Friday, March 09, 2012

When I Grow Up

Yeah, I was sick with The Crud for a couple days, but I think my lack of blogging is due a bit more to a combination of a lack of inspiration and the distinctly worrisome feeling of being at a crossroads.

The book is going to tank -- let's just face that fact right this second. Never mind that no one has read it yet. I am deathly afraid of allowing people to read it. Once people read it, they are going to realize precisely how terrible it is, and how stupid I am. I am pretty sure this book is going to lose me some friends once they realize I am mentally ill.

And the baby thing. I've been operating for way too long on the assumption that I could get pregnant at any moment and it's ruining my every waking hour. I can't live like this anymore. I need normalcy back. I feel like I should pretend it's never going to happen, so I can take a normal vacation and plan regular life events without worrying about what might be happening inside my uterus.

If I operate on the assumption that the book is going to tank and the baby thing is never going to happen, then it's time for me to snap the fuck out of it and re-immerse myself into society. I'm not generally a lover of people, so the idea isn't wholly appealing. But at the same time, I've grown tired of the singular companionship of my glowing monitor, as terrific as all you Internet people are. And sure, I have two cats and I occasionally venture out to Whole Foods, if I must, and sometimes my husband even comes home in the evenings. But I think I might be becoming slightly quirky from my solitude. I pray that once I re-enter society, I don't fart loudly whenever the urge strikes.

And by re-immersing myself into society, I mean getting a real job. With a commute and a boss and co-workers and health insurance and paydays and blinking telephones and email inboxes and breeeeaaathe do not have a panic attack. Oh, I do love interviews. And year-end reviews. Those are a hoot.

The problem with the job thing is I am basically clueless as to what kind of job I should attempt to get. Got a journalism degree and tried that for a while; it sucked. Tried corporate real estate; it sucked. Any and all administrative jobs I've had have sucked. All retail jobs sucked the big one. Sitting on my ass for eight hours a day, hunched over a keyboard, is exactly my idea of a complete fucking nightmare. Working on a "team," for a "manager" literally makes me want to find a knife and cut something. God, I am spoiled. Perhaps I should re-title this post "First World Problems."

And also, I should password-protect this post if I ever actually go on a job search.

Honestly, sir! I am uber-employable. I will make your most normal employees look like asylum escapees. It's my greatest asset. 

Should I even broach the topic of my weight? I've been saying Aye Caramba a lot lately, so that is what I'll say about my weight right now. Aye Caramba. I'm formulating a new plan with a friend that might put a dent in what I've done to myself in the last six years. The key is going to be following through. If we don't follow through, all is lost, once again. And that would really fucking piss me off. I realize I have the power to change tons of things that I don't like about my life, but rather than change them, I kvetch. Enough with the kvetching. Tap into the power. Make amazing things happen. Amen.


  1. I think you know who this is.March 9, 2012 at 4:14 PM

    You're nuts about that book. Show it to people. I'm convinced it is good, but since you're of the opposite mind-set think of it this way: If the book really sucks, and people tell you it sucks it just confirms what you already knew. No harm no foul. You were prepared. If people like it, find it funny, and enjoy themselves then it's a great accomplishment.

    Either way it's an accomplishment because you took a chance on yourself. Everything doesn't always work out perfectly, but at the end of it all you can say well I tried writing, and it wasn't as awesome as I expected. Rather than I didn't try to do anything, what if I had done it.

  2. I love how you write. I love your take on life situations. Please write me at the email assiciated with this comment. I'm a real person. I would love to share some insights.

  3. Noooo I didn't want to show up as unknown. Nitara.416atgmail.

  4. i love this post and it in strange way comforts me in that it makes me feel a little less alone.

  5. sooo, about a week ago i googled "why does everything the bachelor ben say sound like a question?!?" and came across your blog (THANK YOU for noticing that!). totally hooked and have made my way all the way to last june and i'm still goin' ;) LOVE IT. anywhoo, i love how you are so into cooking and diets and food and wine (and vaginas and high school LOL)

    sorry, that was rambley.

    have you ever read 'you are what you eat' by jillian mckeith? it is very interesting and informative (things like, what your tounge's appearance says about your health) and kindof inspiring. she had (or maybe still has) a show on BBC too that is quite hilarious. she even analyses people's poops! :D

  6. Just tossing this out there as an idea, but ever consider being a Buyer? I worked as a Buyer for a resort for a couple years, and dug it. I got to dabble in the F&B side of things, which allowed me to form some pretty good relationships with our in-house Chefs... I could see you possibly enjoying something like that. It was a good balance of all sorts of work environments.

    While I did have to work with some morons and had one manager that was all about "teamwork", I found that 30 minutes of feigned teamwork during our morning meeting gave me all the leeway I needed to be a cynical yet efficient jerk who got to spend other people's money on cool stuff. They loved me.