller cozy!! So appropriate and ironic, right? Heh.

I chased Simon around the house so he could sniff it. He acted like I was trying to kill him. I finally cornered him.

He's skeptical.

Now he's into it.

Now they're both into it. I took it away when they started licking it.

IN CONCLUSION:

1) That was hilarious. Maybe not for you, but it was for me.

2) I should probably be ashamed of myself.

3) This might be a fun craft book to have on hand if you have cats AND kids and it's raining outside or something. Or if you're basically an insane cat lady.

Chinese White Cut Chicken with Ginger Scallion Oil

2011-11-15T14:37:00.001-08:00

Or, as it's said in Cantonese: bok cheet gai.

Look at me! I am so ethnic. Word to your moms.

So I know this doesn't look super impressive, but it's about as close as I can come to cooking authentic Chinese food. It's got a flavor you will recognize if you've ever been to a Chinese banquet. And that flavor is: awesomeness.

My friend Kem sent me the link to this recipe. Seeing as how her family actually used to own and operate a Chinese restaurant, I'm absolutely going to take her word for it any time she tells me a certain Chinese recipe tastes good. I was not disappointed.

What really sells me on this recipe is how easy it is. Look how few ingredients it calls for! Chicken, scallions, garlic, ginger, and some oil.

Disclaimer: This recipe actually calls for a whole chicken. I used two chicken breasts instead, poaching them for ... I dunno. Less than 30 minutes. Turned out great.

You poach your chicken in water with salt and ginger and garlic. Then you take the chicken out and put a little sesame seed oil on it (be sparing! This stuff knows how to come back to haunt you later).

Then you make your sauce, which is just sliced scallions, ginger, and some salt, with hot ass vegetable oil poured over it.

This is the "sauce," pre-oiled. Word to the wise: Put the scallions, etc., in a deeper bowl than they really need. When you pour hot oil over it, the onions and ginger sizzle something fierce, and can cause a mighty unpleasant mess.

End product. I'm sure this photo is going to win me some kind of award. I sauteed a little baby bok choy as a side, and what I should have done was sauteed twice as much bok choy and eaten half as much chicken. Half a chicken breast is more than enough. I know this, and yet when I'm really hungry I just go in for the kill, only to regret it later.

In any case, you should make this. It's yummy. Probably not low fat, considering the oil. But tis the season to become big fatties, eh? Here's the link.

She of the Big Hair

2011-11-14T15:57:00.001-08:00

Last week my sister posted a couple photos of my brother-in-law on Facebook from his days as a young Okie. He sported a pretty impressive afro, and at times a pinky ring, but we won't get into that here. I'll save that conversation for Thanksgiving dinner.

I'm not going to show you those embarrassing photos (but trust me -- hilarity ensued after I saw them), but that information is relevant because as it happens, my sister also had a really impressive afro as a child. It was a halo of curly blonde hair that basically grew in a circle around her head. It didn't grow down -- it grew out. You get the picture.

This picture really does not do the 'fro justice. I'll have to work on finding another one. Related: In this picture she appears to be pointing and speaking. I'm guessing she's saying: "Bring me the cookies. ALL OF THEM." I'm told no one could understand her except for me when she was a toddler, so I interpreted. I hope I was smart enough to use that to my advantage, ie.: "She said to bring her a cookie, and to bring one to me, too."

In any case, my sister is 34 weeks pregnant and, if the most recent ultrasound is any indication, on track to birth a girl with some serious hair growing out of her head.

I'm not exactly schooled in this area, but this is the only ultrasound I've personally seen that shows hair. By the way, Thank you, helpful ultrasound tech, for the word "hair" next to the hair.

I seriously cannot wait for my little 'fro-headed niece to get here.

The best things this week

2011-11-08T13:22:00.000-08:00

We ditched our coffee pot for an electric percolator and I could not be happier. Awesome things about the percolator:

- It doesn't beep at me. I don't need a machine to beep at me when my coffee is done. I instinctively know when my coffee is ready because coffee and I are soul mates for life.

- It's cute. Way cuter than our old coffee maker.

- It's stainless steel. No plastic parts (on the inside)! Therefore no leaching of bullshit plastic chemicals into my coffee.

- It does not require the purchase of paper filters. I'm saving the environment, yo!

- It doesn't drip. Don't even get me started about drippy coffee pots.

- It makes the best tasting coffee ever. And you don't need to use as many grounds as you do in a regular coffee maker in order to make strong coffee. Saving money, yo!

And then there are my new onion goggles. I don't know if I cut onions like a fool or if I'm just highly susceptible to onion fumes, but I literally cannot cut an onion without tears streaming down my face and wrecking my eye makeup. Cue onion goggles. They come with a little padding to create a "seal" that prevents the fumes from getting to your eyes. AND THEY WORK. Hallelujah. No more crying into my pozole.

That is all. No one paid me to write this stuff; I just like it. I'm not linking to anything because ... I'm not being paid. :)

Wrinkles and gray hairs and oh my

2011-11-07T13:11:00.000-08:00

My little sister turned 30 this weekend.

Doesn't the universe understand that I'm still 19 years old?! Why does the sun insist on rising and setting every day, three hundred sixty five times every year, making the years pile up on each other so that now ... here we are. Adults with homes and problems and and the major concern of late being the lack of insulation in the walls. God, how boring.

The good news is this cheesecake was really, really good. Perhaps my best yet. The bad news is my metabolism slows down every day and I may as well have taped eight ounce packets of cream cheese directly to my stomach.

I just want you to know we used to be really cute. On this day our biggest concern was probably how much candy was going to be in our Easter baskets. Now we are grown ups. That curly haired blonde is 32 weeks pregnant, married, working as a teacher. And I'm all grown up and shit, too. Married, making dinner, cleaning up cat vomit, frantically writing a book, terrorizing the internet with my inanity.

I don't like it, man. At least if I have to be grown up, can I have nice skin?

Charlie

2011-11-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

I arrived at Katie’s homebirth late in the evening on my birthday. It was 10:45 p.m.

It was so quiet. Katie was lying in a Rubbermaid birth tub in the dining room, wearing a striped bikini top. Two midwives, a doula, and Katie's husband Russell were bent dutifully over her and barely registered my presence. I removed my camera from its case as quietly as possibly and sat gingerly on the edge of the couch.

When the screaming began, my spine melted. I knew well beforehand she'd scream because she gives birth quickly, and it's intense. And yet knowing it and hearing it are two different things.

I realized with a cold, horrific certainty that I had seriously overestimated my own ability to birth a child.

My own hard-won pregnancy, the one I'd worked on for a year, had ended in miscarriage only weeks earlier and at that moment in time, with Katie's tortured scream making my butt cheeks clench together, I knew it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

I mulled over the home births I'd witnessed in a documentary. The mothers labored quietly, for themost part. It’s obviously painful, but they each magically squeeze out babieswithout much fuss, sometimes standing in the kitchen, sometimes crouching inthe bedroom, sometimes lying in a water-filled tub, as my friend was now.

My friend, who was sobbing during the few moments of respite between contractions, and telling her doula she couldn't do it. My knees pulled together unconsciously.

At some point I did a thing I have a knack for doing and shut out the screaming and went inside myself and waited. I took a few photos. It's a gift acquired by reporters who have to detatch themselves at crime scenes and the like. Not to compare the birth to a crime scene. This was unlike anything I'd ever witnessed.

At one point I even managed to joke with Katie that she had another half an hour to bring this child into the world on my birthday. She smiled and then screamed.

Then her water broke, and twenty minutes later there was a new person in the room. It was 11:58 p.m. The doula was urging me to take photos. I looked through the lens but couldn't see; tears were running down my face. I pushed the shutter button anyway.

I took it back -- everything I'd said to myself about the miscarriage.

How could I still believe what I'd believed only moments ago, when these two parents were gazing so adoringly at their perfect son?

The thought was gone from my mind, as though it had never existed.

And, after all, there are such things as epidurals, although you should probably not use that word in the company of the midwives and doula who delivered this baby.

And if I were a lot crunchier, I'd totally consider a home birth. I mean, I'd never seen two more relaxed parents. They had the comforts of their home. Katie was relaxed on her own bed. No one had taken the baby from them to poke or prod or measure or any of that other hospital-type nonsense. She breastfed and then decided to take a shower. We drank champagne and ate muffins.

Lots of people don't support home birth. It's been so ingrained that you give birth in the hospital, hooked up to all the machines. If you gave birth at home, something could happen, right? Well, I'm not here to convince anyone to have a home birth, but everyone should know that something could happen in the hospital as well. And that the chances of something happening are very small.

And at home, you probably aren't going to get MRSA or any of the other nasty bugs hospitals are crawling with. And at home, no nurses are going to demand that only two people be in the room at any given time.

This little boy was very excited to meet his new little brother, who a few days later was dubbed "Charles" -- one of my favorite names in the universe.

It was a life-altering thing to see. I'd wondered how I would feel about everything afterward, since I'd been slogging through post-miscarriage blues. I found myself re-invigorated, recommitted to getting pregnant and having my own kid. It was so beautiful to see, that my own experience didn't factor in to what I'd witnessed, which I was grateful for.

I was grateful just to be there, and in awe of these people, my friends. I still am. I look at these photos again and again, and still cry each time.

This blog post and accompanying photos were published with the permission and encouragement of my friends, Katie & Russell, in case anyone's got a bee in their bonnet about me telling someone else's birth story.

P.S. As of 3:30 p.m. on 11/3/11, I've deleted the Intense Debate comment system because it was causing your comments to disappear and making me ragey/stabby. I will respond to each of you who left comments by leaving my own comment in the good old-fashioned blogger comments seen below. Thank you for reading and commenting.

Things to repeat

2011-11-02T11:17:00.000-07:00

1. It's never going to be any easier than it is right now. Stop thinking about how easy this would have been ten years ago. Ten years ago was then, and this is now. Live now and appreciate the ease with which you can accomplish this now, compared to how much more difficult it would be ten years in the future.

2. You are doing this. I saw proof that it is happening. This proves that if you keep doing this, you will finish.

3. You will finish.

4. If you were stupid, you would not have a college degree. You are smart.

5. If you were crazy, someone would probably have reported you to the authorities by now. You are not crazy.

6. Well, you might be a little crazy, but in the best way possible.

7. Depression passes. Been there, done that. I saw you move past it before. This time you are better, stronger, and have more money for wine.

8. When you finish, you will be done. Can you imagine that? When you finish, you can begin the projects you won't let yourself start now. That feeling you seek is called freedom.

Evil Emeril's Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting

2011-10-31T10:24:00.000-07:00

So, look.

I know this isn't the best photo of a cupcake, ever.

I made this cupcake on Friday and since then it's been in a container, nestled in close with its cupcake brothers and sisters. That doesn't make it any less delicious, though.

Here's the story of how these came about.

I went to Nothing Bundt Cakes for a Pumpkin Spice bundt to give to friends who just had a baby. By the way, have you been to Nothing Bundt Cakes? It's all bundts! Of all different sizes. And they happen to taste like crack.

So anyway, the pumpkin spice bundt was to die for, and ever since I tasted it, I wanted more. So when I saw Emeril's recipe in the November issue of Everyday Food, I knew I must make it. And so I did. And it ... is so ... good. Emeril ain't messing around.

