Tuesday, July 03, 2012

The Bachelorette, Ep. 8: Hometowns

So last night my husband says: Whatever you do, don't Google ******** (name blanked to protect you, dear reader). It was the name of one of the final Bachelorette contestants. And then I was like: WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT TO ME I WILL KILL YOU WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND SUNS.

Because I assumed that meant that particular person was the "winner." And I'd been trying very, very hard not to find out who the winner was. But then he told me what he'd read about this person and I was like: That is mysterious.

So I still don't know who the winner is, and my husband lives another day.


This week is the hometown dates. We spend eleven minutes on boring-ass recaps.

On Minute Twelve we get to Chris' hometown date. I love how everyone on the internet is trashing is wobbly head. He does have a prominent head wobble.

So it turns out Chris is Polish. He says he's a momma's boy (no shit?! We couldn't tell by that enormous tantrum you threw last week).

 Chris' dad. Seemed like a very nice guy. He approves of Emily. 
He tells Chris that Emily told him she's falling in love with him and I'm like Whaaaaaaaaat? Did I miss something? But Chris is over the moon when he hears this, of course.

Chris' mom advises him: "You may get hurt. If you really love this woman ... you've got to fight." Good advice!

 Chris' sister. She's skeptical.
It always creeps me out a little when the relatives somewhat resemble the Bachelor/Bachelorette.

 Here's some good body language for ya. 

Now it's time for my FAVORITE PART OF THE PROGRAM. Because: Jef.


They're on his family's beautiful ranch in Utah. I am choosing to ignore the whole Mormon problem, even though it's VERY difficult because I'm reading Under the Banner of Heaven right now.

He does say his family knows "I'm free-spirited and kind of do my own thing," which I take to mean: I'm not exactly Mormon.

 He takes her shooting and she pretends she doesn't know how to hold a shotgun. Well, being a good southern girl, Emily knows her way around a gun. She kills all the clay pigeons dead. 
"I just want her to hold a gun all day long," Jef giggles. Oh, Jefy. You're so silly.
I think this is her cutest hometown date outfit. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

Then she meets the mob that is his family. His sisters call him a hopeless romantic. Emily says she's willing to move anywhere (even Utah!) for the right guy. And she says she's falling in love with him. Yayyyyyyyyy!

And then he reads her this big old love letter and then I die. Normally I hate when the guys do this, but it was SO GODDAMN ADORABLE. "I've realized I'm completely in love with everything about you," he says. She says the letter is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to her. 

 I die again.

Now it's Arie's turn. Barf.

They're in Arizona. She says he looks "stupid hot" in his racing gear. He takes her for a ride. 

I just really hate his hands, you guys. I can't even explain it. 

Then they go to meet his family, who seem nice enough except for the part where they TALK ABOUT HER IN DUTCH WHILE SHE'S SITTING RIGHT THERE. Um. Hello. That is fucking rude. 

End of date. Sorry. Didn't care enough to discuss it more. 

Now it's Sean's turn. Oh, Sean. 

 He shows up with his two dogs at some park in Dallas. He takes her to meet his family, and they are probably the nicest family of all, aside from the un-funny tricks they play.

The first not-funny thing was when Sean said he still lives at his parents' house and then he showed her "his room," which looked like a pig sty, and then was like: Just kidding, I obviously don't live with my parents. The universe looks at him with dead eyes.

The next un-funny thing was when his dad pulled a baked armadillo out of the oven and said that was what was for dinner. And then was like Just kidding!




The most important part of this date was the kissing. I am sorry but he has got to be a bad kisser, right? 

 Half the time he's stiff-lipping her with this weird, frozen lip thing, and the other half his tongue is out and literally shaking. I am so creeped out. 


Not to shock anyone, but Chris gets the old heave-ho. He's a big baby about it. She tells him their relationship didn't move fast enough. He says: "How much faster could it possibly move? I told you I loved you!" 

Dude. Newsflash: All the guys have told her they love her. 

In the car on the ride home he says "I'm 10 times the man of all those dudes who are still there." I am genuinely curious why he thinks this. 


Next time: they're going to the Caribbean. I believe these are the overnight dates ... things are about to get very sexy. 

Til then!


  1. Bummer. It would be a much better story if the guy actually did live at home with his parents.