Tuesday, July 31, 2012

the bachelor pad: the people have spoken

Well I'll tell you what.

The people have spoken and what they are saying is they like boobs.

Donna's boobs, in particular.

I was fully prepared to never watch another episode of "Bachelor Pad" again -- and feeling really good about it! -- when I made the mistake of checking my stats. And what my stats told me was that I've gotten several hundred hits off searches like "donna bachelor pad" and "bachelor pad donna." The only other hits I'm getting on the Bachelor Pad review are off Lindzi and Kalon (which is, admittedly, a real freak show), but honestly people. Donna has done nothing of note other than be extraordinarily tan and buxom.

Anyway, the narcissist in me can't ignore these hits. I'll have to keep reviewing this shit if only out of sheer morbid fascination. Thankfully, tonight I discovered something that really helped me watch it. Like, a lot. It's called wine. It's purple and makes me feel warm and happy inside.

Yum


Wine helped me realize that even though I thought I hated everyone on this show, I really love them. Every single one.

Except the twins.

So for starters, since the Olympics are happening, it's time for us to look at Erica Rose's underwear. 

Or as some of us say, panties. 
Well. At least she's wearing 'em!


 Michael is obviously gonna win this one. I think Ed (on the right) is just going to be drunk 24/7 this season. Which is fine with me.


 The girls looking like proper gymnasts. 


 The boys looking .... well I dunno. Hella jacked. 


 BUT LOOK. Here's Donna!! The lady of the hour. 
She is proclaiming her love for Michael. She wants to win so she can take Michael on a date. She's not gonna win, though. 


 The ladies' routine was hella jacked. They lost.


 The men's was way better. Ed is still drunk, tho.


 Blakeley won on the chick's side though. So now she needs to figure out if her partner, Chris, is really her partner, or if he just wants to bone Jamie. Honestly, I have no idea what he wants. 


 But here's Donna's boobs if it makes you feel any better!


 Oh, also: Donna's boobs. Michael decides to take her on his date, along with Rachel and Lindzi. 


 Unfortunately for Donna, Michael is into Rachel. 


 Her likes her eyes or some shit. 


 And then Ryan, who is a 32-year-old virgin, does this. Which isn't creepy at all. It's for Jamie. 


 And Jamie's all: I'm totes the kind of girl you take home to mom and dad. B/c of my lace gloves, obvs. 


 And then Donna is like: But Michael, I drew you this picture of yourself where your neck is really big and you're cross-eyed! 


 And Michael's like: Cool. I want to taste your tongue. 


 Meanwhile Jamie's like: Chris, I can't believe how much you like me!!!! (she really said this) 


 And then Chris is like: Imma kiss Blakeley in bed now. 


 And then Jamie's like: *sob* I sleep on the top bunk where you and Blakeley are touching each other's naughty bits! 

And I'm like: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA *GLUG* WHERE IS THE WINE


 And Blakeley's like: I won and now I'm wearing ... I don't even know, dudes. 
She took Chris, Ed, and the fan guy on her date. WTF is that guy's name again?


 And then Blakeley's like: here's the rose, Chris. I'm gullible and shit! And Chris is like: thanks! I know.




 I have no idea what's happening here. Erica and Donna? This is never addressed. I just don't know. 


 Also filed under "who the fuck knows" is this: Kalon with Lindzi and Jamie?


 And then Ed's like: D'you know what vick-tree taze like? It taze so good. Here, taze it. 

And then he fucked Sarah, while yelling about his "pickle." 

 You're No. 1, Ed! 


Ok and then hella shit happened with the twins but long story short is they left.


 And Kalon and Lindzi thought it was pretty funny. 

And Reid tried to get Ed out ....

 Hi Reid. Me <3 u long time. 

But that didn't work. So Ryan went home instead. He's the virgin.

Look, if it wasn't already abundantly clear, "Bachelor Pad" is no place for a virgin. It's frankly a miracle these people aren't crawling with STDs. (I assume they're not since I once read they are all tested beforehand)

'Til next week ...

good company

I'll tell you what I did.

I done warshed my fitbit in the warshing machine.

Twice.

Do you remember the fitbit? Fancy little thingy-bopper you slip into your pocket or clip to your clothes and it tells you how many steps you've taken? You can also wear it to bed and it tells you how restful your sleep was (NOT VERY, HUSBAND. NOT VERY).

Well, I being myself (thank you, parents, for not naming me Grace) done warshed the durned contraption in the warsher.

And then I, being myself, forgot about the warsher full of durned dirty clothes for an indeterminate amount of time, as is my wont, and then I durn done warshed it again because the whole warsh durned done started to stink.

I will now cease the warsh-speak.

The point is, I washed the fitbit, and when I looked into the bottom of the washer and there it sat, looking forlornly at me with its one, sopping wet eye, I gasped. Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Not fitbit! No! There is no justice in the world!