Makes 24 at 292 calories per cupcake

Ingredients for Cupcakes (frosting recipe below)

¾ cup (1 ½ sticks) unsalted butter, at room temperature

1 cup firmly packed light brown sugar

1 cup sugar

3 eggs

1 cup pumpkin puree

½ cup buttermilk

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice

1 teaspoon baking soda

Cooking Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly coat 24 standard muffin cups with cooking spray or line with paper liners. In a medium bowl, whisk together pumpkin puree, buttermilk, and vanilla. In another medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, baking soda and pumpkin pie spice. In a large bowl, using an electric mixer, beat butter and sugars on medium high until light and fluffy, 3-5 minutes. Beat in eggs, one at a time, scraping down bowl as needed. With mixer on low, beat in flour mixture in three additions, alternating with two additions pumpkin mixture, until combined.

Spoon 1/4 cup batter into each muffin cup. Bake until a toothpick inserted in center comes out clean, 18 to 20 minutes, rotating pans halfway through. Let cupcakes cool in pans on wire racks, 15 minutes. Remove cupcakes from pans and let cool completely on racks, 10 minutes. (Store cupcakes in airtight containers, up to 2 days.) To serve, spread frosting onto cooled cupcakes.

Cream Cheese Frosting

In a large bowl, using an electric mixer, beat 12 ounces cream cheese and 10 tablespoons (1 1/4 sticks) unsalted butter, both room temperature, until smooth, about 4 minutes. With mixer on low, beat in 1 1/2 cups confectioners' sugar, sifted, and 2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract until smooth and fluffy, 5 minutes. Thin with 1 to 2 tablespoons whole milk if necessary. (Refrigerate in an airtight container, up to 1 day; bring to room temperature before using). Makes 3 cups.

Paper Culture Winner!

2011-10-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who entered! You guys all had a really good chance of winning because there were only 15 entrants, hahaha...

Just FYI to anyone who was concerned that their comment didn't show up -- don't worry, I got it. Intense Debate and Blogger sometimes act like little bitches, but all of the comments are emailed to me. Additionally, when Intense Debate stops working, there is still a log of comments on the Intense Debate site.

Enough of that boring shit.

The winner is ...

Vanessa from The Voyage of V!

I love Vanessa's blog. She always has the most beautiful photos. I'll email you the voucher code, V!

(BTW I had taped a video of me choosing the winner to ensure fairness, but I couldn't make audio sync with video, which is one of my hugest peeves ever. I refuse to post anything that's not synced. Sorry dudes!)

Food flops!

2011-10-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

So you know how every now and then I post recipes that turn out well?

It used to be that I'd just post any new recipe I'd tried to the blog, regardless of how it turned out. And then I decided: If something tastes crappy, I just won't post it. A novel idea, no?

So then I was thinking about that some more, and decided: How about when a recipe is a flop, I combine it with other recipes that are flops and post their photos on the blog? That idea amused me, and as we all know, it's obviously all about what amuses me.

This may be the making of a new feature! We'll just have to see how many crappy recipes I try.

So here are a few flops ...

This one was something I called "Erin Surprise." Actually, any time I'm basically throwing food together in a mad scientist kind of way, I call that Erin Surprise. My mom used to do this and we called it "Mommy Surprise." Her results were similar to mine. Sometimes they were awesome, and sometimes not so much.

I'll tell you what happened with this dish. The story goes: I made this dish once and it turned out AWESOME. It's got ground beef, bell pepper, basil, tomato paste, and some other junk I don't remember. So I figured: Super! I made an awesome thing. I will make it again and post it to the blog! And then I made it again and it tasted like poop. Good story, right?

This dish should have been good, in theory. It contains several things I enjoy: Salmon, potatoes, kalamata olives. But I pretty much hated it, and my husband really hated it. It was an Everyday Food recipe called "Salmon and Potatoes in Tomato Sauce," from the October 2011 edition. I think I've decided that salmon needs to sort of stand alone on a plate, maybe with a sauce, but not mixed into a weird jumble like this.

And then there was the coup de grace.

Just looking at all these delivious veggies, I was really excited. So bright, crispy, and vibrant.

Look how sad they are now. This was a green vegetable curry that turned out limp and lacking in flavor. Baby bok choy has many good uses, but this was a big bastardization of bok choy. I wondered if maybe it turned out so poorly because I don't own a proper wok, and too much water from the vegetables diluted the curry flavor. It's a possibility, but I'm not going to try this recipe again.

That's all for now! I'll be trying a couple new recipes this week so it remains to be seen if they will be fabulous or floppy.

Crazy Cat People - The Christmas Edition.

2011-10-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

I got a couple of really irresistible offers in the mail recently.

The first was an offer for a FREE Cat Snow Globe Ornament! I need only pay $2.95 shipping and service, with no obligation to purchase anything else. Let's take a look!

This must be from my friend, Helen! Look, she left me a sticky note! She's right. These would look perfect on my tree!

Here's another ornament. It comes in a FREE keepsake, custom-made box! This one says, "Cats are people too!" So true.

Who could resist? These are ornaments from the esteemed Danbury Mint! They are intricately sculpted and hand painted! My free Cat Snow Globe Ornament is a $14.95 value! I can cancel at any time!

So, look, let get realsies for a second. We all know these offers are tailor-made to trick the elderly, right? That is the precise reason why I still receive the magazines TV Guide, Biblical Archaeology, and Working Mother more than three years after my grandmother-in-law passed away. She probably paid for five lifetimes of subscriptions to each. This kind of stuff drives me batshit crazy.

This is deceptive. *fist shake*

Breathe .....

Ok. This next offer isn't trying to pull any punches, it would seem. It's from the American Humane Association, the name of which is a little bit ... tricky. Because you might mistake it for the Humane Society. It calls itself "The nation's voice for the protection of children and animals." Whoever thought up that sentence should be flogged by an English professor. Specifically the chain-smoking, Diet Dr. Pepper-drinking one I had at state. I looked the Association up on the internet and their purpose and organization are fuzzy, to be kind.

In any case, the AHA wants you to buy Christmas cards. They're not going to send them to you for free; you're going to pay $25 for 25 cards.

Here are a few samples.

And some more samples.

Here's the only one I might consider buying. The thing is, if I'm going to send out a Christmas card with a cat on it, it should have MY cats on it. Or it should be REALLY funny. (Although I do send one pair of friends the same Christmas card every year, and it does have a picture of a cat on it. It's a long story. (What's up Catprick!?))

Now, even though you ARE paying for these cards, you do still get free stuff! Oh, joy!

Free address labels!?!?!?!?

AND free decorative holiday seals!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Stupendous.

*sigh*

I'm feeling a bit sad about humanity right now. I think I'll have some wine.

Butternut Squash with Shrimp

2011-10-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's fall, and thus time for gourds and such, as they say.

Cooking with squash can be a pain in the ass, dudes. They're often hard to cut into, and then there're the seeds. Oh god, the seeds. Not to mention the rind. And then you've got to cook it until the cows come home because that's just what it takes. So it's not often that I'm going to buy a butternut squash and go to all the trouble of peeling, seeding, and cooking that mofo.

But this soup is kind of worth it.

It's a butternut squash soup. With SHRIMP.

So yeah, basically this soup is twice as annoying as it has any right to be, because if you buy raw shrimp that hasn't been peeled and deveined yet, you're going to spend a good half hour doing that before you do anything else. Which is disgusting and annoying. And believe me, I looked for the peeled and deveined stuff, but it wasn't out there.

ANYWAY.

Here are the much-labored-over peeled and deveined shrimp, cooking in some butter. Yum. Butter.

Then you take your shrimps out.

Admire your handiwork. I did.

Then you throw in some more butter, onion, and sage and cook that for a while.

Then you throw in your squash, broth, and cayenne pepper. A little goes a long way with cayenne, yeesh!

After this has cooked for a while, the recipe (an Everyday Food recipe, BTW. ALSO - did you see Martha's daughter on the Today Show? Sweet criminy that woman is out of her mind.) wants you to put half this concoction in a blender. That is utter dumbassedness. Just take your immersion blender and put it in the pot and blend as much as you want. Frankly, I don't like a lot of squash chunks in my soup, so I blended most of it. It was the bomb. Oh, you throw some sour cream in there as some point, too.

And then you throw your shrimp back in, make sure it has enough salt, and then ...

Yummy.

It's really good. Now, if we're measuring by my husband's standards, he's not a huge fan of butternut squash in general, so he's not going to be the best judge of this recipe. BUT he did throw some tobasco sauce in his and he liked that quite a bit. I think this recipe would go well with some garlic bread and chardonnay. I also think you could leave the shrimp out and it'd be a very serviceable butternut squash soup.

Now here's something shocking: The recipe is up on the Everyday Food site. So you can just click here to get it! Warning -- as of this moment the picture accompanying the recipe is wrong. It's showing some weird salmon concoction. But the recipe and directions are correct. Enjoy!

Paper Culture giveaway (and general fawning over Paper Culture)

2011-10-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

I've been remiss, guys. I met Paper Culture co-founder Christopher Wu at BlogHer, and he gave me a $50 voucher for a giveaway on my blog. That was early August, and here were are in late October and the voucher expires next month and aaaaaaaaaaaaccccckkkk.

So anyway. I loved Paper Culture the minute I set my eyes on its products. They make absolutely gorgeous cards for whatever occasion you want -- holidays, invitations, announcements -- and the kicker is that the cards and envelopes are all made of 100% post-consumer recycled materials, and the company plants a tree in your honor every time you place an order.

I actually just ordered a mess of baby shower invitations for my sister's upcoming shower, and yes I paid for them and yes they are fabulous. And they arrived in the mail super-fast.

My sister's invite. There are so many adorable designs to choose from.

Here are some cards I picked up at BlogHer.

This voucher card just shows all the possibilities -- Christmas cards, birthday invitations, save-the-dates, birth announcements, etc.

Love this quote: "I lived to write, and wrote to live."

You're welcome.

Holiday-ish.

All of the cards are on 130 lb paper and I can vouch for their quality.

So the giveaway goes like this: I am going to give one lucky person a $50 voucher code to use on whatever you want from Paper Culture. Isn't that rad?

What you should do: Leave a comment telling me what you did over the weekend. I like to live vicariously through others. One entry per person. No more entries after midnight Thursday, October 27, 2011 (Pacific time). I'll announce the winner on Friday!

Crazy Cat People - The Guest Edition

2011-10-19T11:31:00.000-07:00

Since I started this feature a scant three weeks ago, I've received a few photos of crazy cat things from interested contributors. So I figured, Heck! Let's have a Contributor's Edition.

So for starters we have the Crazy Cat Lady action figure. When I saw this, I didn't believe it was a real thing. Oh, but it is. It's available for $9.45 from Amazon!

Here is the product description:

"Every town has a Crazy Cat Lady. She's the one who lives in a tiny house full of feral felines. This 5-1/4" (13.3 cm) tall, hard vinyl Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure has a wild look in her eye and comes with six cats.

How many cats do you have? The Crazy Cat Lady Action figure has six to start out with, which is a little low if you ask me. She reminds me a little of an old witch that I was married to once. Warning Chocking Hazard! Contains small parts, not for children under 3."

There is nothing I can say to make that description funnier, misspelling and all. Thank you, Aaron, for this one.

*sigh*

What can I say about this particular crazy cat thing, other than:

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PEOPLE.

This is also, unfortunately, readily available for purchase for $9.07 from Amazon. Here's more info from Amazon:

Review

“Intensely cute…”—Publishers Weekly

“Quirky and the projects are super easy.”—OregonLive.com
“It caught our attention.”—The Huffington Post

Product Description

Got fur balls?

Are your favorite sweaters covered with cat hair? Do you love to make quirky and one-of-a-kind crafting projects? If so, then it’s time to throw away your lint roller and curl up with your kitty! Crafting with Cat Hair shows readers how to transform stray clumps of fur into soft and adorable handicrafts. From kitty tote bags and finger puppets to fluffy cat toys, picture frames, and more, these projects are cat-friendly, eco-friendly, and require no special equipment or training. You can make most of these projects in under an hour—with a little help, of course, from your feline friends!

