Monday, March 26, 2012

God bless the Internet

There was the time my husband tried to make steak and mashed potatoes (from a box). Major disaster.

And the time he made breakfast burritos and we both felt ill afterward.

So I should have known that something as deceptively simple as a quesadilla would end in what amounted to five minutes of murderous rage on my part.

A tip: Criticism is like poison in marriage. I just read that today. It's best if, when you feel like criticizing your partner, you cram ten or so girl scout cookies in your mouth or run screaming out the front door or whatever it takes. Just, for godssakes, give it half an hour and a shot of tequila and then come back to it.

Even if your husband melted a spatula all over your brand new stainless steel pan.

 


There are boulders in life, and there are pebbles. This is a pebble. Just repeat that while breathing deeply.




I scrubbed. And I scrubbed. And I scrubbed. And I cursed. And, oh, I criticized. And I was fucking pissed, dude. Let's just be straight up. Why would you use the same temperature that you would use if you wanted to boil a pot of water when you are simply making a quesadilla? Whyyyyy. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? We shall never know, my fellow women. We shall .... NEVER ... know.

These men ... oh, these men. 

My husband said I could buy a new pan. And I vindictively decided I would buy The! Most! Awesomely! Expensive! pan I could find. Ever, in the world. Except then he would probably melt a spatula in it or try to wash his boots in it or something. Don't ask me why they do it, ladies. 
They simply do.


So I went to Google.

And Google said Thou Shalt Weild Thy Baking Soda Within a Simmering Pan of Water ....




And Thou Shalt Allow It To Simmer For a Few Minutes ....



And Thou Shalt Use Whatever Instrument Thou Deemest Worthy To Scrape Thy Unholy Melted Plastic From Thy Pan .... 


And I did.

And it was good.

 Well, good-ish. It looked like this. Less plastic, more scrape-age, plus some fun brown shit. 

And then Google proclaimed:

Thou Shalt Weild Thy Ketchup Bottle ....



And Thou Shalt Squeezeth it Unto Thy Pan.



And Thou Shalt Spreadeth Thy Ketchup On Thy Shit Stains And Leaveth It To Sit While Thy Surfeth The Internet.




And I did.

And it was good.


 Half an hour later, BAM. It ain't perfect, but it's a helluva lot better than it was.


I'll never let him touch you again, baby.

25 comments:

  1. BadCookingHusbandMarch 26, 2012 at 6:42 PM

    In my defense of this story, I must say the problem is not with the cook but rather an issue with instruments. If you're going to market a material such as plastic for cooking then one would think logically that it can withstand the amount of heat that can happen when cooking. WHO THE HECK MAKES A FLIMSY SPATULA THAT MELTS AT A LEVEL OF HEAT ONE CAN PRODUCE ON A STOVE??? My argument is that the plastic spatula should not have been manufactured for this purpose. It seems that metal or ceramic would be a better material since the melting point of the materials are high enough that you can cook without poisoning yourself.

    SOOO If I get cancer and die it's because of the evil plastic merchants.

    This also makes me very suspicious of plastic containers, and the plastic/silicon baking sheets. A material such as plastic with a low melting point seems to have no place in a high heat environment.

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    1. This post rules. Bad cooking husband, plastic and stainless steel do not mix. Plastic spatula goes with some crappy non-stick pan you get at Kohls. Plastic and cooking just don't mix. I want know the back story though, did you fess up or did you try to hide it? Or did your wide witness it as it was happening? Hahahaha? Even my husband, who does cook, lacks a certain culinary common sense that can be most infuriating.

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  2. ketchup!! i havent heard that yet.

    this reminds me of last week when i left the stove on with my non stick all clad pan with NOTHING in it for about 15 minutes. i think i ruined it. and jon tried to save it but im still scared to use it. f'ing wedding gift too. i got MAD. so i know how you feel.

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    1. I feel like I ruin almost everything I've ever owned. Especially clothes. Guaranteed if I buy a new top that I just adore, I will get some kind of stain on it within 2 wears, and the stain will be impossible to remove. Gah.

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  3. I love you guys. And in my head, I totally heard Sean Connery say your captions. "And thou shalt spreadeth thy ketchup ..." :)

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    1. That made me think of those Sean Connery SNL skits ... LOVE

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  4. Hmm. Clearly I knew not to bother you with my texting today. You had enough on your plate, or in your pan.

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    Replies
    1. You can bother me any day, babe.

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  5. 1. "Give it half and hour and a shot of tequila and then come back to it." This is my new rule. Thank you.

    2. Very cool remedy.

    3. "My husband said I could buy a new pan." To which I say, you break it, YOU bought it.

    Oh, men...

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    1. Good point! Next thing he destroys, he's replacing on his own. Heh.

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  6. My husband bought me stainless steel pans, and promptly did this to all of them.

    I didn't bother to check on how to fix them, I threw them away, bought new non-stick pans, and banned him from ever using them.

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    1. I adored my nonstick pans, but I decided to go hippy dippy non-chemical ... I miss though bad boys, though.

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  7. I always make a pot of tomato sauce whenever my pots and pans are starting to look crappy. The acid in the tomatoes does a phenomenal job -- as your ketchup experiment shows! Love it!

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  8. Roomie is actually a pretty good cook, but even he INSISTS on cooking everything on high heat! Why? Is it a macho-man thing? Like driving fast? HOT FIRE BURNER MAKE PENIS LOOK HUGE!

    (OK, that's not fair. We both have sensitive, charming manfolks. But the burner thing just drives me batty.)

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    1. Seriously, it makes me nuts. But there's kind of a long list of this kind of stuff. I choose my battles. And I'm sure he chooses his. :)

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  9. I am totally trying the ketchup thing. I have some pans that need some major TLC.

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  10. That's some funny shit. Unfortunately the smell of ketchup makes me want to vomit. (I know, it's so un-American to hate ketchup.)Usually I'm the one who ruins the pans, but fortunately we try to stay with non-stick, or at least I do.

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    1. You hate ketchup?! Next you're going to tell me you don't like chocolate. We had nonstick and gave them the boot because we're slowly turning into hippies. I loved them, though.

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  11. Brilliant! Where would be without the internet? (Read: We don't live in the 80s!)

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  12. Wowwwwww. You just blew my mind with this whole post.

    Also, you made me get hearts in my eyes with the phrase "thy shit stains".

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  13. I realize this is a post about your poor pan, and a hilarious one it was. But now, it's unsolicited tip time! Erin: Carbona for stains on clothes. I spill every. single. time. I eat. And Carbona Stain Wizard is the only product that gets out everything. The red sauce on the white shirt. The giant grease spot on the dark shirt. The huge salad dressing blob on the any-colored shirt. If they ever stop making this stuff, I'm going to have to wear a plastic apron every time I eat.

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