Tuesday, July 17, 2012

bachelorette: the men tell all

Wow, that was boring. As expected. So this will be brief.

Now for starters they want us to know the finale will be on Sunday so that they can air the surely abhorrent new season of Bachelor Pad next Monday night. Super. All I can say is that if The Bachelorette interferes with Breaking Bad or True Blood, The Bachelorette is not gonna win that fight on the DVR.

So "The Men Tell All" turns out to be more of "The Men Continue To Bitch About The Same Old Shit." I spent much of the episode yawning and groaning in boredom.

The most interesting part of the whole episode was the preview for Bachelor Pad. So let's talk about that instead.

I don't remember most of these people's names or what season they were on and I'm going to make zero attempt to find out before this piece of crap show airs. 

 Blakely? Maybe? Who knows. She's crying. She has a sweet new finger tattoo.

 No idea. She looks like a Russian hooker. 

 Oh, no I think this one might be Blakely. Or maybe Jamie? 
I love how emotional everyone gets on Bachelor Pad.

 I know who this motherfucker is!!!
It's Ed. 
He cheated on Gillian, ya'll. 
He is scum. 

 Jamie, I think? So apparently she hooks up with Chris? 

 Yeah, this Chris. Weird, I know. And he also hooks up with Blakely, whichever one she is. Also weird. But he says he's got another girl in his back pocket. We'll see. I'm a little concerned about the mental health of everyone involved.

 This dude. Michael, maybe? His ex humiliated him on the last Bachelor Pad by getting engaged to some other douche who was on the show. 

 Lindzi, I believe. I always thought she looked like Marcia Brady. My husband thinks Ed looks like Greg Brady. It'd be funny if they hooked up, but apparently Lindzi likes KALON. Yes, that Kalon. 

 Erica is back. She'll probably be the best thing about this show. 
Remember last season when the men voted her least attractive? 
That was harsh.

 I guess when the opportunity to bring in blonde twins arises, one must seize it. These are superfans.

 Another superfan.

 Another superfan. 

 Another superfan? No idea. Nice boobs.

 See, here's Kalon and Lindzi out to dinner. Weird couple. 

 No idea. 

 And here is Reed calling Ed out on the first night for cheating on Gillian. 
I love Reed. Always have. 
Gillian should have picked him instead. 

Even with that tank top.

Ok, now back to boring times. Here's the scoop.

 Everyone fucking LOVES Sean. He's got to be the next Bachelor, right? 

 Wolfie wore pink pants, so that was fun. Alessandro looks drunk. Doug looks dubious.

 Kalon is still a douche. 
Surprising, I know. 

 Ryan is still a douche, too. 

 Chris is still a douche, as well. 

 But the ladies in the audience love them some Sean. 

 Sean says he still has very strong feelings for Emily. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Too bad he's a crappy kisser. 
It makes me sad. 

Wish I'd gotten a pic of all the men when Emily walked out, looking amazing as usual. 
It was like in cartoons when the characters' eyes turn into throbbing hearts. 
They are all still hella whupped on her. 
And none of them were like "I can't believe you dumped me!"
They were all like "You made me believe in love again!"
It was weird. 

And yeah, she had to give Kalon the smackdown again, blah blah blah he is gay.

That is all. I guess I'll recap Sunday's finale on Monday. Til then!


  1. Ed cheated on Gillian?!! Well that was the last season I watched. I'm not surprised, and even more convinced that I won't be watching again.

    1. But you have to watch Reed kick Ed's ass!! hahahahaah...

  2. What is this "Bachelor Pad" you speak of? Am I going to like it simply because it's trashy if I've never seen a season of "The Bachelor/ette"? Or is it going to be like trying to watch "Real World" for the first time on, like, season 28?

    1. Yeah I kind of think it will be like trying to watch "Road Rules" or whatever that nonsense is where they get a bunch of those idiots together to binge drink and compete for stuff. Being "in the know" about these numbskulls' past relationships is what makes it the slightest bit entertaining to watch. :)

  3. omg i was devestated when jillian didnt pick reed when he flew back to hawaii with his ring he bought himself! i have loved him always too. cant wait to see this. but i thought he was in a longtime relationship with some miss usa girl. guess thats dunzo.

    im weirded out by lindzi and kalon. if she fell for ben, kalon has got to be the complete and total opposite.

    1. I'm sure we'll be hearing more about Reed's current relationship status. :)

      And actually, I dunno. Ben was a douche, and so is Kalon so ... maybe she likes douches!

  4. I totally missed the Jillian season since I was living in Sweden then :-( He cheated on her?

    I find it totally odd and frustrating that there are so many career Bachelor/ette contestant who never do anything else in life other than remind people they were on the Bachelor/ette. Like the Real World/Road Rules Challenge folks. Ugh.

    1. Rumor is he cheated ... we'll probably hear more about that, too. It sucks because I liked him initially.

      It does sound like a ton of these former "contestants" just make a living off of being former contestants. Very strange.

  5. I have no earthly idea what these shows are like, except from your ramblings here. Would it be too awkward for us to go out for a drink? I have a feeling we'd end up falling off our chairs from laughing.

  6. blah blah blah he is gay.....ROFLOLOLOL!