So I have to admit ... I am a little intrigued with the idea of making finger puppets out of the copious craploads of fur my cats shed. Except the idea kind of makes me want to barf. Not surprisingly, the author of this book lives in Japan and has two popular cat blogs that I will not promote here because 1) They're written in Japanese and 2) CAT-FUR FINGER PUPPETS. NO.

Thank you, Katie, for that submission!

Now this ... I know for certain this exists. This is almost definitely a photo taken from Parade Magazine or something similar. Maybe the coupon catalog that comes in the mail with the Pennysaver. Some crazy cat lady somewhere is looking at that and thinking: That yellow and flowered cat statue would look so delightful in my curio cabinet.

By the way -- curio cabinets? Are for dedicated fans of certain things, or people who win lots of awards (maybe at cat shows!). I do not currently own a curio cabinet.

Now, I've considered buying a cat statue or two in my time -- and I may own a cat statue or two -- but this one ... this one is actually kind of creepy.

Thank you, Kelly, for this one!

Best new thing ever

2011-10-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

I often cook using recipes from magazines or books, because I'm not exactly original or naturally gifted in the kitchen. Normally I just put whatever recipe I'm using on top of the microwave or somewhere on the counter where I can find space. I can say with 100% certainty that every cookbook and cooking magazine I own is stained with the fruits of my labor. I don't have a problem with that, necessarily, but it doesn't keep the reading material in the best condition.

Cue the most awesome cookbook holder ever invented.

This thing can hold anything from a sheet of paper to a very thick book. It's got a cherrywood base with rubber bumpers on the bottom for grip.

And an acrylic cover to keep spatter of your cookbook! Here's one of my tiny Everyday Food magazines. I make that sweet-pepper rice with sausage recipe about once a month.

Here's my paperback Betty Crocker cookbook, with the back acrylic panel adjusted one notch.

Betty Crocker is so informative.

The Pioneer Woman cookbook, which is a hardback. I haven't made these twice-baked potatoes but you can bet your bippy I'm going to.

Thing of beauty.

My Babycakes cookbook, open to the gluten-free, vegan donut recipe I have yet to try.

Another awesome feature of this cookbook holder: It folds down and lies flat.

Perfection. So simple, and yet so effective.

Nobody paid me to write this. I got it for my birthday and I'm over the moon about it. If you want one, it's called the Clear Solutions Jumbo Cookbook Holder. I think it makes a great gift for the chef in your life. I bought mine on Amazon.

Clap Clap Clap Clap Clap Clap! Accent Vlog!

2011-10-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

Have you guys heard of these newfangled accent vlogs that are making the rounds on the interwebs? I think I am really late to this party. But I'm here! Hello! I'm ready to perform, director!

Here's the deal-io. You speak and then your viewers/listeners/readers are supposed to respond by telling you if you have an accent. I already know I sound like a complete ding-dong. I'm from California but I believe I occasionally sound like I'm from Canada or Texas. I accept myself the way I am. I also accept my double chin.

More background on the origins of my "accent:" I've lived in California for almost my whole life, other than about a year as a baby in Oregon, and a very short stint in Florida on an internship. I got the hell out of Florida as fast as I could. Don't get me started about Florida. Anyway, my mom is born and raised in California. My dad grew up in the South and then moved to Bakersfield, CA, which is essentially an extension of the South. I have relatives from Bakersfield with thicker accents than my relatives from San Antonio, TX. I also lived in Sonora, CA, for a few years, which is sort of like living in Arkansas, if you consider the numerous toothless hicks and confederate flag tattoos. Maybe I talk like them now; like how Madonna thought she could have an English accent for a while.

Couple of notes before I post the accent vlog!

1) I am a ghost until about 8 seconds in.

2) This is my first and only take. My cats again interrupt this vlog. Enjoy!

3) Ginger's vlog can be seen here.

4) The "clacker" blog can be read here (you have to watch the video to understand).

Now that you've watched, you're obligated to say whether you think I have an accent or not! I know. Titillating stuff.

And now, you are also obligated to do an accent vlog, too. Heh. Here are the steps:

Say the following words:

Aunt, route, wash, oil, theatre, iron, salmon, caramel, fire, water, sure, data, ruin, crayon, toilet, New Orleans, pecan, both, again, probably, spitting image, Alabama, lawyer, coupon, mayonnaise, syrup, pajamas, caught

Answer these questions:

What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that curls into a ball when you touch it?
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?
What do you call gym shoes?
What do you say to address a group of people?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call your grandparents?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
What is the thing you use to change the TV channel?

Crazy Cat People - the figurine edition

2011-10-12T10:09:00.000-07:00

The offer I received in the mail recently for a free Crystal Cat Figurine reminds me of an offer I got from a spam-telemarketer who serial-dialed me no fewer than 30 times last week.

The telemarketer had a really awesome offer. She was gonna send me a $200 gift certificate to Wal-Mart, and all I had to do was give her my credit card number so she could charge me $3.95 shipping and handling to get the gift certificate to me. What a great deal! Since I just fell off the turnip truck, I obviously gave her my credit card information.

Not.

There were three problems with this telemarketing scam. The first was that I effing hate Wal-Mart. The second was that it doesn't cost $3.95 to send someone a gift certificate. The third was that THIS PERSON WANTED TO ROB ME BLIND.

Anyway, I'm sure the Crystal Cat Figurine people don't want to rob me blind. I'm being genuinely un-sarcastic here; I really think the Crystal Cat Figurine people just want me to pay $2.95 shipping and handling, so they can send me my free Crystal Cat Figurine, which is worth $14.95, and is, of course, super awesome.

What's not to love about these adorable Crystal Cat Figurines?

I'm sure my own cats would not knock them off my free Wooden Collector's Display (it's true! Keep reading!) and break them into four quadrillion pieces.

Here's how this "deal" works. They send you your free Crystal Cat Figurine and free Wooden Collector's Display (it's true!!) .... and then .... and then!!! They predictably keep sending you Crystal Cat Figurines! Which you are then expected to pay for, you silly maroon.

Which means you will have then paid $59.80 for five ugly -- I mean, beautiful! -- Crystal Cat Figurines and a disgusting wooden box. Plus shipping and handling, of course!!

There is the Wooden Collector's Display! Oh, geez. What an awesome deal. If I redeem my credit voucher, I can start my collection today! I have no further obligation to acquire any future Crystal Cat Figurines! I may never get this opportunity again! (They stress that last one in every single piece of junk mail I get.) I only have 14 days to respond before they send my adorable Crystal Cat Figurine to some other insane Cat Lady!!

That means I'm working

2011-10-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

I watched "The Shining" over the weekend.

It's one of few horror movies that stands the test of time and remains truly creep-tastic to this day. There're lots of reasons for this. For starters, it's a Stephen King novel. Then, Jack Nicholson plays the lead, and he's simply genius in it. And lastly, this is a Stanley Kubrick film and he is known for obsessing over the most minute details and doing upwards of thirty or forty takes per scene. He would subject actors to whatever conditions he felt would make them perform better, and thus instructed the crew on the film to treat Shelley Duvall like crap for the entire time so she would feel hopeless and then portray exactly that emotion.

If you haven't seen the movie, stop reading this and go watch it and then come back. This post contains a couple spoilers.

So, there's this brilliant scene, when Jack's writing his book, which many of us know is just the sentence, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy," over and over and over again. Interesting fact: Kubrick hired a typist to type this sentence over and over and he recorded it for the movie to make sure it sounded like this sentence was being authentically typed.

Anyway, it's a scene I think any writer can relate to. I'll put the dialogue below in case you're somewhere that you shouldn't be watching video. Enjoy! P.S. Some of the language is NSFW.

Wendy: Hi hon! How's it going?

Jack: Fine.

Wendy: Get a lot written today?

Jack: Yes.

Wendy: Hey. Weather forecast said it's gonna snow tonight.

Jack: What do you want me to do about it?

Wendy: Aw, come on, hon. Don't be so grouchy.

Jack: I'm not being grouchy. I just want to finish my work.

Wendy: Ok. I understand. I'll come back later with a couple of sandwiches for you, and maybe you'll let me read something then.

Jack: Wendy. Let me explain something to you. Whenever you come in here and interrupt me, you're breaking my concentration. You're distracting me. And it will then take me time to get back to where I was. You understand?

Wendy: Yes.

Jack: Fine. Now, we're gonna make a new rule. Whenever I'm in here, and you hear me typing, or whether you don't hear me typing or whatever the fuck you hear me doing in here, when I'm in here that means that I'm working. That means don't come in. Do you think you can handle that?

Wendy: Yeah.

Jack: Fine. Why don't you start right now and get the fuck out of here?

Wendy: Ok.

Noodle-less lasagna

2011-10-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

All you really need to know about this dish is the following:

My husband hates zucchini. This dish uses zucchini instead of noodles. And my husband loves this dish.

I could not have been more surprised. But if you make this and taste it, you will totally get it. It doesn't taste like you're using zucchini instead of noodles. It tastes like a really delicious lasagna. And it has the benefit of being lower-calorie than regular lasagna, because you're not using pasta and there's less cheese in it; and it's also gluten-free. Just add this to my hallelujah-I'm-so-happy-my-husband-likes-this repertoire.

Now, shhhhhhh. Nobody tell my husband this recipe title has the word "lamb" in it. He loves lamb and I do not, so I used beef instead. Still uber delicious. This is an Everyday Food recipe (shocking, I know), and you can't tell from the picture but each serving only has 316 calories (!!!!!!). Add a side salad and you have yourself a downright healthy meal.

Ingredients! Olive oil, zucchini, onion, garlic, ground beef, tomato paste, tomatoes, oregano, ricotta, and parmesan.

Word to the wise: I think you can use one fewer zucchini than this recipe calls for, unless you've got midget zucchini. Also, I think this recipe takes a bit longer than is indicated -- I'd give yourself an hour and twenty minutes to put this together, especially if you're drinking wine while you're making it.

You don't use mozzarella in this recipe, and it turns out fabulous in spite of that. It's moist and wonderful. The flavors meld together in such a way that my husband remarked that this would be a good way to get a kid who doesn't like vegetables to eat some vegetables. Because it doesn't taste like vegetables, good sir.

I am so going to make this over and over again this fall and winter. It definitely falls into the category of comfort meals.

Once again, since this recipe is from the October issue, it's not on the web site yet, so I'll just type it in below ... happy eating!

Zucchini, Tomato, and Lamb Lasagna
serves 6 at 316 calories per serving. Word to the wise: my husband and I each ate two servings. Oops.

Ingredients

- 2 teaspoons extra virgin olive oil, plus more for baking sheets
- 5 medium zucchini, cut lengthwise into 1/4 inch slices (I found I needed only 4)
- coarse salt and ground pepper
- 1 yellow onion, diced small
- 2 garlic cloves (recipe didn't say what to do with these but I sliced them)
- 1 1/4 pounds ground lamb or beef
- 1 tablespoon tomato paste
- 2 large tomatoes, diced large
- 1/4 cup fresh oregano leaves
- 10 ounces part-skim ricotta (1 cup)
- 1/2 ounce Parmesan, grated (2 tablespoons)

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Brush two rimmed baking sheets with oil. Divide zucchini between sheets; arrange in a single layer, turning once to coat. Season with salt and pepper; roast until softened, 15 minutes.

