Tuesday, August 21, 2012

bachelor pad: "a domesticated man"

So a refresher:

Last week Chris' plan to get Blakeley voted out (even though she was his former teammate and in his alliance) backfired because -- go figure -- the other people in his alliance didn't want to vote out one of their members. So, key members of Chris' alliance -- Ed and Kalon -- lied and said they'd vote for Blakeley, but they ended up voting for Jamie.

Now Blakeley wants Chris and Sarah out this week, and Chris knows it, and that makes him mad so he does what he does best and throws a big man-baby tantrum.

First he confronts Kalon. Kalon admits later: "Really, I'm a liar."

Then he confronts Ed, and it soon becomes apparent that Chris and Ed's love affair is ending. 

 I love Tony's face in the middle. :)
And oh yeah, Chris is like, I'm a bitchy little baby, you lied to me, wah!

Then they have a competition called "The Great Fall of China." Har, har.

 Lindzi did not win this competition. Blakeley did, because Blakeley worked at Hooters for 13 years. I kid you not. 

 And then Blakeley coaches Tony and he wins, too. 
And Blakeley decides to take Tony on her date. 
So Tony gives his date-rose to Kalon.
So Kalon takes Lindzi on a date. 

 Come along, Buffy. 
I really wish Kalon was wearing an ascot here.

 Their date involves jewelry, a Bentley, and dinner on a bridge. 
"I don't know how I'm going to compete with this if I ever get to take you out on a date in real life," Kalon says to Lindzi. Awwwwwwwwwwww. 
And then he tells her he's "possibly, maybe" in love with her. Huh!
She calls him "funny, genuine, and kind."

 And then this happened. Ewww. 

 Chris believes Lindzi is trapped in Kalon's "spell." And then he begins to hatch an evil plan to vote Lindzi off as Kalon's punishment for disobeying his orders about voting Blakeley out. Got all that?

 Also still hooking up in the house are Michael and Rachel. 
They both say they are falling in love. Aww.
FYI the only ones not getting any play are Erica Rose and Nick. 
They should just hook up for the hell of it.

So now it's time for Tony and Blakeley's overnight date. Tony is stoked because he's into Blakeley, which is WEIRD. He says she's the hottest girl in the house. Kalon earns the Funniest Quote of the Episode award with: "I'm afraid she's just going to fuck him and bite his head off" like a preying mantis. 

Well, Blakeley is a leeeeetle bit intense.

 But BAM. Tony goes in for the kill and it's a great success.
She's all worried about her Lady Feelings, and he says: "I think you've been with the wrong dudes."
I totally love Tony this time around.

 Reminder: Chris is still half-heartedly hooking up with Sarah. 

 And Jaclyn is still way more into Ed than he is into her. 

Now it's time for Tony to become Blakeley's automaton (she calls him her domesticated man -- second-best Quote of the Episode Award), so he gives a rose to Jaclyn to save her from elimination. 

And then Chris Harrison waltzes in and is like Hey Jaclyn, Ed's totes not into you.

And Ed's like Yeah I'm not here for romance.

 Which is confusing, because she and Ed sleep in the same bed every night. 
So they sort of have a thing going on. 
But it's definitely NOT romance. 
Her feelings are justifiably hurt.
"I just feel, like, used. I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing if I didn't have some sort of feelings for you," she tells Ed.

And then Chris H is like Oh yeah and by the way you are all voting out one woman and that woman will pick which dude goes home. Toodles!

So they can't vote out Lindzi because I dunno why. And they can't vote out Sarah because she'll take out Michael. So they move in on Erica Rose.

Big mistake.

Erica Rose goes down kicking and screaming.

She takes Michael with her, telling him she now understands why his ex-fiance left him and got with a "real man" on the previous "Bachelor Pad," and she's glad he'll be out of the house because now everyone will be able to make their own decisions without "a tiny little man telling them what to do."

 Rachel is all butt-hurt that Michael is leaving. 
"There were a lot of things that were unsaid between us."
Um. He left the game show. He did not die. Say your unsaid things later. 

 Erica Rose. Is that botox or are you just apathetic to see me?

 Rachel, being a leeeeetle bit dramatic. 

Ed, hella drunk and about to light an oven mitt on fire. 

And now, because you've been so patient, here are some photos of Kalon and Lindzi that I stole off Kalon's instagram. Enjoy!

in santa barbara together

BTW in my internet travels I accidentally learned Lindzi is a size 2. I felt this was pertinent information.

Next week:

- Ed and Jac go on a date, he tells her he's pursuing some other chick at home. Whom I'm sure is totally cool with him hooking up with hella chicks on this show.

- Nick has to partner with "the widow," Rachel, whose dramatic antics are apparently going to continue. Joy!

til then ...


  1. im getting really used to reading these re-caps before i even watch the episodes now. and this post made me laugh out loud 3 times. (i laugh out loud at things i read almost never) you are so good at this and i love the bonus instagram pictures!! such a treat.

  2. Did you notice that in one of the date scenes (I think), they played that ridiculous song about love not coming easy blah, blah, blah, that former Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad Wes wrote!? I mean, come on. I think Wes played it for every girl he bagged on the show. Well played ABC, well played.

    1. I THOUGHT it was!! My husband actually mentioned that as we were watching it. What an odd choice of songs! hahahahah....

  3. Dude, the funniest line of the show was when Chris said "Blakey, why the long face?" I'm still laughing over that one.

    Kalon looks a little like a creppy(ier) version of Jude Law. I'd take it. But I would NOT wrap my legs around it on the hood of a car. That was super cheezeball.

    1. I didn't catch the "long face" joke until you mentioned it! hahaha...

      Yeah, Kalon is like Jude Law the Sociopath Version. And I was just embarrassed for Lindzi in that leg-wrapping situation ...