Now, you might have been around these parts long enough to know I once accidentally dropped my iPhone in a full cup of coffee. I'm still not completely clear on how that happened; I just know it happened before my horrified eyes, in slow motion. But once I fished it out and let it sit overnight in a bowl of (uncooked) rice, it was right as rain!

I hoped the same could be said for the fitbit. Even though it'd been through the damned WASHING MACHINE.TWICE.



But, no. I plugged it in, and it flashed:


 "FITBIT 4.14," which everyone knows is fitbit-lingo for, "If it's the last thing I do ... *choke* ... *wheeze* ... *gasp* ... I will have my revenge."

And then it died. The display done gone dark on me.

So I thought, mayhaps the fancy fitbit people know what I should do! And so I went to the fitbit web site and was like, I wonder if it's on the FAQ page! And it was. 


I done warshed my fitbit! (sorry)

Seeing as how I'd already tried the rice trick, I went ahead and contacted their support group and then, guess what they did?

They done sent me a new one, gratis.



I know! I was, and continue to be, highly impressed!

And I never said anything like: Hey, if you send me a new one for free, I will tell all 15 people who read my blog! They just went ahead and sent one, anyway. And here I am, telling all 15 of you about it. It's the least I could do.

And I figured I'd tell you how awesome fitbit is. They have a little website that syncs up with your device, and it tells you how many steps you've taken, how many calories you've burned, how many floors you've climbed, how many miles you've traveled.


 Here's a day in May when I walked about three miles. 

You can also track your weight and log food and calories. It tells you how much you should be eating based on how much weight you want to lose each week.

And, if your friends have a fitbit, you can check out their stats (just how many steps they've taken -- not weight and stuff, that's all private) and then accuse them of being lazy bastards. It's good times!

In any case, it's a decent investment as far as health is concerned. When I was really paying attention to it and walking close to 10,000 steps a day, I was losing weight and noticing a lot more definition in my legs. As far as I'm concerned, no investment is too expensive when it comes to your health -- it's the most priceless thing you've got. Besides which, if you are a durned dummy and done warshed yours, maybe fitbit will send you a freebie to replace it. Just the one time ...


Thursday, July 26, 2012

miss advised - my bafflement continues

All righty.

I watched the latest episode on Tuesday, so I don't remember all the minutiae, but I certainly remember the basic storyline, and I recall the feeling of wonderment I ended the show with.

 The show seems to always begin with the Creepy Guest of the Day on Emily's radio program. 
Today it's a phone-sex operator.
Her guests make me feel icky inside. 


 Then Amy goes and meets with a new client. 
They have a conversation wherein they interrupt each other repeatedly. 
Being interrupted is one of my top pet peeves. 
I don't talk much, but when I do, ya better shut yer yap for long enough to listen to what I'm saying. 
Somehow this just got personal. 
Anyway, Amy tells this chick she's too masculine. Ok, whatever. 


 Emily's meeting with her buddy again, who seems to not understand that Emily doesn't care about her eggs drying up. Well, I tell ya what. Once you get your biological clock out of the way, anything goes! I guess you can just have sex with random strangers forever. 
Oh, wait. Except eventually you're gonna be old, and random strangers might not want to have sex with you anymore. You can always have lots of cats, though! That's just as good as a lifelong relationship with a human being who loves you.


 Julia went on one date with Andrew and he didn't hate her guts right away, so I guess that means they are in a deeply committed relationship and he needs to now fly down to LA to see her all the time? Especially for the awful dinner party she's having? She harangues him about why he's not coming, and he explains he has to work. 
Have you ever noticed that with certain people, perfectly reasonable explanations are simply never good enough? These are probably the same kind of people who interrupt others constantly. 


 JP is the voice of reason and is like SHUT UP HANG UP LEAVE HIM ALONE YOU WILL RUIN EVERYTHING.  AGAIN.


 Then Amy goes to a party at her friend's house. Her friend asks guests to either remove their shoes or wear these awful booties. 
Oh, hell no. 


 Amy's masculine new client is there and seems to want to argue. She might be drunk. Amy isn't having any of it. 


 So masculine lady attacks another woman whom she feels is inappropriately dressed. What a c-word. 
Honestly, I think that either this entire scene was staged and isn't real, or this woman is trying to get onto TV so she can be on the Real Housewives of Bitchdom or something. 
Anyway, masculine lady leaves the party.


 And this dude asks Amy out for an apple-picking adventure. 
She says yes.


 And then Emily and Menace meet for drinks and Menace wants to know if Emily's worried about her vagina drying up. She's not. 


 Julia's ex-boyfriend is at her party. Because they're BFFs. Everything this chick does is wrong. 
Every.
Single.
Thing.

 For some reason, Andrew decides to surprise Julia by showing up to the party, and Julia makes an enormous scene, rolling around on the floor, screaming. Please refer to the previous pic's caption.


 JP sings a song about Julia's 73-point checklist of what she's looking for in a man. Andrew meets none of the requirements, so I'm sure he's thrilled. Refer to above pics' captions re: her behavior. 