2. Meanwhile, in a large skillet, heat oil over medium-high. Add onion and cook until softened, 8 minutes. Add garlic and cook until fragrant, 30 seconds. Add lamb and cook, breaking up meat with a spoon until browned, 6 minutes. With a slotted spoon, transfer lamb to paper towels to drain and pour off fat from skillet. Return lamb to skillet; add tomato paste, tomatoes, and oregano. Stir to combine. Cook until tomato liquid is almost evaporated, 10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.

3. Reduce oven to 400 degrees. Spoon half the lamb mixture into an 8 inch square baking dish. Top with half the zucchini slices, overlapping to fit. Repeat layering with remaining lamb mixture and zucchini. Spread ricotta over top; sprinkle with Parmesan. Bake until sauce is bubbling and cheese is browned in spots, 20 to 30 minutes. Let cool 10 minutes before serving.

The Commissioner

2011-10-06T15:55:00.000-07:00

So I would write a long, drooling, ecstatic, fawning post about how my husband was the officiant at our good friends' wedding on Saturday, but I won't. He likes to be anonymous in the blogosphere; I therefore never type his name or post his photo here.

So I will just tell you this very short story about how, 10 minutes before we were supposed to leave for the wedding, my husband's brand new pants broke. Not the whole pants -- just two of the back belt loops. This made blood run out of my eyeballs and steam blow out of my butt. I bet you thought I would say "ears."

I vow that the employees at the Schmens Schwearhouse shall pay. Oh, they shall pay.

I had to sew those mothertruckers back together so that The Commissioner could wear his new suit. And I had only the wrong colors of thread, not to mention a real and frightening lack of know-how when it comes to sewing anything onto anything. The Commissioner would probably have been better off if I'd decided to use a stapler.

In any case, I got those bastards sewn on, and we got to the wedding and when The Commissioner officiated that shit, everyone fell on their faces because they couldn't believe how freaking awesome it was. And The Commissioner smiled beatifically and waved like the pope and dropped his mic like Chris Rock. Just kidding -- there was no mic.

And then he danced in his broken pants. Sober. And the pants held together. He is my hero. I pretty much love that guy.

Crazy Cat People

2011-10-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

It's time for the second installment of Crazy Cat People!

You remember last week's cat flag?

So, this week let's look at the additional available cat flags.

It's Leprechaun Cat with his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!!

It's Uncle Sam Cat against a patriotic background of American flags and fireworks!! (There's last week's grumpy Santa Cat to the left of Uncle Sam Cat)

Just in time for Fall -- it's Pilgrim Cat hanging out with some gourds!!

Tempting, cat-crap purveyors. Verrrry tempting.

It follows the directions on the package or else it gets the hose again

2011-10-04T10:27:00.000-07:00

This post could alternately be titled "Chicken with Parmesan Grits and Tomatoes."

But considering the grits-splosion that occurred in my kitchen last night, I really prefer the original title.

See, there are times in our lives when we have to ask ourselves one question. That question is: Am I going to do what I am told? Or am I going to do what I know is right?

Never is the answer to that question more important than when you are talking about grits.

I submit the following evidence:

I'm sorry you had to see that.

Now let's get down to business.

As you may have surmised, last night I made chicken with parmesan grits and tomatoes. It was really, really good. My husband loved it; he is pretty much the litmus test for whether or not a given recipe is going to be blogworthy.

It was an Everyday Food recipe in the October 2011 issue, on the "Cooking For One" page. I doubled it (math!). Unsurprisingly, the recipe's not on their web site yet, so I'll put it at the bottom of this post.

Here are your ingredients!

Grape tomatoes, grits, onion, garlic, parmesan, parsley, and boneless chicken thighs.

This is a simple recipe. You brown yer chicken, then you cook yer tomatoes and onions and garlic. And then .... and then ....

This is important, now. The recipe calls for instant grits. If you have, indeed, purchased instant grits, may I suggest you follow the directions on the package rather than cooking the instant grits for SEVEN MINUTES? See, cooking instant grits for SEVEN MINUTES defies the very instantitude of the instant grits. What I would do in this situation (and which I did after cooking the instant grits for SEVEN MINUTES) is to make the instant grits according to the directions on the package, and then throw in the parmesan and olive oil and salt and pepper. It turns out delicious! But that's just a suggestion.

Then what you do once your grits are done is you slap them on a plate, place the chicken on top of that, place the veggies on top of that, and then sprinkle on some parsley. Voila!

This was really fancy-looking and delicious. The onions had crunched up a little bit in the pan and all the flavors complemented each other so well. I highly recommend this!

Chicken with Parmesan Grits and Tomatoes

Makes 1 serving. Double or quadruple or whatever for your own purposes.

Ingredients:
- 1 large boneless, skin-on chicken thigh (5 ounces) (FYI I used skinless. Sue me)
- coarse salt and ground pepper
- 2 1/2 teaspoons extra virgin olive oil
- 1/2 cup grape tomatoes
- 1/4 medium yellow onion, thinly sliced
- 1 garlic clove, thinly sliced
- 1/4 cup instant grits
- 1/2 ounce parmesan, finely grated (2 tablespoons)
- roughly chopped fresh parsley

Directions:

Heat a medium skillet over medium-high. Season chicken with salt and pepper. Add chicken to skillet, skin side down, and cook, turning occasionally, until browned and cooked through, about 15 minutes (reduce heat if chicken browns too quickly). Transfer to a plate and tent with foil. In skillet, heat 2 teaspoons oil over medium and add tomatoes, onion, and garlic. Cook until tomatoes are softened and onion is tender, 5 minutes. (WARNING! WARNING! THIS NEXT PART PERTAINS TO GRITS!) Meanwhile, in a small pot, bring 1 cup water to boil. Stir in grits and a pinch of salt; cover, reduce heat to low, and cook until water is absorbed, about 7 minutes (OR YOU COULD JUST FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS ON THE PACKAGE AND REDUCE YOUR MURDEROUS RAGE!). Stir in parmesan and 1/2 teaspoon oil; season with salt and pepper. To serve, top grits with chicken and vegetables and sprinkle with parsley.

564 calories per serving.

Enjoy!

The final quarter

2011-10-03T09:45:00.000-07:00

I guess one way of looking at the year is in quarters. Each quarter would have three months and if life were a corporation, you would have to evaluate your budget at the end of each quarter and tweak your strategy so you could accomplish all the goals you'd planned at the beginning of the year.

My New Year's resolution list is around here somewhere. I'm afraid to pull it out and look at it, frankly. I already know I've dropped the ball on too many projects.

With three months left in the year, I feel a renewed sense of urgency and desire to get things done. I have three major projects in mind. I don't want to tell you what they are because I don't want to curse it -- kind of like how you aren't supposed to say what you wished when you're blowing out your birthday candles. Let's just say they pertain to my "job," my health, and my home.

You know me. If I get these things done, I'll be blogging about them.

What about you? Do you sense the end of the year looming? Have you accomplished what you set out to do?

Crazy Cat People

2011-09-28T10:17:00.000-07:00

So today I'm starting a new feature of sorts that I hope will be weekly, because I find the topic hilarious. I plan to call it Crazy Cat People, and what it will basically be is a photo of something pertaining to cats that I have received in the mail recently.

The story goes like this. As you may know, my husband and I are kind of already crazy cat people. We love cats and we have two of them; brothers named Simon and Murray. We use a certain type of cat litter that lets you earn points toward a variety of cat-related products. You can get more litter, or cat toys, or -- as we opted to do recently -- a subscription to a cat magazine. Yes, I realize we have entered a whole new realm of cat-related insanity.

But the point is that after we signed up for the cat magazine, we suddenly began receiving the most hilarious things in the mail. It's mostly catalogs for cat-related products, but not just any cat-related products. These are things you have never seen unless you are close, personal friends with a seriously insane cat lady.

For example: Over the weekend we received a brochure for a Christmas tree statue that lights up and has kittens all over it. It was kitschy for sure, and, being the insane cat lady I am I actually considered maybe ordering the thing. Until I saw that it was $150 (!!!). See, these companies shilling this crap know that crazy cat people will pay almost any price for adorable, useless crap as long as there is a picture of a cat on it. Thankfully, I have not completely descended into madness quite yet.

On to the feature of the day!

I received this in the mail yesterday and let me tell you ... every time I look at it, I laugh my ass off. I think I need to put it on the fridge just for shits and giggles.

It took me three tries to take a clear picture because I was laughing so hard. I'm not even sure why this makes me so hysterical. I think it's a combination of things. Firstly -- the pissed-off looking cat in the Santa suit. Secondly, the fact that this is a CAT FLAG. Like, you can fly this cat flag somewhere, presumably out in your front yard somewhere? Thirdly, they are threatening to give your beautiful cat flag to another collector if you don't claim it within 10 days. Nooooooooooooooooo!

And, you guys? I opened the envelope, and they have CAT FLAGS FOR EVERY HOLIDAY. The funniest one has to be St. Patrick's Day cat. I'll save that little treasure for another week.

(Hecka) pork fried (brown) rice

2011-09-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

In one sense, not being pregnant any more is a relief in that I can now eat a variety of things and almost none of it makes me want to barf! Win!

I've been taking full advantage of this. Previously all I wanted to eat was bread and slurpees. It is now safe to return to vegetables, meat, and a variety of seasonings. Before, even if I thought something sounded like a good idea for a meal, as soon as I would eat it, I'd decide I never wanted to eat that thing again in my entire life. I still feel that way about a few meals I made while pregnant. Shoot.

In any case, may I present pork fried rice?

Ta-da!!

You may be thinking to yourself: I see a lot of pork, and not a lot of rice. You would be right, my friend. That is because this recipe calls for half a pound of pork and I used a whole pound. I did this because I don't know what the hell to do with a leftover half pound of pork.

Don't be like me. Be smart! Either use half a pound of pork or -- *gasp* -- double the recipe! It makes great leftovers.

This is an Everyday Food recipe, and the "sell" on this meal is that it's fast and cheap. Which is true, laddies. (I'm on an Irish accent kick. We recently finished the previous season of Sons of Anarchy, half of which takes place in Belfast. And now there's an Irish dancer on Dancing with the Stars this season. He's not good looking at all. Nope! Ahem.)

Here are your ingredients, minus your two main ingredients (rice and pork)!

That would be shredded carrots, lightly beaten eggs, minced garlic, minced ginger, soy sauce, rice vinegar, frozen peas, and scallions with the white parts and green parts separated and thinly sliced. Or impatiently sliced. Whatever floats your boat.

The instructions are easy as pie. Cook up the egg first, then take it out. Then throw the rest of everything else in a pan and cook it all up, then throw the egg back in and finally serve it up with sliced green scallions. It's lovely. It's delicious. It's de-lovely and delicious.

Now, another thing I did -- I used brown rice instead of white rice. I don't care what kind of rice you use, and neither does Martha Stewart. Just cook 'er up and eat 'er, lass!

Click here for the recipe!

Project: The Green Wall

2011-09-26T11:17:00.000-07:00

There is exactly one person who loves the bright green wall in my living room. Her name is Erin, and she is me. I am her. She is I? I am she?

The story goes: I have a compulsion to paint things green. I chose an olive green color for the exterior of the house, and decided not to stop there. I chose a color from Kelly Moore called "green apple," picked an accent wall in my living room, and there is where the green has been for nigh on a year now.

Most friends who see the green wall ask something like: "Did you do this on purpose?"

Oh, yes, my friends. I did. I actually love it more every day. It's so Dr. Seuss. It's so bright and insane. I hope the neighbors see it through the front window and shake their heads.

