Tuesday, September 04, 2012

bachelor pad: would you like to ruin anything else I love?

IN THE BEGINNING, THERE WERE FOUR COUPLES LEFT.

And they were stupid.

 Nick's tattoo is that one Bible verse, "I can do all things through Christ," etc. The tattoo on his other bicep says, "Notorious." I don't think I need to make a joke about this right now.

There was a competition that was too stupid to discuss. Long story short, Chris and Sarah won again.


 Dry-hump celebration, woo!

Jorts FTW!

They got to kick off one couple. Chris' hatred of Blakeley won out over his friendship with Tony, so he eliminated Tony and Blakeley.

 SEE YA


 I hope I never see her on TV again. Anyway, in case you're wondering, the internet says they are still together and she is moving to Portland to be with him. 

Now comes the *fun* part.

By fun, I mean that Bachelor Pad took an excellent song and crapped all over it. I wonder if they would like to send their contestants to my favorite breakfast diner to shit all over the plates, too. Damned ruiners.

 Night Ranger, why hast thou sold thy soul to the devil?

For the next competition, the three remaining pairs have to sing duets of "Sister Christian." Which means we have to listen to varying crappified version of "Sister Christian" for an hour. I never want to hear it again.


 Nick and his other bicep. 


 If the competition had been for "best simulated on-stage sex," Ed and Jaclyn would have won. 




 If the competition had been "most on-stage epileptic seizures," Chris and Sarah would have won. 


 But Rachel and Nick won. 

Honestly, I fast forwarded a lot through the last half of this bull shit. 

Since they won, Nick and Rachel get to decide who to go to the finale with. Rachel wants to bring Ed and Jaclyn, because she and Jaclyn are best friends. Nick wants to bring Chris and Sarah because they're completely unlikable and will never get enough votes from former contestants to win. 

So they pick Chris and Sarah. 


 Chris is so entitled. Sarah is like: Wow you guys are stupid. 


 Whatever. 


 GOODBYE ED. GO AWAY NOW. 
Jaclyn is PISSED


 She's saying "It's fine," which as women know is code for "there are not enough curse words in the English language for how I feel right now."

Jaclyn says the friendship is off. I don't care. Goodbye.

Next week is the finale, FINALLY. There are some clips of Rachel yelling at someone and looking rather upset. There's a clip of Michael saying he didn't come on the show looking for a wife, so presumably he and Rachel are no longer dating. Chris Harrison calls it the "most shocking and most disturbing" Bachelor Pad finale ever, which isn't hard to do since it's only the third one ever.

You know what's shocking and disturbing?

This.


Jamie. 

I mean. 

Pick the giant earrings or the horrible headdress or the face jewels but not all of them. 

Or is the gypsy look in now? 

I could be wrong. 

Goodbye.




8 comments:

  1. so much to comment on, but im still laughing at the shocking and disturbing picture of jamie!!!! oh lord.

    and im actually pretty surprised tony and blakely are still together, i thought for sure she wasnt really into it.

    also, i had sister christian stuck in my head all night like a damn fool.

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    1. I am really surprised Blakeley and Tony are still together, too! But they are pretty much perfect for each other.

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  2. I'm going to feel like our friendship is over once this series ends because you and I have had so much ridiculousness in common this season.

    1. I hate the song Sister Christian and I'm surprised any of these underage fools even knew it. I bet Bachelor Pad was pumping it into the house 24/7 all week to get them primed.

    2. Nick has REALLY grown on me over this last episode. He's my favorite person, by far (not counting that slimy nerdbabe, Reid and the real life American Psycho, Kalon). He's really come out of his funny-shell. I want him and Rachel to win.

    3. At first I thought Sarah was pretty. But now I think she looks like a stroked out Mr. Potato Head. That's mean, I know. Also, she was dancing around on stage like Boyfriend's daughter, Pearl. Pearl is six, btw.

    4. Thank GOD Jaclyn is off the show. Now I don't have to cringe in extreme embarrassment every time she throws herself at Ed and he completely ignores the fact that she's even alive. Bless. She can do better. Btw- when she squeaked out her first line of the song and asked to start over, I roared with humiliated laughter. Then I rewound and played again. Like 5 times.

    5. As for the next episode, I'm calling bluff on BP's setup of Michael sounding like he's shitting all over Rachel. I bet it's going to be one of those "I don't come on here looking for a wife... but I did find a beautiful girl that I totally connected to." Reality shows love doing that kind of hoaky cliffhanger shit.

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    1. So I am just wondering if Nick and/or Rachel are going to try to screw each other over when they get the option to choose to share the money or bogart it. Perhaps that's what all this "most disturbing" nonsense is all about? You're probably right about Michael and Rachel. I should have see that one. :)

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  3. Jackln is so nasty!!

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  4. I tried to actually watch this the other night despite your warnings! My boyfriend turned it off after approximately .02 seconds.

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    1. Wise decision on his part. When I saw the recording in my queue and realized I'd have to watch & review it, I had a few choice words to say.

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