I spend each episode yelling WHAT ARE YOU DOING? over and over and over. So I wasn't sure how that was gonna translate to a blog post.
But I figured I'd give it a shot today.
This is Amy. She's a matchmaker who lives in New York.
I'd be willing to watch an hour of just her making different facial expressions.
We'll get back to her in a minute.
This is Julia. She writes a dating column for Elle magazine. She lives in LA.
She has a 73-point checklist she'd like her potential mate to meet. Sounds reasonable.
Here she's visiting a witch to exorcise her dating demons, which are numerous and formidable.
Julia is talking about this dude William she went on a date with. He was pretty cold on the date and hasn't called her, and as everyone knows aloofness is like honey to flies for the love-desperate.
I'm yelling: He's just not that into you! But she doesn't seem to hear me, so instead she's making a little man out of play-doh, giving the little man all her bad qualities, and then shoving him in a tiny wooden coffin that she will later bury. MAKES SENSE.
Here is Julia's roomie, JP. JP is very pretty, and I love that her name is JP. JP thinks it is a bad idea for Julia to call William, and I could not agree more.
But she does.
And he's cold and aloof (irresistible!) on the phone.
But they set up a date to go horseback riding and wine tasting, which sounds like the worst possible date and the best possible date combined into one.
This is Julia's "Oh my god that was awkward" face after she hangs up with William, who sounded like he couldn't give two shits that she called.
Now back to matchmaker Amy, who is somehow friends with ....
Lorenzo! Do you guys remember Lorenzo from The Bachelor? He's an Italian prince!
He lives in New York now.
Since his time on The Bachelor, he's been involved in a number of embarrassing television shows, including dating shows in other countries.
He's obviously one of these dudes who will never settle down.
Still, I like him, and I think he has good advice.
Amy is telling Lorenzo about this dude Lewis that she's into. Problem is he hasn't called her (a running theme on this show!!), but has been texting her. Lorenzo wants to know how old he is. She admits Lewis is only 28. Ding ding ding! All the chicks on this show are in their mid-30s. They should not be dating dudes in their 20s. That's a little wisdom from me to you.
"Why don't you text him and tell him, 'Lewis, I've moved on,'" Lorenzo suggests, tongue-in-cheek.
Back to Julia. William has arrived for their date, which means she's dialed the volume up on her shrieking. She does this weird screamy-shriek thing? I think because she's nervous? But it's pretty much the worst thing ever.
Julia's hired a limo to drive them to the horseback riding thing.
William has some interesting body language going on here. He's basically saying: "You will never see, touch, smell, or taste my penis, ever."
William tells some boring stories about getting drunk, and Julia acknowledges in an interview later that the dude is boring. He is one of these guys who feels that stories about his high tolerance for alcohol are awesome, to which I must say: That was awesome when I was 23. Now I'm in my 30s. I want to drink a couple glasses of wine and go to bed.
Julia makes an awful joke about how William was going to propose and I yell WHAT ARE YOU DOING. Everyone looks uncomfortable. The cowboy seems into her, though. I think she should date him, instead.
Ok, finally, finally, finally, we get to Emily.
Oh god, you guys. Seriously. The parts with Emily make me really queasy.
Emily is a "sex expert." She lives in San Francisco and has a radio show called "Sex with Emily."
She's somehow been convinced by one of her polyamorous guests to assist him at a kissing workshop he's giving.
This is Reid. I shudder. I shudder much.
Ew. Ewwwww. What makes this dude the authority on kissing? And also: Do you not get major creepy vibes from him right off the bat??
Emily says this is not the weirdest thing she's done. She once went to an "orgasmic meditation retreat" where they massaged her clit all weekend. I mean seriously. These things apparently exist.
"I get twitchy when I get turned on," Reid tells her. I gag. He's literally twitching. I am so disgusted. He is the most disgusting person I have seen in some time. And MY BIG WHITE BUTT he twitches when he's turned on. He twitches for attention. I'm not buying the twitching story is what I'm saying.
