The Bachelor: The Women Tell All

As if The Bachelor was not stomach-churning enough, last night I found myself in the beginning stages of the flu. I had fever dreams all night about Chris Harrison yelling: You won't believe what's coming up! And then Courtney would ride in on a unicorn and mace all the women in their faces. It was an adventurous evening of dreams.

So first, the audience has an orgasm when Chris announces that Courtney's going to be on the show that evening, and that she's going to have to answer to the women. 

 These ladies are like, Mmmhmmm. She's gonna get what's coming to her.

 Chris was really excited.

For the record, this is Jennifer; who Ben should have picked. Even if she was a total bitch about how she should have been chosen over Blakeley. However, can you imagine Jennifer and Ben walking side by side down the street? People would be like, How'd that douche bag that hot chick?

 Yip! Yip! Yip! Samantha says Blakeley was "face fucking" Ben in the hot tub. Classy, Samantha!

Brittney says she had no attraction to Ben, which is why she left. Brittney, I want to high-five you so bad right now. Then she calls Samantha a chihuaha and tells her to STFU. 

Brittney is officially my favorite person on the planet.

 Shawntel comes on and the girls are still dissing her hella hard. These girls are bitches, I tell ya. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: You shut your whore mouth when you talk about Shawntel.

They play the clip of Erika saying Shawntel's thighs are bigger than hers, with an inset reaction from Shawntel. Then Erika sort of apologizes by saying her own thighs are big. 

Erika, you fail at apologies. Also, you are a rodent. STFU.

Emily has a couple interesting things to say, which makes her my second favorite person in the world. Firstly, she says she wouldn't have wanted to fall for someone who would fall for "what Courtney was putting forward." Amen. 

Then she says no man she wants to be with would ever tell her to "tread lightly" after she warned him about Courtney. Double amen. That was one of Ben's most chauvanistic moments. 

Also, her boobs look weird. Just saying.

 Nicki still thinks Ben is "the best man she's ever met." Has she been watching this season? ...

Kacie thinks she and Ben have different "core values" and that he couldn't picture himself at her parents' house for Christmas. Newsflash: No one can. Most intense Christmas ever. 

Then Chris says Courtney is coming out, and all of the women's eyes go dead.

 These chicks are ready for judgment to be rained down upon the devil. 

 Emily's reaction to Courtney showing up. MAJOR side eyes.

 Elyse's reaction to Courtney showing up. She is ready to do battle.

 Rodent.

 Casey is defending her good old best buddy Courtney.

 Monica looks like she's thinking about sandwiches. 

 This is Courtney, "terrified." 

This is Courtney trying to force water out of her eyes. One tear did finally roll down one perfectly sculpted cheekbone, and she left it there like it was some kind of prize.

Girl, I liked you better when you were owning your bitchiness.

 I haz a sads. 

 Jenna defending Courtney for whatever godforsaken reason. Also, Jenna acknowledges that she had a breakdown on the show, and she's "ok with it." Super! Now STFU. 

 Courtney: I love you girls! Are you a fucking psychopath? 

 Here is the man of the hour. 

I still do not believe this is the dude all these chicks are losing their minds over. 

Jamie says if it doesn't work out with whoever he picks, he should give her a call because she still thinks he's "fabulous." For the record, I think most of the women believe that whoever he's picked is long gone. This may have something to do with reports of him groping other ladies in nightclubs and something about Courtney having a sex tape. I read only the classiest magazines. 

Also, no one ever confronted Ben about the skinny dipping. Um. Are they just OK with that?

This might be the least sexy thing I've ever seen. Monica's reaction is priceless.

I guess next week is the finale. What I'm really looking forward to is the "After the Final Rose."