Unfortunately, I am not domestic. My decorating skills are subpar, to say the least. It may have more than a little to do with procrastination and/or laziness, combined with a sincere lack of knowledge when it comes to knowing how to make stuff look good.

So what I had for a long time was a green wall. With a couple of weird things on it that were totally not cohesive and didn't make any sense. But that has all changed, my friends.

Now for starters, let us look at the before picture.

There is the green wall. Shown on the wall are a painting by my mother-in-law, and a mirror I found on sale at Cost Plus. In front of the green wall: a vintage record player with lamp and vintage glass tchotchke thingies, plus vintage coffee table. Both of these pieces are from my grandmother-in-law's home, and the lamp was a wedding gift five years ago from Crate and Barrel. Sorry for the weird photo quality, plus the end of Simon's tail in the bottom right hand corner of the photo.

It seems obvious that a person who is either lacking brain cells or is supremely lazy threw together what you are seeing in the photo above. It may be that both of those are true.

In any case, as I've mentioned, I am hell bent on starting and/or finishing a variety of projects these days, and the green wall was fairly high on the priority list. As it happened, my parents were moving and they offered to give me their piano since they won't have room for it in their new place. I accepted and last week hired a piano mover to go get it and bring it to the house.

Then on Friday I spent an inordinate amount of time hanging photos on the green wall. Let me tell you -- I think it took me three hours to do this. It involved a lot of measuring, leveling, hanging, and re-hanging when I realized my measurements were off. Good Lord. No wonder my lazy ass hadn't done this earlier.

In any case, here is the finished product. The lamp is too large and I'll be replacing it with something smaller, but other than that I am more than happy with the finished product. I even bought some useless decorative balls to put in a glass bowl! That is how dedicated I was to making this look like a properly decorated wall.

Tell me that is not a thing of beauty. Oh, shut up.

One thing went right

2011-09-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

Today, just a brief update.

Things went well yesterday. The ultrasound showed I'd had a complete miscarriage and there would be no need for a D&C. My relief about this is huge.

The rash I have, though? Is not pupps rash, according to the doctor. Apparently pupps rash never appears in the first trimester. It's just a massive coincidence that it looks like pupps rash and appeared 10 hours after the miscarriage.

What it may have been caused by is an organic bath soap I'd used two times. Since the rash appeared I switched to a hypoallergenic soap. It shows no signs of abating, so today I'm washing all towels, clothes, sheets ... anything my body comes into contact with that might have some sort of allergen on it.

Meanwhile, I have a few minor projects I'm working on today. More on those tomorrow...

Ice cream

2011-09-21T10:29:00.000-07:00

I've been on this kick, where I think I'm good to go. That I can go out in public like a regular human and do normal things without any problems.

And this worked initially. I went to the bank. I went to the post office. I went to the office supply store and the pet food store and the dry cleaner.

And then I went to the grocery store. Which any reasonable person knows is pretty much a minefield of mommies and babies. Except I'd either forgotten that or blocked it or something. And then there was this mommy, and her very cute chubby baby, and the mommy was staring adoringly at her baby and I had to remind myself to breathe in, then out, then in again.

And then I bought chocolate ice cream. And got a roll of toilet paper out of the trunk of my car -- tissue is tissue -- and spent a moment collecting myself before I drove back home. Part of me thinks this is an overreaction, although it was involuntary. I was nowhere near to even having the baby. It's not like I birthed a stillborn child or something; I had a good seven months to go. Part of me is fucking pissed. Part of me is exhausted. Part of me wants to punch my own face. All of me is tired of thinking about it and talking about it.

I'm not back to normal. That is becoming painfully obvious. I've seen this in friends, too. Strong women who have miscarried and said I'm really fine, actually. And then they realized later that they weren't fine, aren't fine.

Today I have a post up at Tired & Stuck. It's about the miscarriage. It's not for the faint of heart and contains unpleasant details. But I think it was important to put out there so there's something honest for women to read about this experience.

I'll move past this, I swear I will. Not today and probably not this week, but it's like any other loss; so acute in the beginning and then after time a dull ache.

Pupps Rash! jazz hands

2011-09-20T10:48:00.000-07:00

Well this doesn't seem quite fair, but I've got a rash alllllll over my body.

It's called PUPPS RASH! You don't have to capitalize it, but I thought I would for shits and giggles, a la Dooce.

Guess who gets pupps rash?! Pregnant ladies! It often appears shortly after labor.

Oh, you guys.

So I basically got to have a mini-labor for two days (more on that tomorrow) and an itchy, hivey rash, but without any of the benefits that usually accompany the aforementioned shit-tastic things.

Eff you, pupps rash. Eff you very much.

ANYWAY.

Let's not dwell on that shit storm.

Let's move along to more positive things.

Yesterday I bought a planner and an egg timer. I spent hours writing lists of things I should do every day, every week, every month. I thought of every minor and major project I'm trying to complete and wrote action plans. Getting all of that information out of my head and onto paper felt really cleansing. I feel like I have a plan, which is good.

My plan is ambitious and not for the weary, lazy, or procrastinating. It won't be easy, because I am often weary, lazy, and procrastinating.

But I have faith that in the next three months, a lot of major (and minor) projects are going to get finished. I've had enough of sitting on my hands. It's boring and maddening and dumb.

There will be more coming up on my projects, very soon. Til then, *itch, scratch, ouch, jazz hands*

New Day

2011-09-19T09:40:00.000-07:00

The miscarriage happened conveniently over the weekend -- convenient because my husband was with me. We'd been worried it might start in the middle of the afternoon during the week and I'd have to call him and he'd drive like a madman to get to me.

It was a teensy bit inconvenient in that it started at 3 a.m. Sunday and ended(ish) at 6 a.m. but thankfully we didn't have any commitments and slept until noon after that.

I'm waiting until Wednesday to get into the nitty gritty details of the miscarriage itself, so I can post it to Tired & Stuck, which I'll of course link to here. Lots of you may not want to know those things, anyway, so all I'll say for now about it is that as much as I understood what was going to happen, I was physically and mentally unprepared for how it felt.

And I will say that now that it's over, I feel physically a lot better, albeit a little worn out. Mentally/emotionally there's a lot of relief.

And I feel like starting today, I have a chance for a fresh start. Not to have a baby -- that's something I still have faith will happen at some point, but not soon. It's more that I feel I have a second chance to prove to myself that I'm not a slacker, and can make things happen in my life.

Anyone can make amazing things happen in their life if they work hard enough. I believe I really hadn't been putting forth enough effort in many areas of my life. I can hardly expect to be rewarded for what amounts to being a really impressive procrastinator.

So this is where I'm at mentally, today. It's a much better place than I was last week, when the lawns were dying. Well, the lawns are still dying, but I'm putting that on my list of things to stop procrastinating about.

I'm drafting my action plan with paper and pen; listing problem areas and the baby steps that are necessary to kill those problems. I imagine there will be many more posts about these issues and their resolutions in the very near future.

And now, as a woman I follow on Twitter wrote this morning: "New day, new day, new day. Got that, universe? New day."

Looking

2011-09-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

I stopped watering the plants last Thursday. The list of things I gave a shit about had grown very small, and the front and back yards unfortunately didn't make the cut.

That's not too long to have neglected one's yard, really. One week. Some people go on vacation for a week and no one waters their yard and it's not a big deal. Some people have automatic sprinklers. We are not those people. I am the automatic sprinkler. The manual sprinkler?

Such has been the way of things here for one week. I managed to do one load of laundry. I did make it to the grocery store on Monday. Monday was the day I said: All you have to do is one thing at a time. Now you will brush your teeth. Now you will get in the car. Unfortunately once I was at the grocery store, I neglected to buy about half the things I needed, even though they were on my list. I'd stared at the list for a long time, sure I'd gotten everything, but come to find out ... not so much.

This has also been the way of things. I'm looking for something, looking for something, looking for something. I know it's exactly where it always is but I already looked there three times and it wasn't there and then, finally, when I've looked everywhere, I find it exactly where I'd already looked three times. This is actually a little frightening, when it happens repeatedly.

I stopped taking my prenatals because they didn't make the list of things I give a shit about this week. I didn't care about the dishes, either, so I didn't do those for a few days, but then finally they started stinking too much and I begrudgingly washed them.

What I really wanted to do was drink lots of coffee and beer. Unfortunately, both turn my stomach. My body still thinks it's kind of pregnant and doesn't want that stuff. It was pretty good with martinis last weekend, though.

I think it might happen today. Or tonight. I thought -- maybe if I do something active, that will get things moving. So I scrubbed the shower. The shower was not on the list of things I give a shit about, and it still isn't, but if you had seen it beforehand, well... The shower needed scrubbing.

After that I was fucking tired. It doesn't take much right now, which also worries me. Emailing is mentally exhausting. There are a few people I need to email after I write this. Anyway, I was worn out, so I took a nap, and when I woke up, I was bleeding. This was a good sign.

This morning I felt very ill and worried I wouldn't be able to eat anything in case I needed to take pain pills during what I've started calling "the big show," or "the big party." So I spoke to myself. Look. I know you've got to do what you've got to do. I'm not going to stop that from happening. But you've got to lay off the nausea, dude. This can get done without nausea.

I watered some of the plants last night. I watered the back lawn. Not the front, yet. The back was worse. The spray nozzle had broken and wouldn't turn off so I just sprayed and sprayed and sprayed. I sprayed the dirt patches in the lawn and stared at the rainbows that sparkled in the mist when the sun hit it just right. There are still beautiful things.

This morning was cold and I stared out the back window and the lawn looks the same, just wet.

Holding pattern

2011-09-15T10:46:00.000-07:00

One time many moons ago I was on a flight to Fort Myers, Florida, and the whole state was basically socked in with fog. It really doesn't matter what time of year you go to Florida. If you're flying in at night, there's going to be fog, because the whole state is just a big swamp. Humans got cocky and paved over some of it, but they never should have done that. Florida is an awful place that makes people do crazy things, and I blame the evil humours that rise out of the swamps.

We were stuck circling for about an hour. Looking out the window, I could see dozens of other airplanes circling, too, and the ground was just a white cloud. We were eventually diverted to Fort Lauderdale and bused in to Fort Myers over Alligator Alley. The same night an enormous pileup killed several people on that same road because THE FOG, people.

Florida doesn't have jack shit to do with what I'm trying to get at here. I just wanted to make the point that I'm stuck in a holding pattern, dudes. I guess it's of my own making. I elected to have a natural miscarriage. It's just that the dead embryo inside me shows no sign of wanting to get the hell out. I decided I'll give it another week before I forcibly evict it.

But what this means is that the hermit in me -- and I'm really about 70% hermit -- gets to be super-hermity and stay home and wait for this shiz to happen. I'm not going anywhere. No, I am not going to your party. No, I don't wanna hang out with you. Yes, I'd like to stay in, eat ice cream, have diarrhea, and wait.

I considered making a miscarriage kit and taking a picture of it and posting it to the blog but then I decided that was too morbid. The kit was going to include my iPhone and earphones so I can listen to music while this crap goes down. Also: Vicodin, a comfortable shirt-dress, ice cream, tissue, my kindle, and maybe a voodoo doll dressed up like my doctor. I would probably be the only one who would think it was a little funny though.

So I guess I won't make a miscarriage kit, OK? I'll just do what I've been doing and sit around, waiting. Maybe I'll google some more ways to naturally induce labor. There are some annoying pressure points on your feet that are supposed to do the trick but so far they haven't been worth shit. I've been eating lots of spicy food and ... nothing. Other than the aforementioned diarrhea. There's a tea -- red raspberry leaf tea -- that is supposed to help. Ironically this tea is supposed to also help you get pregnant, which would explain why I'm well-stocked with the nasty-tasting stuff.

