The Bachelorette, Ep. 5: Hood rat

Ok -- I won't bury the lede.

My opinion is it's Jef all the way. I said it from Day 1, and Imma keep saying it. I'm calling Final 2: Arie and Jef. No. 3 will probably be Sean.

(BTW I'm not reading spoilers and if you are, keep your lip zipped)

Let's get down to business. There are 10 men left at the beginning of the episode.

Sean gets the first one-on-one.

 Despite sounding ill, Emily shows up with a smile and these hot platform heels. 

I wish I was skinny so I could wear heels without crippling myself.

 They go on a hugely boring tour of London (not because London's boring, but because their chemistry is so white-bread). Emily tells Sean that usually guys who look like him are boring, but he's not. Um, yeah he kinda is. He gets up at Speakers' Corner and gives some embarrassing-ass speech about love and I want to die for him. Like, he should want to die of embarrassment right now. 

They have dinner in the Tower of London and are altogether way too unimpressed with their surroundings. I would be having major nerd-gasms all over London. Her voice sounds like she's dying. Someone send this woman to bed with some tea. Sean says he's open to lots of kids. 

And his kisses finally start to look a little less sterile. 

 Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Jef wants a one-on-one date because he's only been on group dates. Kalon says if Jef is the last man standing, every day will be like a group date because her daughter Ricky will always be there. Oh, no he di'-nt. Anyway, Jef finds out via his exclusion from the group date that he will be having a one-on-one, finally.

 Time for the group date at Stratford-upon-Avon. The significance of this place is lost on all these morons. Emily sounds like death but is wearing some kick ass shoes. 

The men find out they're going to perform scenes from Romeo & Juliet. Arie proceeds to freak the hell out. He acts like he's never even heard of Romeo & Juliet, much less the words "poultice," and "jaunt." These are not fictional words, my friend. Read a book sometime.

 Here, Kalon is telling Emily to "run along" because he needs to practice. 

 She thinks Kalon needs to lighten up. Ya think? 

 Arie calls this his "worst nightmare," and says "fuck my life." Seriously? Your worst nightmare is acting in a play? My worst nightmare is being dropped out of an airplane while scorpions swarm over my body, but that's just me. 

 Doug is a hella good sport. He says "I am going to be the best damn woman I can be." 

 Arie is one ugly woman. He finally shuts up and gets it done. And for the record, I sort of hate him now. Or still. More on that later. 

 Ryan finally gets a kiss. Barf. He kisses her twice. Travis (ostrich egg guy) says he doesn't think Shakespeare would have liked that, and he doesn't think Emily liked it, either. 

Then they head out for beers at Cox's Yard. Heh.

Ryan gives her a necklace and she's shocked as hell.

Kalon's getting impatient as he waits "to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting for her." Kalon's been talking crap about Ricky all week. He says something directly to Arie, and since Arie is a giant pussy, instead of handling it like a man he goes and tells Doug. Doug rolls up his sleeves and takes care of business. He confronts Kalon and then tells Emily. And Emily goes all "West Virginia, back-woods, hood-rat on his ass" and tells him to ....

 Get the fuck out. 

OH. And as he's trying to explain himself, she tells him: "I love to hear you talk, but not until I'm done." Oh, girl. You are sort of my hero right now. Way to use that dickhead's words against him.

 Kalon's mom was a single mom when she raised him, so his aversion to single mothers is a little odd. Unless you consider the fact that he's gay, in which case then it makes total sense. 

And then, boosting my opinion of her even more, Emily tells the guys she's disappointed in them for not having her back (ARIE) and she refuses to give out a date rose.

Then, finally, Emily and Jef get a one-on-one date. Except it's the most irritating one-on-one date on the face of the planet, with some etiquette expert named Jean yapping at them about how to properly consume a scone.

 "Jean ... I ... just have ... Jean. I just have Jean."

I about died laughing at this point.

Please, someone, for the love of god, autotune this.

Emily says she's ready to "get the hell out of here," so they do. They grab a beer at a pub and Jef says if Ricky is baggage, then she's a designer handbag that should be kept forever. Awwwwww. Then they head off for dessert in the London Eye. And I am pretty sure I see sparks fly when their eyes meet. I see chemistry here, dudes. Like a lot.

 And then he FINALLY kisses her. Sheesh. 

He calls it "definitely, definitely the most anticipated kiss of my life." I die.

Then it's time for the cocktail party. Emily grills the men about having her back. Arie is shaking in his boots, and rightly so.

 Emily says of Ryan: "He's so smooth, he thinks he can get any girl, and here I am falling for it." Which: barf.

And then Alejandro gets sent home. Noooooooooooo! I really like this kid, but yeah. He needed to make a move. 

Here's the order names were called at the rose ceremony:

Doug (for stepping up like a man), Ryan (gross), Chris, John (Wolfie!), Travis, and Arie (for being a pussy).

Next time, we go to Croatia, and someone who's "just in it for the competition" is gonna get smoked. Ryan? Ya think?

Til then.