And Amy has a surprisingly nice date with this dude. He's not gonna get any action though, much less a second date, I bet. Nice guys finish last, amirite?! 


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

quitter

I've got a bad habit of throwing in the towel as soon as something seems too difficult. Moderate difficulty -- OK, I can handle that, as long as the given task allows me to be what I inherently desire to be at least part of the time, which is passive and lazy. Even though being passive and lazy annoys me.

So anyway. Probably 10 minutes into the first kickboxing class I'd taken in maybe 10 years, I'd decided I was never coming back. The reasons for this were numerous and include: 1) I can't breathe. 2) I might vomit. 3) I might pass out. 4) The music is too loud. 5) It smells like feet in here. 6) There are too many people in here. 7) There is a 9-months-pregnant woman to my right who is doing this better than I am. I mean, everyone is doing this better than I am, including the woman two rows up who's probably 50 pounds heavier than me, but being shamed by a hugely pregnant woman is probably more than my fragile ego can handle.

At some point my vision began getting smaller and I couldn't catch my breath, so I stepped outside. Which is when I knew, for certain, this wasn't for me and I could never come back. A woman attending the next hour's class -- called "POWER," whatever that is -- eyed me with concern and told me to take it easy. I acted as though I wasn't certain I'd be having a heart attack in the next few minutes, and trudged back inside to take my place on the mat.

Life is full of little meaningful sayings that people enjoy reminding you of, including one that goes something like: Nothing worth doing is ever easy. This is one that I'm afraid is true. Which sucks because my life motto is something like: This is harder than I thought it would be. Some folks are workers; they can't sit still, they can't turn off their brains, they enjoy the constant push. I've always envisioned my ideal job as professional beach bum, if only there were such a thing. Kept woman, on the beach, perhaps? Sipping mai tais and reading novels.

So it's with a deep, mournful regret that I accept the fact that my desire to be thin and successful conflicts quite horribly with my desire to lie on the beach, drinking mai tais. It appears that I cannot, in fact, quit the horrendous kickboxing class, and that I will, in fact, need to put more effort into every single area of my life in order for my life to begin resembling a life I desire.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

bachelor pad: I can't do this

Did any of you watch this ... this tripe? With your dignity intact?

Because near the end I turned to my husband and said: "This show is so bad." And he says: "I hate it."

I find it difficult to care about the many, many idiots on this show. So I will "recap" last night's, but no guarantee on any future episode. I have more important things to do, like bang my forehead against the wall repeatedly.

All right. Here are the highlights. I'm not going to show, much less name everyone who's on this stupid-ass show, because I simply do not care.

 This was the best part of the entire episode, and it happened during the first five minutes (and this show is two hours, for some godforsaken reason that makes me want to break things). It's just Kalon thinking he's American Psycho or something. 
(May I suggest this music video if you're into American Psycho.)
Kalon says: "I'm pretty sure America hates me. ... I'm gonna ruin your fucking summer."
Not if I have anything to say about it, chump.


 In other news, Blakeley apparently waxes men's asses for a living now. 
Oh, also, she's still completely psychotic.



 It doesn't matter who this guy is because he already got eliminated. I just liked that he was watching The Bachelor in his pajamas while drinking wine. And that he's a SWAT guy. 


 Superfan slut named Donna. Eventually she's gonna hook up with Chris (bobblehead from Emily's season), after he hooks up with Blakeley and Jamie. There's nothing QUITE LIKE sloppy thirds, Donna. 


 Twins. Not cute. Superfans. 

Oh, also, I guess all the bachelor/bachelorette alums think they are famous or something? Because they're all perturbed about the show's superfans coming on and being all moon-eyed about being around the stupendous beauty that is washed-up reality show contestants?

Newsflash, douchebags! You were on a dating show! You are not famous! You are humiliating yourself on national television for a chance to win $250,000, which I feel is relative chump change where your dignity is concerned. Especially when I'm pretty sure Michael is just gonna win again. He's the only one in the house who seems to understand what is happening.

*deep breath*


 Will someone please help Lindzi with her goddamn makeup? 


 Ed getting hammered and explaining how Reid loved Jillian more than he did, which is supposed to make Reid look like an asshole?
I wasn't sure it was possible to dislike Ed more than I already did, but SURPRISE! It is. 
He confirmed that he cheated on Jillian. He said he wasn't ready to settle down and still isn't. So proposing to Jillian made lots of sense. 
Here's something for you to ponder: I think Ed is gay. BAM.


 I'm about to be mean again. How did this bitch get on the Bachelor?


 And what the HELL is Blakeley wearing?


 Idiot. 


 Don't ever wear that again. 


Don't ever wear that again. 

Basically, I cannot review this show without getting really ragey. Even Reid does not save this show because there are wayyyy too many assholes overpowering him. I can only continue watching if someone can promise me that at some point Reid knifes Ed in the face. 

Goodbye.