The airplane -- the one stuck in the holding pattern -- was not full. I was flying from Philadelphia. There were mostly elderly people on the plane and I'd had a glass of wine that was rapidly wearing off. I felt a little insane. I hate flying. I hate being stuck in a place where I feel helpless. This feels the same; the dread, the waiting. Eventually we'll land. I just hope it's not foggy when I get there.

I did not see this coming

2011-09-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

I've gone dark here on the interwebs on and off for the last couple weeks, and today I'm ready to explain what's going on.

I'm going through a miscarriage. That's the short explanation. The long explanation is over at Tired & Stuck, with all the dirty details.

So dudes. This has not been easy/pleasant/awesome. But at least now that it's out there I can do what I normally do and just be myself on this blog. Which is to say: I might be a little insane/depressed/ragey here for a week or two.

But you'll understand. You always do.

A really lovely sauce

2011-09-07T10:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes Bon Appetit is way too schmancy for me. I mean, I'm simply not going to purchase sheep's milk ricotta or chervil leaves. I'm not sure the grocery store I go to even carries Meyer lemons and I don't know the difference between a regular anchovy and the alici di menaica variety of anchovies.

But this magazine knows what it's doing; this much is clear judging by the few Bon Appetit recipes I've tried. So when I stumbled across a recipe called "Basic Tomato Sauce," I was like: Yes. I can do this.

Here is what is so fabulous about this recipe. The ingredients are: a carrot, four garlic cloves, fresh thyme, an onion, olive oil, canned peeled plum tomatoes, and salt and pepper. So simple.

Bon Appetit prefers San Marzano tomatoes. They're undoubtedly more expensive. These were something like $3.69 a can at Whole Foods, but if you think about it, the meal still ends up being dirt cheap, especially considering that sauce is enough for more than a pound of pasta.

Here I've got olive oil, onions, garlic, carrot, and thyme sauteing in the pan. I took a photo of this stage because a heavenly smell wafts up from the dish at this point.

Sidenote: Can I just say how much I love my new stainless steel pots and pans? I got a 10-piece set on sale for $99. It's not available any more, otherwise I'd link to it. Anyway, if you're cooking on nonstick pans and haven't switched over yet, consider it! It's a whole other world. Plus you won't be poisoning yourself with nonstick chemicals anymore! One tip: cook on lower heat with stainless steel pans to prevent food from sticking. This has been your public service announcement for the day.

Here's the end product. A basic tomato sauce, over spaghetti noodles, with a little parmesan on top. The recipe calls for the use of a food mill (ha!) to break the sauce down from chunky to saucy. I stuck an immersion blender in the pan when it was done cooking, and it turned out completely fabulous. You can also use a food processor, or probably a blender if you're a real rebel like that.

This sauce is just so flavorful yet simple. My husband loved it. His usual gripe with spaghetti sauce is that it's too heavy or acidic, and this is neither.

As usual, Bon Appetit has the recipe up on their site, which I love them for. It even includes nutritional information. Enjoy!

Let's talk about clothing

2011-09-06T10:52:00.000-07:00

So at some point before we were married, I accompanied my husband to a well known retail establishment so that he could purchase a suit. And what happened on that day was that no one listened to me about FLAT FRONT IS NOT OPTIONAL and THERE ARE COLORS OTHER THAN BLACK and so what my dear husband ended up in was a dark suit -- almost black -- with pants that were pleated in the front. The tailoring job was less than awesome so the overall effect was of a slightly ill-fitting suit with extra room in the pleated region so you could store apples and oranges or something.

And so as it has been nigh on six years since the purchase of said ugly suit and my husband lost a nice chunk of weight after he ditched gluten, it was time for a new suit. And so we returned to the aforementioned well-known retail establishment over the weekend to procure another suit because, as my husband reminded me, this particular retail establishment's motto is, "You're gonna like the way you look. Guaranteed." We're all about second chances, my husband and I.

And then! We discovered they were having a buy-1-get-1-free sale. Now, ladies. When, since the dawn of time, have you ever stumbled across a sale such as this when shopping for yourself? A sale that lets you purchase an entire expensive outfit and get another entire expensive outfit for free? Exactly never? That's what I thought. Chock it up to the same reason men get paid more, yet their haircuts cost less. Life ain't fair. I ain't ever gonna find a buy-1-get-1-free designer jeans sale. Buy-1-get-1-free Christian Louboutins. Shyeaaah.

So what I'm saying is we went to the retail establishment and I told our little helper guy, Kenny, that flat front was not optional. Flat front is a must. We are not 80 years old, kind sir. Not yet. And then I said I'd like a lighter gray suit, and Kenny found a lovely one. In addition to a black suit. And Kenny marked all the adjustments that needed to be made on the suits and a nice young woman helped us choose a couple of shirts and ties (ALSO BUY 1 GET 1 FREE. There is no justice in the world) and then Kenny went to eat a burrito and we went home.

The end.

Just kidding.

The moral of this story is that this particular establishment? Needs a female equivalent. I hate shopping for clothes. If I could go to a store where someone tells me what to wear and then makes all the tailoring adjustments for me? I'd totally, totally shop there. Imagine it, ladies. You need jeans. None of the jeans will fit you. So a nice fellow named Kenny finds you a pair of jeans to flatter your physique, and he finds you a lovely top and even a pair of shoes, and then everything that doesn't fit? He has tailored for you! And then he gives you an extra outfit for free!!

Oh, lord. If such things were possible, I could envision world peace.

What's going on

2011-09-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

- I've been walking in the mornings, listening to music as I go, always wearing exactly the same thing and never having showered. Walking in the mornings I get to see who works and who doesn't; what the mailman looks like; where all the dogs are pooping; where the tree roots are pushing up the sidewalks; who has a gardener and who doesn't.

- I'm taking a Search Engine Optimization class, online. So far it is uber boring. Not that I've done a lick of work.

- I tried a new burger place last night. It was good.

- I've been distracted lately and not feeling very bloggy. Sorry.

- Book 5 in the Game of Thrones series is much better than Book 4. Most nerds agree.

- My parents are moving into a senior living community and they're still in their 50s. I have mixed feelings.

- I've been on a burrito kick. I get a burrito and then I cut it in half and then I eat one half. And then I eat the other.

- There's a lot going on every weekend through Christmas, it feels like. That may be an exaggeration.

- Have I mentioned my niece is due to arrive in this world shortly after Christmas?

- I watched Winter's Bone last night. It was good, ya'll.

- I might be in the doldrums.

- I plan to eventually stop feeling sorry for myself and return to my regularly scheduled blog posting.

- I'm losing that weight loss competition I joined. Shockingly.

- Did you hear about that chick that punched a bear in the face to save her dog? That was cool.

- Automatic sprinklers might prevent the mass murder of plants that is happening around these parts.

- I could use a burrito right now.

The hostess with the mostess help

2011-08-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

Some time back, a friend announced her engagement and I excitedly offered to host her bridal shower. About 20 minutes later, I deeply regretted this decision, knowing that my hostess skills are disturbingly lacking.

Thankfully, my friend has a very take-charge, get-'er-done group of bridesmaids who literally handled every aspect of the bridal shower. I managed to stumble to the front door when they arrived Saturday morning to set up, and opening the door was essentially the extent of my involvement. Which was a very, very good thing.

Food! There was lots of food. Actually, the maid of honor informed me that she'd put all the leftovers in my fridge, as she literally ran from my house at the end of the shower. She's a lot faster than me, or things might have ended differently ...

A cute favor idea: Rosemary sea salt in little glass jars. The black and white paper star and flowers are decor brought by a bridesmaid, and the groom's sister brought these adorable photos of the bride and groom as kids.

The groom's sister, who's also a bridesmaid, put together a truly amazing dessert table.

Strawberry cakey things -- so delicious.

Wedding cake-shaped cake pops!

Isn't this a great idea for caprese salad? Just shove a bite of everything you need on a stick! I was told this is a Rachael Ray idea.

It was a wine and cheese party and all the cheeses had their own labels. The level of organization, you guys. It surpasses anything I could have done.

More tiny cakes...

This gift is the best bridal shower/wedding gift I HAVE EVER SEEN. It's an etsy find, found by our friend Christie. God, etsy is brilliant.

The theme of the wedding is "Eat, Drink, And Be Married."

It was a good party. The bridesmaids were like bridal shower ninjas. They set up and broke everything down and when everyone left all I had to do was run the dishwasher. I mean, seriously.

And actually, this experience was a good lesson for me. For starters, I need to ask for help when I need it. In this instance, I never asked, it simply arrived. But I have some sort of mental block when it comes to asking for help because ... I don't know, I want to kill myself putting on a party? Secondly, I need to be less Type A about my kitchen. Normally people in my kitchen opening and closing cupboards and finding things and doing stuff: Would make me bonkers. But Saturday I stood back and let it happen, and amazingly, it didn't make me bonkers. I was so glad people were in my kitchen finding things for themselves instead of me doing it for them. I truly was the laziest hostess. Ever.

D's famous baked BBQ beans

2011-08-23T12:47:00.000-07:00

We had our block part on Sunday. It's a neighborhood tradition that has carried on for an indeterminate amount of time, seeing as how no one rightly remembers when it began, nor does anyone care.

Starting about a month before the gathering, the organizer of said block party begins to send out terrorizing emails in an attempt to get everyone to agree upon a date when we can all get together and "enjoy each other's company" -- my phrase, purposely put in quotes, for reasons pertaining to sarcasm.

Once a date has been imposed upon the neighbors, said organizer then sends approximately 30 additional emails in an attempt to get everyone to tell him what dish they will be bringing to share. (Side note: One woman brought a dish she calls "More" -- "because everyone always wants more." As best I could tell it contained farfalle pasta, cheese, enchilada sauce and black olives. I did not want more of More. )

Early on I told the organizer I would bring beans and franks because I couldn't remember what my friend D calls his famous baked BBQ beans. The organizer hereafter referred to said BBQ beans as "beans and hot dogs." Which: Why he felt the need to paraphrase, I'm unsure. And: "beans and hot dogs" does not adequately describe the deliciousness that is D's famous BBQ beans.

To summarize, the block party is really just a time for me to gather as much gossip about my neighbors as possible. For instance, which neighbor gave a couch to another neighbor and then demanded that the neighbor then give the couch back. Or which neighbor is having their bathrooms redone, and which neighbor is retiring in two months, and which neighbor is in recovery. (Side note: At one point a few months ago, a certain neighbor told me that another neighbor had died. A few days later I saw that same "dead" neighbor driving down the street. Neighborhood gossip is not always completely reliable.)

Most importantly, the block party is a time to eat. I may not have wanted more of "More," but I did want more of my "beans and hot dogs."

And you will, too. Here's how you make 'em.

For starters, you chop up a red pepper, an onion, and some garlic, and you throw them in a large oven proof skillet with some olive oil.

Soon after I did this, I realized I would eventually have to transfer the whole thing to a large oven proof dutch oven because it wouldn't all fit in my skillet. Which worked out fine.

Once you've sauteed that junk for a while, you throw in some chunks of andouille sausage, or as my neighbor likes to call 'em: hot dogs.

These are some chicken andouille sausages I picked up at Whole Foods. I squeezed them out of their casings rather than try to chop them up with the casings being as disgusting and stretchy as they are.

Once your chunks of sausage have sauteed with the veggies for a few minutes you can throw in the rest of the ingredients, like balsamic vinegar and BBQ sauce. This OrganicVille tangy BBQ sauce is a really tasty gluten-free version.

