Tuesday, February 12, 2013

The Bachelor, Ep. 7: YOU CAN'T TAKE MY SPARKLE

This episode? Is what happens when a bunch of women have been living in a house together just long enough to synchronize their periods.

Seriously. Ask my dad. Hell hath no fury like three women with premenstrual syndrome.

Ok, this week they are in St. Croix.

Tierra immediately pisses everyone off by dragging a pull-out bed into the living room, rather than sharing a room with another girl. 

 Maybe she farts in her sleep?

Date 1 is with Ashlee. Tierra goes for strike two by singing, "The Cougar is Back in Town!" Later in an interview she says "Why hasn't she found someone she can settle down with? I mean, you're 32 years old!" She goes on to say she hopes by the time she's 32, she's married and has kids.

Oh, my dear Tierra. Sometimes life has other plans for you. Now Shut. The Eff. Up.


Ashlee and Sean take a catamaran to a private island, where Ashlee tells Sean about what a "pouty pants" Tierra is. He seems to be starting to understand, now. 


And they do this. And she tells him she got married when she was 17, which is weird. 
And that she loves him.
My husband thinks it's Ashlee For The Win, but I'm still sticking with Catherine, dammit!


 The girls sit around in their bikinis and bitch about Tierra....


 ... who is out on her first 1-on-1 with Sean, even though she's unhappy because there are bugs and she's sweaty and walking around St. Croix is "not fun or cool." I don't even know.
Sean admits to her that her drama with the girls has hurt their relationship.

Sean is not done trying to plan The Worst Date Ever, so for the group date he shows up at oh-dark-thirty to wake up the girls. Since he's interested in seeing what they look like without their makeup, he snaps polaroids of them. This is grounds for face-punches in my house.



Then he makes them take a road trip all over hell and gone. They're good sports but it looks like a lousy time to me.

 Although there was this? So. 

Because this picture is so jacked I'm not sure if this is Lindsay or Desiree. But Lindsay gets the date rose, and I begin to wonder if she's some kind of dark horse I should have had my eye on earlier.


 And then Catherine says her dad tried to kill himself in front of her?
Ok, remember the story about the girl who got killed by the tree and how that, like, changed her life? 
I am just confused.
I mean, they're both awful, but I would think the dad thing would be more impactful.
Anyway, they're a cute couple, I think.

 And then it's time for awkwardsauce 1-on-1 with Lesley. It's apparent she's going to get cut.

 


Then Sean's sister shows up! Hallelujah!


 She's like: Remember what they told you? Don't pick the girl no one likes. 
Ah, sweet words of wisdom.

Meanwhile, Tierra is having a hissy fit because Ashlee told Sean she's a pouty pants. And Ashlee's like: You wanna get nitty gritty, let's get nitty gritty honey.


And Tierra is like: Girls are jealous. Men love me.

And Ashlee is like: Even your parents thought you shouldn't come here. 

And Tierra is like: NO. THEY SAID TIERRA, YOU HAVE A SPARKLE. DO NOT LET THOSE GIRLS TAKE YOUR SPARKLE AWAY. 

All instantly becomes clear. 

This, my friends, is what happens when both teams win. Someone needs to lose. Humans need to learn loss and disappointment, otherwise this is what happens. You end up with a couple of parents who have a 24-year-old grown-ass child who is a perfect Sparkle Princess. 

So Sean wants Tierra to meet his sister so she can deduce whether the woman is evil. 

But he walks in and she's crying. So he's like: Crazy ass ho! Get to another area code! 
But really, he sent her on her way. 


 YOU CAN'T TAKE MY SPARRRRRRRRRRRRKLE!

And then Sean is pissed so he cancels the cocktail party and gets rid of Lesley...



 Which is really upsetting to Catherine? She says it's because Sean and Lesley have so much in common and if he doesn't like Lesley, what does he see in her? I am confused again.

Next week should be entertaining because it's the hometown visits and everyone's families look like huge dicks!! Especially Desiree's brother!

By the way, is this the issue with Desiree I've been waiting for? It seemed like her ex boyfriend was going to show up but maybe it's just her brother?

Episode 6 recap: You're gonna wife that? Episode 5 recap: If I could be someplace else ...

9 comments:

  1. This will become my new phrase at home.
    "Mom, can you get me a drink?" YOU CAN"T TAKE AWAY MY SPARKLE!
    "Honey, what's for dinner?" DON"T YOU TAKE AWAY MY SPARKLE!
    I'm sure it will go over swimmingly at the ole' Wolfpack.

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    1. Oh, absolutely. I'm going to be wielding my sparkle ferociously!

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  2. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I don't know why I can't get it in my thick skull when this show airs. I blame it on the fact that this is only my first season watching this shitfactory. Anyway, I can't believe I missed the gold medal show of the season. I've been waiting patiently for Dirt (AKA Tierra) to get the boot and I honestly thought the producers were going to hold onto her until the end.

    I think Lindsay is going to win and I've even confirmed this successor with my mom, if that tells you how serious I am. Although, I have to admit, I think AshLee might be a very close second place what with being willing to catch ocean-herpes and everything.

    Also, that polaroid business is FUNNY. I would have been pissed if I was one of those girls.

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    1. You think it's Lindsay, eh? Kind of makes sense since they're both weird pranksters. But she and Ashlee are sort of the boring choice. Sean should obviously be making his life choices based on entertainment value.

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  3. From now on, whenever I have a disagreement with someone, I'm answering with:

    YOU CAN'T TAKE MY SPARKLE!

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  4. I can't even imagine roadtripping around the world when everyone is all synced up. My poor dad had 5 daughters and a wife, his life was 'blessed'.

    Tierra, I do not miss her. Beyond being super unlikable she was just so exhausting. Can you imagine how much effort it would take to make her happy, times that by being in a relationship with her...ugh. No thanks.

    Never the less we did get something out of it, I too will be yelling "You cant take my sparkle!" at random moments of angst. Thank you Tierra.

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  5. Was I the only one who liked Lesley? I appreciate that she's not at all comfortable telling someone who's been dating 20 other people that she's in love with him. I thought things were taking a turn for the better when they were kissing against the fence and she told him she liked how naturally their relationship was progressing. Granted, I've only been watching episodes here and there and don't have much to base my like of her on, but she's way more desirable to me than that old divorced hag, AshLee.

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    Replies
    1. You were not the only one to like Lesley. I thought in many ways she was the most awesome, but I don't think she was ever very interested in him, even though she's mostly prohibited by contract from saying so. She can do way better, and will, I'm sure, with someone less sexist and not so virginal.

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