So, four thousand years later, I'm still trying to lose weight. Has there ever been a time I haven't been trying to lose weight? The last time I remember weight not mattering to me, I was in the fourth grade. And my weight didn't become an actual issue until years later, in high school.
What pisses me off the most about trying to lose weight is the mental energy I spend worrying about how I look and how to look and feel better. No. 2 on the list of things that piss me off about losing weight is how fucking hard it is.
The weight game changed the second I got pregnant. It feels like everything that's happened to my body since then has been almost involuntary. First I lost weight because I was so sick. Then I gained a very respectable amount of weight -- about 35 pounds -- during pregnancy. Truth be told, I'd expected to gain about 50. Still, I looked and felt horrific. I was terribly bloated. But, four weeks postpartum, I'd lost every pound, and kept losing until I was five pounds lower than I was before I got pregnant. This is easily attributed to breast feeding, because I was eating everything in sight. A few months postpartum, I also got pretty sick and was vomiting, so lost another five pounds, which just never came back.
Until now. It's back. Oh, it's back. I'm weaning Graham, so the calorie-burning benefits of breastfeeding are practically nil, and besides that, I've picked up many, many bad habits over the last two years.
So, my current mission is as follows:
1. Identify bad habits acquired during and post pregnancy.
2. Systematically eradicate bad habits.
3. Replace bad habits with nonsucky new habits.
That third one is the real kicker. Right now food is a reward. For instance, I'll reward myself with a latte and a slice of lemon loaf because I'm exhausted and heroically going about my mom duties anyway, instead of slamming vodka and locking Graham in his plastic baby jail. If deprived of my reward, it's a real bummer. So I need to figure out some stuff that makes me feel as happy as a latte and lemon loaf, ya know? And also, I can't even really get into what a crutch chocolate is right now.
So that is all. I'm open to ideas, guys. I feel like a dieting newb since it's been so long since I gave it any real effort and I've dug myself into quite the hole when it comes to my new eating habits.