Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Bachelorette, Ep. 3 -- Who's gonna be mah baby daddy?

So, before I launch into my recap, two things:

1. I am much more impressed with Emily than I expected to be. She doesn't tolerate bullshit, and she's uncompromising about getting what she wants and needs from the man she chooses. So far.

2. This season is hella boring.

Moving right along.

Chris gets the first one-on-one date. They climb a wall, eat dinner, and listen to another country band I've never heard of. She keeps telling him how cute he is and how there's no one she'd rather be there with. 

She also finds out he's only 25, which is worrisome to her. 
Rightly so. Not too many 25-year-olds are ready to be a daddy to a 7-year-old.

 But, he says: "I know I'm young ... But I'm a man." Which I kinda liked. 
And she must've, too, because she gave him the first kiss of the season. 
He gets the date rose and gets to stick around for a little while.

 Emily headed toward her group date. I really hated this outfit. 

A bunch of Emily's mommy-friends teamed up and grilled the men, who were all super nervous.

 Jef. Unfortunately, I think my top choice is sliding. 
He really needs to put the moves on her if he's going to hang around. 

 New big contender: Sean. 
Here he's charming Emily's snarky friend, Wendy, just before he takes off his shirt and does pushups. 
He ends up getting the group date rose.

Then a bunch of kids run in and the men play with them in what amounts to the Worst. Date. Ever. Ryan, who is a douche, tells Emily he wouldn't be OK with it if she got fat. Even if it's true, YOU NEVER SAY IT, idiot! 

 Doug emerges as one of Emily's friends' favorites. He tells Emily about how his mom was a deadbeat who abandoned the family, and his dad died, leaving he and his sister to foster care. 
Aw geez, Doug!! I totally love this guy.

 Then Tony is a big crybaby because he misses his son, so Emily sends him home. 

 And Michael and Jef look a little too close for comfort. 

Next up is a one-on-one date with Arie, who I still think is a nice guy but seriously dude, another race car driver? I just am not sure it's a good idea ...

 Also, not a huge fan of what's going on on top of his head. 

Emily says: "I've built Arie up in my mind so much that I really hope he doesn't disappoint me." She's got high hopes for this one.

 They go to Dollywood and Dolly Parton surprises them and sings them a sweet song she wrote just for them. 
Emily almost poops her pants. 
I would have bawled like a baby; I inexplicably adore Dolly Parton. 

 Emily pretends she's going to cut Arie and he looks flabbergasted. But then she gives him the rose. Har, har. Yawwwwwn.

 And then Arie gets the second kiss of the season and it is WAY hotter than the kiss with Chris. 

We now think Arie is going to win this thing. Just a hunch. I swear I am not reading spoilers.

Now it's time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony.

 Aaaaand Kalon is still uber gay. Here he's doing his "girlfriend, Imma ignore you for a while, but totes JK," move while showing wayyyy too much ankle. A Dallas native who doesn't wear sock with his loafers? We also think he's had lip injections. 
Then he proceeds to talk over her for a while, and when she tries to get a word in edgewise he says: "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish."

 The phrase "open mouth, insert foot" was coined for the likes of Alessandro, who calls Little Ricki a "compromise." Emily says she wants the man she chooses to see Ricki as "the biggest bonus ever" and Alessandro says he doesn't see it that way. He also admitted to her friends that he'd cheated (on his cousin. Yes, he was dating his cousin), and had a one-night-stand. 

Emily doesn't even wait for the rose ceremony; she sends him packing immediately, much to his shock.

Arie swoops in to comfort her, and slip her the tongue, and then Sean swings by and mouths all the right things about being a father, which she eats right up before engaging in a lackluster liplock.


Poor little Stevie gets eliminated and looks kind of upset about it. 
Personally I think she should have eliminated that bitch, Kalon, or that dickhead, Ryan, but I suppose the producers asked her to keep them around for shits and giggles. 

Other stuff:

- Jef was called first in the rose ceremony. There may be hope for him, yet.
- Who is Nate? Just wonderin'.
- John, aka "Wolf," was a bit unconvincing when he said "no" after Emily's friends asked if he'd ever cheated.
- Ryan called Arie "dainty." This coming from a man who spends god knows how much time perfecting that perpetual 5 o'clock shadow and jacked up hairdo.
- Next time they're going to Bermuda. See you then.


  1. well i just read this before i watched the episode. damn you and your awesome re-caps! and yes i agree, kalon is gay.

    1. Awwww .... didn't mean to spoil it for you! Kalon = the gayest.

  2. Tony looks like Steve Carell.

  3. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot by not watching The Bachelor/ Bachelorette. I've TRIED to make myself watch, but I.JUST.CAN'T.DO.IT.

  4. Anyone who doesn't love Dolly has a cold, black heart. Did you see Alessandro's uber creepy recap of dating his cousin at the very end?! Eek!