The kissing workshop ends and she accepts his invitation for a drink at a bar. I yell WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
Back to Julia. She and Boring William have been drinking wine and now they are drunk drunk drunk. She's doing her shrieky scream. I yell STOP.
They get back in the limo to drive home while drinking more wine. She says, "I feel myself slipping into 'Aggressive Julia.'"
She asks him to kiss her. I yell WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
(A little background here: In a previous episode, she did almost this exact same thing with a different dude who refused to kiss her. I was highly humiliated on her behalf and had hoped she'd learned to never, ever do this again)
He says "Later." She asks a little more forcefully and then finally he does kiss her and then she acts VERY weird and horrible and says things like "Geez, what's a girl gotta do to get a kiss around here," and I yell STOP.
He leaves for the evening without giving her a kiss and she asks "Are you gonna see me again." He goes: "Ummm .................. yeah." Which means NO I HATE YOU.
Meanwhile, Lewis has finally called Amy. She's perturbed, but agrees to go salsa dancing with him.
Emily and Reid are discussing relationships. "I don't know what I'm looking for or what I'm doing." See a THERAPIST! Not THIS GUY. Gah.
Emily is really not into monogamy, and huh! Wouldn't you know, neither is Reid. In fact, he and his girlfriend Alison have an open relationship. Emily should go to his place and talk with them about their relationship! Right?! Yes, in Opposite Land! We all see where this is going, right?!
(BTW I do not "buy" open relationships, just like I do not "buy" Reid twitching disgustingly when he gets turned on. If you want to fuck other people, be a playboy like Lorenzo and sleep around like an honest whore.)
Back to Amy. She's getting ready for salsa dancing with Lewis so she calls Lorenzo to ask what she should wear. He fills her in that salsa dancing is very sexy, which she apparently didn't know?
She's appalled, I guess?
Lorenzo's saying: I have a gut feeling that it's not going to work out. When a woman's friends tell her stuff like this, it's like they may as well be saying the opposite thing.
The woman is gonna dive in head first because she knows she shouldn't.
And now Amy gets on Lewis' case for not texting her for two days.
Lewis kinda looks like Michael Phelps, right?
Anyway, it's not a big deal. They hug and make up, and then they dance and kiss and it's all good. Amy ends up having the most normal week of any of the girls.
OH GOD now it's back to Reid.
Emily and Reid in Reid's "love den." GAG. Emily calls it "very San Francisco," because there's no furniture, just disgusting rugs and sheets and pillows everywhere, but I'mma call it "very Berkeley."
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand here is Reid's girlfriend, Alison, explaining that they have threesomes about once a month.
Of course she doesn't mind bringing an extra woman into the bed BECAUSE SHE'S A LESBIAN. My only question is: why is this otherwise respectable lesbian living with this disgusting guy?!
Oh, wait, I have another question: Who the FUCK is having threesomes with these two?!
Now for the moment we all knew was coming. Reid is lying on his back in his putrid love den and says: "I was thinking I would like to ask you if you would like to have sex today."
And Emily's face looks like this. "You were just thinking that?" she asks.
"I don't think I'm feeling that."
"Most people would have left 25 minutes ago," she acknowledges later, and I'm like MOST PEOPLE WOULD NEVER EVER EVER HAVE TOUCHED REID WITH A 10 FOOT POLE DUDE.
ESCAPE. RUN. GO. DO NOT STOP. DO NOT LOOK BACK. RUN.
Back at Julia's, she's nursing a hangover and trying to finish her column while JP cooks a nasty looking egg-white omelet with spinach.
Ugh. And look at all those diet books!! That's a kitchen, not a torture chamber! Sheezus.
And Julia decides that now that she's royally fucked up her date with William, she will put on her sexy virgin sacrifice dress and finally go bury her tiny coffin.
She tried throwing it into the ocean a few times, but yeah. Wood floats.
So she finally buried it in the sand.
And back at Emily's, she cuddles with her dog, Daisy, while talking with a NORMAL guy, David, who wants to come visit her from Michigan. Girlfriend needs to get over her aversion to monogamy and just snag this one.
That was exhausting.