Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Silence is golden

For May, I am quitting Facebook.

I'm really looking forward to the experiment. There's a bit of a cliche about facebook -- that it makes you hate your friends, and like people you barely know. I think that's true to an extent. Somewhere along the way, we all forgot it was pretty much anything but normal to share your fervent political leanings with a crowd consisting of the stoner you went to high school with and barely knew, your mother, your co-workers, and your ex-boyfriends.

And believe me, I get the irony. Ho boy, do I get it. I overshare on my blog nearly every day. The difference is if you're reading this, you've chosen to come here and read it. And sure, you choose to visit Facebook, too, but I feel Facebook used to be a sort of safe haven where most people were fairly polite. Now it's just gone haywire. I've hidden updates from nearly half my "friends" because I simply can't stand what they have to say most of the time. Most of the posts I read now are from NPR, my sister, bloggers I've never met, and the hippie dippy web sites I follow.

And I am a huge proponent of free speech. Please, say what you want in whatever forum you like. I just wonder if Facebook is really the proper forum and if we're not alienating our closest friends by being so "connected."

And I know it's a bit trite to create yet another list of "Top 10 Most Annoying Facebookers," but I simply cannot stop myself. If it's any consolation, I don't have 10 -- I have eight. Ha.

So in no particular order, here are the top offenders I look forward to ignoring for the entire month of May. Scream into a black abyss, ya bastards!!

1. Political posts. Look. I am a Democrat. I'm sure I've alluded to that fact in some of my own Facebook updates because I want to Save the Strawberries and rid the world of BPA. But I am not some kind of political expert just because I minored in poli sci and I read the newspaper every day. No, not an expert, just another asshole with an opinion. And you know what they say about those. Whatever your political leanings, I don't give a shit. I just wish you'd shut up about it already. And if you ever post anything about abortion, whether pro or con, your ass is grass. I will hide all your updates with lightning speed and several violent clicks of my mouse.

2. Religious posts. So you love your god, and he (she? ha) loves you. Or you've become an atheist. This is really super. I presume this has brought you happiness. I have my own opinions about god and religion and guess where I'm not talking about them. On Facebook! Just as I do not discuss religion with my friends because -- hello, awkward! -- I choose not to broadcast my beliefs to every person I've ever met and friended on Facebook. Consider it! It's not a novel idea, I swear.

3. People who use their personal accounts strictly to promote a business they work for. What. The. Hell.

4. Vaguebookers. Go straight to hell. Sorry, I mean, you poor dear, what is wrong?!?! Please tell me. Please?? Pleaaassse? Lookie here, vaguebookers. I'm guessing Mommy never gave you the attention you were starving for, and now you're looking for it from, well, every single person you know. Stop embarrassing yourself.

5. Negative posts. These people hate everything, everywhere, everyone, at every moment in time, since forever and ever, Amen. They have nary a positive word for the world to read. They make me feel like there is a black sore festering in my stomach that I'd like to vomit out. Was that graphic enough for you? I just can't handle these people.

6. And vice versa -- positive posts. Everything is wonderful, everywhere, with everyone, at every moment in time. It always has been and always will be. Sunshine and rainbows and cupcakes and no cellulite for eternity, Amen. Falling under this bracket are people who are compelled to list their accomplishments of the day. Few things make me more crabby than reading about inane everyday accomplishments. God bless my friends that do this. I love them but holy hell I will stab you.


7. Vote for such-and-such posts. Feck off with your vote-for-my-third-cousin-once-removed posts. I will never vote for that strange baby. I will never vote for your friend's sister. I will never vote for Mitt Romney. I will, however, hide the hell out of your updates, again with much vigorous mouse-clicking.

8. Sports posts. Oh my god you are not ESPN. If I wanted to know about some awesome play, or the score, I'd fucking watch the game. There's a reason I am not watching, ya douche. I pretty much hate all sports, unless the Niners are playing, in which case, post away. Yes, this is hypocritical of me, but life is full of hypocrites and I'm no exception.

There are so many others, but they're so stupid they don't deserve their own categories. People who post strictly music videos. People who post disgusting photos/links/videos that will disturb the hell out of me for two weeks. People who complain openly about relationships they are in with other people who I assume are also their Facebook friends (passive aggressive much?). People who only post exercise updates (I will kill you). People whose updates literally make no sense, ever.

And look -- I am guilty of every one of the above transgressions. And I am sorry. And if you are my friend and you do these things, first of all cut that shit out, but secondly, I do love you. But I am gonna love you a whole lot more in May.


17 comments:

  1. I'm totally stealing this and am abstaining for the month of May, too! I sort of HATE Facebook and really only keep it anymore in case someone tries to contact me. Who knew social media could make you hate the ones you love so much?

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    1. Yes!! Let's start a movement. Also I seriously hate when people message me through facebook. Whatever happened to email?! I never get email anymore. Related: I am old.

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  2. Facebook bugs the crap out of me. The only reason I check it is with the shallow hope that someone cool has tagged me or "liked" me and I can feel good about myself again.

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    1. Ha!! No one ever tags me or likes me. I'm highly unlikable. All the more reason to ditch the thing. :)

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  3. (Wondering how long it took Erin to "hide" me on Facebook. Probably about 20 minutes. Maybe less.)

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    1. So here's another irritating thing about Facebook: I HAVEN'T hidden your updates, but it's not SHOWING me them!! What the hell, facebook.

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    2. Erin, I think I know why this is happening: I only get things in my "newsfeed" from my ... special friends. The ones that I changed to "Besties" or whatever FB calls it these days. The ones with a gold star by their name. I'm not making this up. If you have me--or anyone else--on "aquaintance" status, you may have to look at the dreaded Timeline of Lisa (I hate Timeline) to see what I've--or anyone else has--posted. And Mark Zuckerberg cares not one whit whether or not we like his new and improved Facebook.

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  4. eek i feel this is the way i tweet!

    im not on facebook and never was, i dont really know how that happened. i was on myspace and then got off when it turned into a ghetto. sometimes i feel like im missing out but i know i would waste A TON of time on it. also, i hear about what my friends post by what my mom complains about. haha.

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    1. Ok you are my hero for not being on Facebook. I goaded one of my friends into getting on facebook last year and now I feel terrible for it. Also, you do NOT tweet this way!! And if you did, it totally wouldn't matter because 1) You only have 140 characters 2) I follow more than 400 people so more than one of my twitter friends' updates is constantly getting lost in the mayhem of constant updating.

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  5. at first i deactivated my account. last month i completely deleted it. it was the best decision i ever made. strangely, i feel more connected to me, to life and to my friends. i'm excited for you.

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    1. The thought of deleting it altogether scares and excites me at the same time. Like, I feel like I might as well move to a desert island. Isn't that insane? I may change my tune by the end of May. :)

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  6. But ... but ... MY political opinions are all the RIGHT political opinions!!

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  7. I am totally stealing "Vaguebookers" and plan to use it on someone(s).

    I also hate when family wars are hashed out on Facebook. Have some fucking sense and call your Momma when you are mad at her. Do not go on a stupid tirade on her FB showing the world what an asshole her child is.

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    1. Yup! It's pretty immature and senseless.

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  8. I love it when people post something that they are doing and end it with lol. Like, "I'm paying bills online in my pajamas! Lol!" That's really not a lol situation. Think before you lol.

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  9. I can't stand the ones that read like an ongoing medical chart. I don't care what tests you had and are scheduled for and what your white cell count is and when your next appt. is. You're just a hypochondriac and if I wanted to watch Marcus Welby MD (wow that's an old reference), I would.

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