Other ingredients include a can of chopped tomatoes, a small can of diced green chilies and two cans of cannellini beans. Now, when I was at the store, I saw the one can of cannellini beans, and the rest of the beans were called great northern beans or white beans, so I just grabbed a can of the great northern beans. I have no idea if they're the same as cannellini beans but I'm happy to report they taste about the same.

Here it all is mixed together in the pot I transferred everything to. I baked this mess for half an hour and then lugged it outside to the block party, where most of it got eaten up in a big hurry.

I liked it so much I had a little more later on that night.

Dee-lightful.

Here's the recipe!

D's Famous Baked BBQ Beans

Ingredients
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 medium red pepper, chopped
1 medium yellow onion, chopped
3 gloves garlic, chopped
4 links andouille sausage, chopped or squeezed into 1/2 inch pieces.
1 small can green chilies
2 15-ounce cans of cannellini beans, drained and rinsed
1 15-ounch can chopped tomatoes
1 cup your favorite BBQ sauce
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
1/4 cup brown sugar
salt and pepper to taste

Instructions

Preheat oven to 375.

Heat oil over medium in a large ovenproof skillet (or pot). Add onions, peppers and garlic and saute for 5 minutes. Add the sausage and saute 3 more minutes. Stir in tomatoes, green chilies, beans, barbecue sauce, balsamic vinegar, and brown sugar. Mix thoroughly. Place in oven and bake for 30 minutes. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Enjoy!

Zucchini, Banana, and Flaxseed Muffins

2011-08-18T12:19:00.000-07:00

So for starters let me just say these are not gluten free. I made them the other day and my husband came home and asked, "Can I eat these?" And I had to say no, since whenever he eats gluten his butt explodes.

And I felt a little guilty. Even though he generally does not like cakey foods. I'll make it up to him, I swear.

These darn things just looked so healthy in the September issue of Everyday Food, and I'm always on this deluded mission to eat healthier. I've been looking for a way to incorporate flax seeds into my diet for some time now, and I believe I have found a moist, delicious way to do it.

Here are the ingredients. One zucchini, one banana, one egg, baking powder, cinnamon, baking soda, vanilla, cooking spray, flaxseed meal, flour, and brown sugar. Not pictured: Salt and whole milk.

A couple of notes on the ingredients: I was supposed to use a "large" zucchini. I used a small zucchini and everything turned out fine. Also, the recipe calls for "ground flaxseed." I'm sure you could grind your own flaxseed but I bought some flaxseed meal instead, which is the same thing. The muffins were delicious, so: Win!

This is what ground flaxseed/flaxseed meal looks like. Very fiberrific. I bet it will make you poop like a champ.

Here's what the batter looked like in the muffin cups. Gooey.

And here's how they looked 20 minutes later: Delightful!

They sell these muffins as being low in fat, which they are until you smear a little butter on them. Then they're perfect!

Now as usual this recipe is not up on the Everyday Food site, so I'm posting it below. Enjoy!

Zucchini, Banana, and Flaxseed Muffins.
makes 12 muffins

Ingredients:

- nonstick cooking spray
- 1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour (spooned and leveled)
- 1/2 cup ground flaxseed
- 1 cup lightly packed light-brown sugar
- 2 teaspoons baking soda
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/2 teaspoon coarse salt
- 1 teaspoon ground cinammon
- 1 1/2 cups coarsely grated zucchini (from 1 large zucchini)
- 1/3 cup mashed ripe banana (from 1 large banana)
- 3/4 cup whole milk
- 1 large egg, lightly beaten
- 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly coat 12 standard muffin cups with cooking spray. In a large bowl, whisk together flour, flaxseed, brown sugar, baking soda, baking powder, salt, and cinammon. Add zucchini and banana and stir to combine. In a small bowl, whisk together milk, egg, and vanilla. Add milk mixture to flour mixture and stir until combined (do not overmix).

2. Divide batter among muffin cups. Bake until a toothpick inserted in center comes out clean, 20 to 25 minutes. Let muffins cool completely in pan on a wire rack, about 30 minutes. (Store in an airtight container up to 3 days)

per muffin: 183 calories; 2 g fat; 5 g protein; 38 g carbs; 3 g fiber

Deciding what you are and what to do about it

2011-08-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

So the deal is anyone can have a successful blog, if by successful we mean that they make a few thousand dollars each year off of it and they have a respectable number of followers.

The catch is that to make this happen, it's actually a lot of work. Without getting into all the details of what is required of a person to make this happen, let's just agree that it would be the equivalent of a full time job. This is something I sort of knew before I went to BlogHer, and then completely understood as a truth once I returned.

And since then I've been thinking: Do I even want to try to do that? Would it be enjoyable? Would it detract too much from other things I ought to be doing instead?

The answers: I dunno. Maybe. Probably.

I decided to test the waters with a fairly unreliable tool -- Klout -- and find out what my "influence score" is, and also what topics I am influential in. Klout tells me I have an influence score of 45. This is a lower score than the scores held by most of the people I am supposedly an "influencer of."

The topics I am purportedly influential in, from greatest to least are: Bacon, china, coffee, alcohol, and high school. So basically I am influential in food, stimulants, downers, things you can put your food, stimulants, and downers in, and high school.

According to Klout. Which may as well be a baby monkey with a stack of flashcards.

If I were going to guess at what topics I am actually influential about, I'd say: Vaginas, food, diets, cats, and alcohol. I could be wrong.

In any case, Klout and the rest of the Internet are basically telling me not to quit my day job, which is: Writing a book. And luckily for me, there was a session at BlogHer on how to pitch a book.

The room was jam-packed, as I expected it would be. Lots of people, including me, fancy themselves writers/novelists/authors. Unfortunately, the panelists left a bad taste in my mouth. The overarching message seemed to be: You may believe you are a writer/novelist/author, but you will never be successful at it, and in all likelihood are not as clever as those of us sitting on this panel and therefore are highly unlikely to ever be published. Go drink yourself silly and go back to banking or mid-level management or whatever it was you were doing before.

I'm admittedly a little sensitive when it comes to receiving "wisdom" from writerly types because for my entire journalistic career, 90 percent of the editors I worked for (I worked for about 15) were complete shitheads who wanted you to believe you were scum. You were less than scum. You couldn't write. You'd never be a good writer. Why did you ever decide to be a writer in the first place?

Their attitudes were not altogether surprising following years of professors emphasizing the dead-endedness of a journalistic career. They warned us the editors would be dickfaces. They warned us we'd never make any money. They told us it wasn't all glamor and accolades. And we didn't give a shit. Each of us had our own reasons for continuing headlong into the spiral of insanity that is journalism, but in the end we all did it, and now that the dust has settled I can point to a select few former college classmates who are still in the profession, and most of them are basically bonkers.

Anyway. Tangent much?!

The moral of this long-winded story is that lots of writers are assholes and they're not looking out for your best interest, and there is no wrong or right way to be a writer or maintain a blog or publish a novel. In my book, if you write, you are a writer. If you blog, you are a blogger. Whether you succeed at either of those is half mental and half physical. This is a successful blog because I write here most days of the week and a few people read what I write. But it doesn't make money. I have almost successfully completed a book, which will be a huge fucking deal when it finally happens. Being published traditionally would be the icing on the cake but isn't going to be the end-all, be-all for me.

BlogHer was inspiring and made me want to tackle search engine optimization and other shit I don't know anything about, but for now I'm going to keep my day job and keep plugging away at this book.

The annual and ever-growing birthday list

2011-08-15T11:03:00.000-07:00

So it was a busy weekend. My husband took a couple days off for his birthday (ALWAYS TAKE YOUR BIRTHDAY OFF because I said so and if you don't you will be sad and want to cry) and there were a number of gatherings of people and gifts given and cake eaten and somehow after all that I am down half a pound, so I dutifully submitted the photo of my weight to Natalie, the woman I've never met and continue to hope never to meet because, hello, she has photos of my weight. (Natalie is the Head Bitch in Charge of the Biggest Loser weight loss challenge I stupidly joined a couple weeks ago. There goes another twenty bucks!)

That reminds me -- there's a preview of the new Beavis & Butt-head TV show coming out. And so Beavis and Butt-head are watching Jersey Shore and Snooki's saying, "Yeah, I'm a whore, hello," and Butt-head goes, "Huh huh, that's how she answers the phone." It tickled my funny bone.

Speaking of funny things -- I got my husband this card for his birthday that has a picture of redwood trees on it and the front says something like, "Birthdays always remind me of redwood trees and how majestic and ancient and awesome they are." And the inside says "Thank you for planting them." You may not find this super-hilarious, but I tell ya, when I saw that in the store I about died laughing. Phew! You had to be there.

So I do this thing every year for my husband's birthday, where I list off things about him that I love. The list grows each year because each year he gets older. And sometimes there are repeats in the lists from year to year. I'm only human! I did this to myself and there's no turning back now. So if you do not enjoy gushing lists from wives to their husbands, I advise you to leave now and return tomorrow, when I'll probably have returned to my regular snarkiness.

Darling, this year you are 35. I met you when you were 20. Please stop having birthdays, and also, please stop getting better looking because you're doing this thing where you get better looking and I get uglier and I cannot abide that kind of madness and also, I don't think I have the balls to get plastic surgery. Ok? Ok.

I love ...

35. That you thought my vlog was cute.

34. That you keep trying to hold Simon like a baby even though he hates it.

33. When you cuddle with me in the morning.

32. When you talk to my vagina and tell it to stop killing your sperms.

31. When you get aggro on the ne'er-do-wells in the neighborhood.

30. When you grill meat.

29. When you make my mom laugh.

28. That you are content with the level of cleanliness, or lack thereof, in our house.

27. When you take me to the movies.

26. That your first order of business on any given day, regardless of the day of the week, is to shower.

25. When you talk shit about the mailman.

24. That no one truly understands what you do for a living.

23. That you are my sugar daddy.

22. That you support my writerly goals.

21. How sweet you were when I returned from BlogHer.

20. When you wear your new weird shoes.

19. That you love my cooking, 98 percent of the time.

18. That you are an obsessive lock-checker.

17. When you fill my car up with gas.

16. When you vacuum the family room.

15. The way your soap smells.

14. When you look like a bearded mountain man.

13. How you love a cold bed.

12. Drinking wine with you.

11. When you hold my hand.

10. When you laugh at my jokes.

9. That you are the go-to guy for computer problems for the entire family.

8. That you love riding your bike.

7. That you love music.

6. That I love so many things about you that this list isn't hard to write.

5. Traveling with you.

4. When you mimic babies crying.

3. When you mimic old ladies.

2. When you stand behind me and kiss my neck.

1. That you really, really want to have kids with me.

Parties

2011-08-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

If you let it, BlogHer will fill your every waking hour with sessions, meals, and parties.

We let it.

Here are some photos from the parties. These are just the standard BlogHer parties -- we didn't have invites to other sponsored parties, which was just fine. And -- I don't have photos from Thursday night's parties, which seemed much, much tamer than the following nights.

Bad-ass cake at Sparklecorn.

Sparklecorn.

Ladies on the stage at Sparklecorn.

Ladies dancing at Sparklecorn.

I <3 Big Butts at Aiming Low.

Social fiesta on a rooftop.

Flan at social fiesta.

DJ at Social Fiesta.

Social Fiesta redness.

Christina and I traveling via elevator between Aiming Low and Social Fiesta.

Another amazing cake! At Aiming Low.

Stuffed peen at Aiming Low.

A bed at CheeseburgHer. I think the implication is that by now you are so exhausted you want to lie in bed and eat cheeseburgers. Which is about right.

