Friday, April 06, 2012

What

There's some kind of shift happening in my brain and I haven't been able to put my finger on what it is or why it's happening.

I'm normally easily entertained, but of late I've found myself sighing with impatience through TV programs that would usually keep my attention. I've quit playing Words With Friends and Draw Something -- two games I'd felt hopelessly addicted to until one moment, mid-game, when I just thought to myself: I am so fucking tired of this.

I've lost patience with tons of the blogs in my reader and I deleted hundreds of them one day, on a whim. Hundreds. And I don't miss them. And I don't know why.

I've considered deleting my Facebook and Twitter accounts ... I think about it a few times every day. How freeing that would feel. Most of the things I read on Facebook are useless and mind-numbing, if not completely irritating. My blog seems tiresome and old, kind of like me. I have no compulsion to delete it, but it's on my shit list.

I don't sleep well, and I can't lie in bed for longer than eight hours, or my bones begin to hurt. If I don't feel the sun on my skin at some point during the day I feel slightly neurotic.

I think about how much I annoy myself and how much I'd like to take most of my possessions and throw them in a dumpster. 

I started journaling again with brutal honesty. This person has hurt me and I can't stand them right now. That person should slap himself in his own face. I'm not worried about some theoretical person finding my journal some day and being like, Wow, Grandma was kind of a bitch. I'm not trying to explain to someone who the people I'm writing about are.

And despite all that, I don't feel unhappy. I think the apt word would be restless. Have you ever simply felt you were supposed to be doing something different, somewhere else? I feel like I forgot something very, very important, and I just can't remember what it was. Maybe I am supposed to live in the woods or maybe I'm supposed to live on the beach. Maybe I am supposed to go back to school. Maybe I am supposed to get an MRI. Maybe I should have a farm, or a vineyard, or maybe I should raise pigs. Or become a vegan or that person who drives the zamboni at the ice rink.

The way I think about myself is not how others think of me; I know. I wonder if I have inherited a short fuse or wanderlust. I wonder why I want to wear hippie clothes and turquoise jewelry. I wonder where my will power went or maybe it didn't; maybe I did this on purpose. I wonder if I am a know-it-all. I consider what others must say when I'm not in the room. I consider that they may say nothing; I don't speak much. I won't interrupt you. I look like many people. I blend. Maybe I disappear.

I consider how irritating introspection can be. I apologize. I wonder if I am a people-pleaser. I wonder if I care.

9 comments:

  1. well at least you don't feel unhappy. i think you should try acupuncture.

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  2. Yowser. I've felt this way.

    I don't have any ideas or tips or recommendations for you. It doesn't feel to me like that's what you're looking for. But I hear you. [internet hug]

    (Also, totally not afraid to admit that I hope my lame-ass-rarely-updated blog made the cut!)

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  3. Sounds kinda like depression, which has symptoms similar to this, even though you might not feel unhappy. I feel as you've described quite often.

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  4. I'm with Wandering Coyote. As I read this, you sound like I did a number of years ago when I was in the midst of a depression. But who knows, maybe I'm only seeing what is familiar to me and has nothing at all with what you are experiencing?

    I say, delete everything if you feel like it. You can always reactivate it. Or you could just ignore all of the social media. Then it's there for you when / and / or if you want it back.

    Everybody needs a break once in a while.

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  5. Can you go somewhere? To Paris? Tanzania? It could be depression, I spose, but it could also be that you need some fresh perspectives on your life that can be gained easily by traveling somewhere else.

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  6. Oh my internet friend. I feel like I want to come up there and give you a big hug.

    Step away from the online world if you need (I'll miss you, but understand!). And, I'm gonna say I agree with Wandering Coyote & Mandy_Fish. There may be something deeper, even without feeling unhappy. (But I just went to therapy today, so maybe I'm just talking about me.)

    Whatever it is, I hope you figure it out. I want you to be settled and at peace (gah, that sounds so cheesy). (Ok, I'm done with parentheses now).

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  7. Hey sweets. It sounds like what I went through awhile ago. You're listless, but not unhappy. Can't concentrate, but not unhappy. Tired but not unhappy. And all of a sudden, it hits you. You are unhappy. Horribly unhappy and you don't know why and all you want to do is crawl in bed wearing your frumpiest sweater and hide from the world. And you can't breathe, and you're heart is trying to pound its way through your chest, and you're just anxious all the time. Like you're waiting for something to drop on your head at any minute and ohmygod why hasn't it just dropped already?

    But that was me. I'm hoping its not you. Because it sucks.

    Don't be afraid to ask for help. Or to take a break. Or tell people that you need something. xoxo

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  8. Girl - I am EXACTLY where you are right now. I am jealous though because you aren't unhappy. That is my struggle right now...xoxo

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  9. I am so restless right now I feel like I am constantly twitching. I am wondering if it's because I have grown so attached to my phone. Or because I have a toddler who also has NO attention span...

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