Monday, July 01, 2013

Not much, what's new with you?

I cannot figure out how to write this.

I guess I will just do it chronologically.

There was Christina, standing in my living room, looking a little worried and telling me she had news. So I uncharitably guessed that an unmarried friend of ours was pregnant, and she said, No, I am. Which was a major things-you've-given-up-hoping-for-coming-true moment. And, oh, she'd been a little worried about how I would take it, but I was elated. Floated around for about a week with a smile on my face, my faith in the universe restored.

Until I remembered it wasn't over. I still had to somehow make the same happen for myself. Do what I'd been trying to do for years. Number one goal, unmet. Worse, really -- met, and snatched away, twice.

So I saw a new doctor, who scheduled a test, and almost all these tests involve me on my back, legs spread, and a couple strangers poking around in my lady bits. No exception here, where iodine was injected into my womb. The test said: normal.

I saw my cardiologist, who didn't have anything new to say other than to continue to be an annoying prick who I need to fire.

I started sleeping better after my husband, who should be sainted, resolved a snoring issue. Sleep is the great equalizer, no matter what anyone says.

I tried the Paleo diet and juiced vegetables and quit caffeine and started a baby aspirin regimen. I walked a lot. I half-heartedly attended cardio-kickboxing classes. I lost almost 20 pounds. 

I went to a dentist, which I'd been putting off for years. Two cavities, but other than that, nobody said The disease in your mouth has been affecting your fertility. Which I'd kind of hoped for, just so I'd have an answer.

I asked for progesterone. Doctors nowadays often won't say I think you should take this. They say We can try this if you want. So basically your health is in your hands, and this is the biggest lesson of the last three years. I asked for it and started taking it.

I started acupuncture and herbs, which I didn't know if I believed in. The effect I know it did most certainly have was to make me feel relaxed and positive -- I felt like I was doing something good for myself every week, working toward a goal. And as crazy as it sounds, there was the vision I had on my third visit in which I was standing in the sand, holding a male baby.

And what I didn't know at the time was that I was pregnant.

I always test too soon. I tested on Day 20, and nothing showed up in the first few minutes, so I threw it out. I tested on Day 21 and forgot about it for an hour or two, left it on the bathroom counter. I came back to find a faint, faint positive line. Burst into tears, started shaking. Dug through the trash for the Day 20 test. Even fainter positive line. Googled "false positive pregnancy tests" and "evap lines" with inconclusive results. For those wondering, I don't believe in false positives or evap lines. I've been testing for years, and the only positives I've ever gotten, no matter how long the stick sits there, have actually been positive.

 Days 20-26

And by the way, sorry for the fertility lingo if you're reading this and wondering about Day 20 and evap lines and all that. This has been my world for a while.

That was in March. Today is July 1 and I am 19 weeks pregnant with a boy and this whole thing feels very unreal, like I'm watching it happen to someone else. I mean, yes, that's me in the maternity pants, buying all the peanut butter chocolate ice cream while the clerk eyes my belly with an "is it burritos or a baby" expression, but I scarcely believe it.

It's thrilling and frightening and yes, I'm going to be someone's mother, and no, nobody made me prove I could do it first. It's terrifying but such a relief at the same time.


I'm posting this on both my personal blog and the Tired & Stuck blog, but I plan to update with baby-related stuff only on my personal blog. For those ladies out there who've followed along and been through similar struggles, thank you so much for every kind word. I wish the same miracle on you. 

28 comments:

  1. I'm so happy for you darling! xoxoxoxo!!

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  2. HOW AWESOME! Many congratulations!

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  3. Oh! Oh! OHHHHH! I am so so so happy for you. I'm seriously tearing up reading this, I know how long a road this has been for you, and I am just so excited for you.

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  4. I'm going to post a comment here too.

    *SQUEEEEEEEEEE!*

    So excited for you. Congratulations!

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  5. My dentist told me I should really be more diligent about flossing or I'll never be able to get pregnant. I will likely never again buy dental floss.

    But congratulations to you! I called this the moment I saw the word "mango" on Facebook.

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    1. Haha! Dentists can be real dicks. :)

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  6. coming out of my lurk because OMG THIS IS AMAZING!!!! CONGRATS ERIN!!!

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  7. I am SO happy for you & B!!! Congratulations!!
    ~april

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  8. I knew it!!!!! Told Greg I thought you were the other day. Little signs in your writing. So happy for you guys!!!! It's AMAZING! Best thing in the whole world.

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  9. Oh, I am beyond thrilled for you guys!!! Congratulations!!

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  10. ERIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg. omg. i hope i don't freak you out when i say this (since we've never met) but halfway through this post when i realized where this was going i began to cry. i'm still crying. i am so so SO happy for you. CONGRATS a million times over to you and your husband.

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    1. It doesn't freak me out at all, and actually made me a little teary to read your comment. Thank you!

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  11. Good for you. Happy tears here. Well done.

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  12. Oh, my word--he is beautiful!
    And no, there is no such thing as a "false positive" pg test. A faint line means a baby ~ WOOT! Congratulations to you all!

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  13. It's about time you blogged the good news! I feel like I've been creepily visiting/ refreshing your website too many times every day out of anticipation. Congratulations. <3

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    1. What she said. Yay! Can't wait to see the hair of head on this bugger.

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    2. Thanks ladies! I wanted to wait until the anatomy scan ultrasound was over and done with. I won't feel completely OK until the baby is OUT, but I can't keep this a secret anymore! Oh, and I'm predicting stick-straight hair on this one. :)

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  14. Get the hell out! I mean, I don't even know you personally, only through this blog, and here I am with tears in my eyes because that is some beautiful fucking news. Congratulations just simply doesn't do it justice. And as a mother to three little boys, let me just say, it's the best. It's balls and wiener talk all the time. And maybe some talk of farts and dirt and bugs and fire. It's also adventure and chaos and boys who love their Mama so much. Congratulations, congratulations, congratulations.

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    1. Thank you! Yes, I've been hearing it's going to be all penis, all the time for years. Forever, maybe? ;)

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  15. It must be really weird to have all these people you don't know tearing up at your happy news. I can't help it. This is fucking great. I'm so happy for you. I concur with Sara; I only have one, but there is a good deal of dirt, bugs and fire. I've never had more fun. Congratulations.

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    1. After all these years blogging, it doesn't feel weird at all. It feels awesome! I look forward to all the gross boy stuff. :)

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    2. Mine is also a kind, compassionate soul (while he's covered in mud) -- and boys do love their mamas. I am not really a reader of many blogs (it's pretty much you (via Libby/Tired & Stuck), Suburban Snapshots and Hyperbole and a Half, and this is my first real weepiness at a post :)
      Let me know if I can be of any e-help as a doula. Virtual doula is sometimes better than no doula...

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  16. Congratulations!! I'm so, so, so happy for you and B! Wonderful news. Can't wait to hear all about the pregnant lady stuff and of course, oooh and aaaah at baby pictures. What's your due date?
    (ps. I did the same thing with the pregnancy tests. I figured if one was good, seven was much more accurate!)

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    1. Thanks! The due date is Nov. 23. I actually have a much more extensive pee stick "page" with 15-20 pee sticks taped to it. I've somehow lost it. Which sounds bad. Somewhere in my house is a page with a bunch of pee sticks on it.

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  17. This is the best thing I have read in weeks. Congrats Momma!

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  18. This is the best thing I have read in weeks. Congrats Momma!

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