The craft table at CheeseburgHer. People were crafting some very interesting hats out of McDonalds bags.

Photo booth at CheeseburgHer. I'm not sure who these ladies are.

Phew! I'm tired just looking at these ...

Later today I may have a post on some of the amazing speakers we heard ... Toodles for now!

An infertile goes to BlogHer

2011-08-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

Today you should really go read my post at Tired & Stuck.

I'm still blogging about BlogHer, but this time it's from the perspective of an infertile, and includes some information and photos of Giuliana Rancic. She's one of my infertility idols and just happened to be manning the Tropicana booth one morning ...

Bloggers IRL

2011-08-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

Here's what I was expecting when it came to meeting bloggers at BlogHer:

1) They would be huge introverts and socially awkward, like me.

2) They would look slightly less attractive than their avatars, like me.

3) That's about it.

But here's what I found:

1) They are normal, friendly people.

2) They are way better looking in real life.

3) This was a little surprising.

Let's start with TILTE, who was by far the blogger I most wanted to meet. We share a similar sense of humor, a love of processed food, and occasionally enjoy talking about our reproductive organs. As we were speaking on the phone and arranging our first meeting, she warned me that she was wearing a T-shirt that made her look like someone's fat mom. To which I believe I said, "In that case, welcome to the club."

Of course, what ended up happening is she showed up looking like an 18-year-old high school track star, skinny as a whip and cute to boot. I had to resign myself to being the only person in my group who actually looked like someone's fat mom, despite being exactly no one's fat mom. Which I forgave TILTE for because she is So. Damn. Funny.

Case in point. The jaunty breadstick-as-cigar pose.

I don't think anything really needs to be said about this.

Enjoying a beer and mini hotdog at Sparklecorn.

Christina and I also took a couple pictures at Sparklecorn and successfully ended up looking like serial killers in them.

Here's the only clear photo. I look demonic. Christina looks cherubic.

Here's one of our smiley photos. Christina looks like she's getting hungry for human blood.

Speaking of Sparklecorn, I also met Mandy Fish there, on the dance floor. If her avatar was any indication, I would have expected to meet a tall blonde model and THAT. is EXACTLY. what she WAS. I have no photos of her but if you care to watch her speak about sausage, click here.

(also in that video -- Kristine from Wait in the Van, whom I saw at the conference but whom I did not introduce myself to. See above notes on being an introvert.)

Then there was Carrie from The Sweetest. At one point she said smiling so much was hurting her face. She was one of the most hilarious people I met all weekend.

In between conference sessions one day I hunted down Ginger from Ramble Ramble. I was in a tizzy over a session I'd just ditched on how to pitch a book, and Ginger -- who works in publishing -- was very reassuring. She was gorgeous and calm and natural. We went to a session called Twitterholics together, where a bunch of ... Twitterholics ... sat around talking about things they liked and did not like about Twitter. I learned a number of things about Twitter tools that day.

People I saw and did not introduce myself to in that session -- Schmutzie, Redneck Mommy, Palinode, Backpacking Dad, Kungfu Pussy, and others I don't recall off the top of my head. Everyone was a lot better looking in person that I expected. I think that really threw me off. Especially because that day I hadn't done my hair because I was a little hung over and I looked slightly insane/ tore up.

Person I saw directly after that session and whom I also did not introduce myself to but whom I took photos of while Christina spoke with her -- Stephanie from Nie Nie Dialogues. She is absolutely amazing.

Stephanie.

At one point (at the Aiming Low party) I also saw Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka and I also did not say hi to her. Same for Catherine from Her Bad Mother, Anissa, The Bloggess, Michon Michon, and Neil. That's how I roll.

And as far as actual celebrities I could have but did not introduce myself to, those included: Ricki Lake, Giuliana Rancic, and Bob Harper. Oh, also the Pine Sol lady.

There's Bob in the background.

I'll be writing about Giuliana tomorrow on Tired & Stuck.

Lastly, I met a number of bloggers I'd never heard of before, but whom I'm glad to have met. I have a whole pile of business cards to go through and will soon be following them on Twitter.

If I met you and did not list you here, please let me know! My brain is still mush from learning/travel. I am old. That is all.

Starting With Swag

2011-08-08T11:36:00.000-07:00

I'm back from BlogHer!

My overall feelings about the conference are:

1) I am majorly impressed with how well organized it was, how awesome the sessions and speakers were, and how excellent and bountiful the food was.

2) I have an overwhelming amount of information to sift through.

3) I met some amazing, beautiful, kind, ingenious, welcoming, thoughtful women.

4) I am inspired.

5) I am exhausted.

6) I gained two pounds.

7) I am appreciative of the dozens of BlogHer sponsors who make the whole thing possible.

If you followed me on Twitter, hopefully you were not too annoyed with my constant BlogHer updates. To say that myself and the rest of the 3,600 participants were excited to be there would be entirely accurate, if not an understatement. There was generally a sense of effusiveness in the air; a desire to learn and be inspired and inspire others and, of course, have a hell of a lot of fun.

I've decided BlogHer deserves its own week of blog posts. If you don't care to read about BlogHer, please come back next week. But I promise there will be photos and what I consider to be entertaining anecdotes.

Today's post will focus on the now infamous swag. Swag refers to the copious amounts of free stuff handed out to bloggers by the many, many sponsors who fund the conference. I had no idea what to expect, and let's just say I was again overwhelmed by the swag experience.

But let's start at the beginning. I flew to San Diego with Christina, after chugging two morning-time glasses of wine in the airport due to my extreme nerves about flying in an aluminum death trap thousands of miles up in the air.

It was after 5 somewhere... Here, it was around 10 a.m.

San Diego's airport blows -- everyone who flew to the conference knows it, and I'll just leave it at that. San Diego itself is a really beautiful city. It has a gorgeous and bumping downtown, with lots of handsome military types hanging out all over the place.

I'd had another glass of wine on the plane (YES IT WAS NECESSARY) so when we landed I was undeniably and thankfully drunk. Christina went off for a few hours to meet with a friend and I spent my few free hours chugging a latte, eating an enormous cookie, napping, ignoring bloggers in the elevator of my hotel (I was drunk and didn't trust a normal word to come out of my mouth), and showering.

Christina returned and we jaunted off to the expo hall to check out the swag.

It. Was. Crazy.

For some reason the only photo I have from the expo hall is of a dude carving a giant block of soap.

So you're just going to have to trust me when I say it was crazy. I had to have another glass of wine to calm myself.

Basically what happens at the expo hall is you go around talking to all the sponsors and they give you free stuff and a schpiel about their product and you smile and behave very nicely because you are happy they gave BlogHer money and you want them to keep doing it.

This morning I laid out all my swag on my bed because I wanted to see it all together, in one place. It's an impressive haul.

I seriously can't wait to put that Waterpik thing in my nose. Also seen here -- a card by Robin Plemmons, some Quaker cereal, some Pepsico coupons, The Write Dudes pens, Ivory soap, Knorr stock concentrate, a Chase USB, Stacy's, Sunchips, and Tonka.

I was stoked to see Paper Culture there. Also the Mother Company, HTC, Mastercard, P&G, Brawny, Scrubbing Bubbles, and Zarbee's (they make natural children's cough medicine).

Dove (which also provided ice cream - delish), an Aiming Low mug, Kmart, and a pad of paper & pen from the People's Party.

Hallmark, McDonalds, Jimmy Dean, Hillshire Farms, CVS, California Raisins, and Lowe's.

You might think I shouldn't give the sponsors any attention on my blog, but I simply do not feel OK about going to the conference and returning with all of this stuff without at least mentioning all of the companies I encountered. The former journalist in me feels like I need to provide full disclosure. And as I said, I really am glad these companies sponsor the conference.

More BlogHer stuff I plan to cover this week: The bloggers I met and saw, stuff I learned, amazing speakers/guests (Indra Nooyi - CEO of Pepsico, Ricki Lake, Fatemeh Fakhraie, Carol Jenkins, Giuliana Rancic, and Bob from "The Biggest Loser," ) parties I went to, and stuff you should read.

Now for a nap.

Vlog Le Deux

2011-08-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

So, here she is, the vlog I knocked out on the second try, after receiving a verrrrrry distracting text message during Take No. 1. I'll post this first take below the main vlog, as it contains some new and rather exciting information ...

A couple of realizations after watching these:

1) Each video starts out with a few seconds of me looking like a zombie ghost from hell. Rest easy, this effect goes away very quickly (after the computer screen steals your soul).

2) I say "so" too much.

3) I advise AT THE END OF THE MAIN VIDEO that viewers watch the vlog in the evening with a glass of wine. Which is ultimately the least helpful thing I could have done, which is why I am telling you now; if four minutes is a bit longer than you want to spend during daylight hours watching a chubby girl do a vlog, you should wait until the evening and do it drunk instead!

P.S. If you want to see what I'm up to at BlogHer this Thursday through Sunday, follow me on Twitter! I'll be tweeting up a storm...

Ok, now on to my first attempt to vlog. Note the completely blank look in my eyes when I realize I must not attempt to continue ...

I am sooooooooooo excited that I am going to be an auntie to a sweet little girl!

Musings of a madwoman

Firepot soup

Killing bad habits & conceiving good habits

The Bachelor, Ep. 4: The Expressionless Botox Zombie Parade

Football Food

Again: I was not consulted

Habits

Review: 1Q84

The Bachelor, Ep. 3: On a Scale of 1 to 10, I feel like I'm gonna throw up

What the cool kids are drinking

Vegetable and tofu pad thai

Crazy Cat People: Simon & The Backscratcher

The Bachelor, Ep. 2 - Bitches Be Crazy

Resolutions ... Week 2

Tangerine Beef Stir-Fry

What the world needs now is another Bachelor recap

What "healthy" looks like today

MOAM's Best & Worst of 2011

Food flops

Hanford

Glerrrrggghhh

Little one

My husband's favorite cookie of all time

A mad, mad month

The best thing to happen this year, BY FAR

The books of 2011

Let's talk about the R-word

Crazy Cat People: Guest Edition Part 2

Bullet points - holiday edition

Asian Chicken Noodle Soup

Crazy Cat People: The Cube Edition

Happiness

A little pre-indulgence indulgence

Slow Cooker Chicken Tikka Masala

Overconfident writers never have made any sense to me

What I'm going to keep reminding myself of

Crazy Cat People: Finger Puppet Edition

Chinese White Cut Chicken with Ginger Scallion Oil

She of the Big Hair

The best things this week

Wrinkles and gray hairs and oh my

Charlie

Things to repeat

Evil Emeril's Pumpkin Spice Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting

Ingredients for Cupcakes (frosting recipe below)

Cooking Directions

Paper Culture Winner!

Food flops!

Crazy Cat People - The Christmas Edition.

Butternut Squash with Shrimp

Paper Culture giveaway (and general fawning over Paper Culture)

Crazy Cat People - The Guest Edition

Review

Product Description

Best new thing ever

Clap Clap Clap Clap Clap Clap! Accent Vlog!

Crazy Cat People - the figurine edition

That means I'm working

Noodle-less lasagna

The Commissioner

Crazy Cat People

It follows the directions on the package or else it gets the hose again

The final quarter

Crazy Cat People

(Hecka) pork fried (brown) rice

Project: The Green Wall

One thing went right

Ice cream

Pupps Rash! *jazz hands*

New Day

Looking

Holding pattern

I did not see this coming

A really lovely sauce

Let's talk about clothing

What's going on

The hostess with the mostess help

D's famous baked BBQ beans

Zucchini, Banana, and Flaxseed Muffins

Deciding what you are and what to do about it

Pupps Rash! jazz hands