whoa

Until just, well, yesterday actually, I'd been avoiding facing the fact that in a little over four months there will be a tiny human living with me, and he will need stuff.

I've actually done very well at avoiding fully accepting my pregnancy altogether. I don't receive emails from babycenter or whoever it is, telling me what size fruit my baby is that week (that's what I have Christina for). I haven't downloaded any apps chronicling my slow and plodding journey toward the delivery room, although my mom and sister have. We don't have a name chosen and probably won't until a hospital official forces us to. I haven't read a single pregnancy book, although there's a formidable stack of them on my nightstand, all loaned by friends and family. And I'm 21 weeks tomorrow (he's the length of a carrot, I guess), and basically sucking at nesting, preparation, being pregnant, and possibly being female.

I know why I'm this way -- my brain broke after all that crap we dealt with over the last few years -- but it's not doing me any favors. I mean, the junk room is still the junk room and purportedly that is where my child is going to sleep.

So yesterday I decided to start a list of everything I will need for this kid. And, oh yes, I know mommies out there often say all you need is your boobs and a pillow. Or your boobs and diapers. Or your boobs and knife to stab yourself in the face. But let's be real, mkay? I done babysat before and I know there are a few basics that can't be done without. Although mommies will also say every baby is different and that is true -- my niece mostly hated her swing but liked the chair that vibrated. (BTW there's got to be a chair that can do both?)

Anyway, I started the list yesterday and "finished" it today (Ha. Ha!) and there are 74 things on it, and lots of them cost a pretty penny. Thankfully I've amassed a collection of hand-me-downs, but there are still many items I think we'll need. I won't bore you by listing them. But I'm getting a little heartburn staring at that list (although that could be my prenatal) and thinking, ok, I need that, but do I need the top-of-the-line thing? The organic thing? The no-baby-cheetas-were-harmed-in-the-making-of-this-product thing? No idea.

And then? There are all these mommies out there talking about all the baby books I need to read. Secrets of a Baby Whisperer. The Happiest Baby on the Block. The Contented Baby. Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child. Wild Things; The Art of Nurturing Boys. And then for every person who says I should read one of these books, there's another person who says the author of that book is full of crap. Ha!

So basically, I just don't know. I may register for everything under the sun. I may order every book and read it. And I guess I'll start reading What To Expect When You're Expecting and work my way down the pile.

But yeah, I could use some pointers. Boppy or My Breastfriend (dear god how I hate the names of all baby-related products)? Moby or Ergo? Both? Read the baby books or ditch them and wing it? Tequila or vodka in the bag that's coming to the hospital?