Thursday, June 12, 2014

the nap pickle


Remember me?! I did fall down the baby hole, just like I swore I wouldn't. The problem, it turns out, is that I suck at training my baby to sleep. It's a very long and boring story about NAPS and how I HOLD my BABY for every nap he takes and at the end of the day I have two hours to converse with my husband, eat dinner, and watch a TV program before I slip into unconsciousness and the night shift begins.

Because my baby also does not sleep through the night. This is shocking, I know.

Anyway I decided I just need to make blogging happen, somehow. It's important to me. It connects me to other people. It helps me express myself creatively and feel like a normal human instead of a walking, baby-talking tit. So I do hope to keep this up a couple times a week, SOMEHOW.

Things that have been happening, in bullet-point form since it's been nearly three months (THE SHAME) since I blogged.

- I cut my hair and now I feel like a very ugly mommy. It's quite a lot shorter than it was, and it needed to happen because my hair was falling out in clumps. Now I'll just let it grow back out, but meanwhile, I totally did that thing where I became a mom and sliced off like 15 inches of hair. STEREOTYPES, I AM IN YOU.

- We put foil up in the baby's window and sealed the cracks with duct tape. So that we can cook meth in his room. Ha! No, it's so this child will sleep. When even the smallest crack of light seeps through, he just stares at it, wide-eyed. I'm sure our neighbors are like: What the hell.

- The boy and I got sick together! It was the best. He had a cold. I had A COLD plus vomiting for whatever reason. I am still getting over it like three weeks later. I hate everyone.

- We are feeding Graham solids now! So his farts smell reaaalllly extra special. He's enjoying it, though, which is a relief because it signals that SOMEDAY I will no longer be his primary food source. I remain an unenthusiastic breastfeeder, which probably means I am a sociopath.

- My husband and I went on TWO DATES! This was amazing. And I ate frozen yogurt, which is the closest I've come to ice cream in six months, and then Graham vomited to confirm that, no, frozen yogurt cannot be on the menu until the aforementioned tits are off his menu.

- G is in the 90th percentile for height, still, but down to 10th percentile for weight, which is concerning. I have no idea if he's just going to be a lanky sort of guy, but I constantly worry he's not getting enough to eat.

- G is still being swaddled and hates it but can't sleep without it and this is a nightmare I'm going to have to train him out of and send hellllllllp........

- I am watching The Bachelorette and I have so many thoughts. 1) Andy is so annoying. 2) The dead guy ... I mean. I just feel like an awful voyeur even watching. 3) That is all I guess. I'd love to be recapping it but see above for REASONS.

- omg BLOGHER is coming! You may not care about this but I do. This is going to be my longest time away from my child *cough*FREEDOM*cough* and it's just overall really fun meeting other bloggers and going to the sessions. I am pretty much a fraud for even attending this conference but thankfully no one cares because I paid my monies and that is all that matters. Tell me if you are going!

- Tell me what book to read next! I just finished The Secret History (while employing aforementioned tits in aforementioned foil-darkened room) and liked it but it's been a couple weeks and I need something new to read. No horror, no historical fiction (unless it's REALLY GOOD DAMMIT).

- Lest I sound like an ungrateful former infertile, my son really is the best kid. He's spirited, happy, laughs a ton, jumps like a maniac in his jumper, and overall just reminds me every day what a miracle he is. My husband and I marvel at his existence constantly.


  1. Drat! If I had known you were going, BlogHer might have been worth it to me!


    I can't even blog twice a week and I don't even have a newborn as an excuse.

  2. At three days old my son started vehemently fighting the swaddle. He'd kick and kick until he was unswaddled. The damn rustling noise was so annoying that I just let him hang free. He's two now, and to this day refuses any kind of blanket, covering, footie, etc.

    1. If/when I have another kid, my swaddle strategy is going to be SO much different!

  3. That kid is really cute. I don't get tired of looking at him.

    Basically everything about this post scares me to death. Whyyyyy must babies be so hard and yet motherhood so quickly and effortlessly defended by every mother? I'm confused.

    Please tell me you're watching "I Wanna Marry Harry".

    1. Isn't that weird? I laughed reading your comment. If it helps, people defend it probably because they wouldn't change it even if they could (although some would if they could and no one would know).

      I took care of lots of kids/babies before I had my son, and I work in delivery rooms doing labor support. So I pretty much was stuck in this weird place of thinking it was going to be tedious hell that starts with pain and vomiting, and yet doing it anyway. Pregnancy for me was awful, but here's a thing that happened toward the end of it: I was on my way to the OB and got into an elevator with a pediatrician. He looked at me and smiled. "Your first?" I said yes. I braced for everything else I had heard -- you'll never sleep, go out with your husband now, blah blah. But instead he said this: "You'll never have more fun in your life."
      And the thing is, he was totally right. My son is four, and while there has been some shit that has been insanely difficult, it has also been hilarious and awesome. I go to bouncy houses during the week for no reason. I go on carnival rides, and spray hoses at people, and chase after pigs at the petting zoo. I also scream "STOP IMMEDIATELY!" in a panicky voice, and wring my hands about all sorts of problems.
      But I don't get on Facebook and talk to people about how good my day was today. I get on there and talk about last Thursday when my son turned into Gozer the Gozerian and laid waste to my house. I would still rather have my son than more peaceful days. Maybe others have the same kinds of experience, and that's why it seems so confusing. Just a guess.

    2. I'M CONFUSED, TOO! Just recently I was reading these comments online from mothers saying some day I would miss the most miserable moments of this experience and I was like: I know myself, and I'm not going to miss those moments. People need to stop acting like having a kid is no big deal because it's pretty much the hardest thing I've ever done.

      I'm not watching IWTMH! Decided it's just too much stupid, piled on top of the Bachelorette and all the Housewives shows I watch.