Tuesday, February 28, 2012

The Bachelor, Ep. 9: Vaginas open up



Neither do I. But I got myself into this, and there's no turning back now, much as I'd like to. Honestly, if I didn't feel obligated to see these recaps through to the end, I might have stopped watching. I just hate them all that much.

How much do you hate them? you might ask.

Well, so much that I fast-forwarded through about the first 15 minutes of Ben talking obnoxiously about what he likes about each woman. Look, dude. We all know you are going to pick Courtney. Stop jacking us around and just get down to business.

Now, for starters, I just have something I want to reiterate. 



Ok, now we can move along. This week they are in Switzerland for the vagina dates (also known as the overnight dates). This is when each woman shows Ben her vagina and he then gets to choose which one he likes best. Literally! Courtney has a leg up this week since Ben has already seen her vagina and decided he definitely likes it.

The first vagina date is with Nicki.

Nicki is arguably the cutest, nicest, and most normal girl left. Which means her ass is grass. 

Of their date, Ben says: "When we hang out together, you can feel the love." What the fuck does that even mean?

He tells her he wants 4 kids. Ha. Hahah! Today a 10 week old baby blew Chipotle farts in my face for eight hours. Yesterday she screamed in my face for two hours. I suggest he start with one and let us all know what he decides after that.

Ben says he admires Nicki's confidence, and he says, literally: "Confidence is something I've been looking for in a woman my entire life!" REALLY. He came tearing out of his mother's vagina on the prowl for a confident woman. 

What bothers me most about Nicki and Ben's vagina date is that I think this is the first dude Nicki has hooked up with since her divorce. What a waste.

The next vagina date is with Lindzi.

They embark on the least extreme extreme sport I've ever seen, as they slowly lower themselves into a canyon while they sit in harnesses. If I were a monkey, I'd be throwing poop at the TV by now.

Ben says: "I see myself with her for the rest of my life!" LIAR.

 The most disturbing part of Ben and Lindzi's date was this .... spectacle. Does Lindzi have enormous feet or is that just the camera angle?

Next up is Courtney's vagina date. 

Ben does the only right thing he has ever done in the history of him being alive, and he tells her the way she treated some of the girls was "messed up." She apologizes. Ben accepts, and then he shows her his penis. Again.

The most annoying part of their date was that Courtney has done a complete 180 personality-wise. I have no idea who the hell this bitch is, but I know she scares me and she might be a psychopath.

Then Kacie B shows up. Girrrrrl. What a drama queen.

I decided to humiliate myself on national television 
because I need "clarification" on why Ben doesn't love me!!

Ben tells her some dumb song and dance. What we all know is 1) He was never gonna pick her because he's always had his eye on Courtney and 2) Her parents are crazypants. Good luck finding any normal dude to marry, Kacie!

Then, because Kacie is the Princess of Nice, she tells Ben Courtney will break his heart because 1) "She's in it to win it" and 2) Courtney thinks if it's not Ben, there are other fish in the sea. 

Vague enough for ya? 

Then she goes and lies down on the floor.

 Mature! You are ready for marriage.

Then Ben dumps Nicki. SHOCKING, I know. 

This is LITERALLY the look on Ben's face when he is telling Nicki why he is cutting her. 
Also, fuck his hair. Hard.

Nicki's upset, but we all agree: You dodged a bullet, girl!

Other shit that happened during this episode:

Emily talks about her upcoming season of The Bachelorette, which I will NOT be recapping. I am worried her season is going to be very Oh dear me, where are mah smelling salts!? You know? Like, not very empowering for women to watch? I just want to shake her and be like: Get a grip, Emily! For fuck's sake. If I looked like her, I would be wielding an unholy amount of power.

Next episode is the "Women Tell All" episode. I'm not recapping that shit, you guys. No one cares, right? And then for the finale, they're saying it's the "most controversial finale in Bachelor history!!!" Really?! More controversial than the time Brad Womack dumped both of the final girls? I highly doubt it.



  1. I haven't watched the show and, why
    would I with you doing such a bang up job? Your post is hysterical...
    and, really what is up with those feet?


  2. True to my word, I have stopped watching this crapola. Not because I think I'm to good for the Bachelor, but because Courtney makes me want to ask a rodent to gnaw my eyes out. I will only watch the finally on On Demand if I find out Courtney doesn't win. Which we all know will never happen. I will, however, watch After the Final Rose.

    Sigh... Why did it have to end this way? The crazy is just for ratings, not for marriage, Caveman!

  3. Ok, wait.. so that tard gets to have sex with THREE pretty girls in one week? Does production provide condoms? Now I wish I had been watching this series all along just to make fun of that guy. He looks like a dooface (I don't even know how to spell that word because I don't think I ever written/types it out before).

  4. Ok WAIT! I don't think you are allowed to bow out of recapping any of the bachelor seasons. I'm pretty sure there is something in my imaginary contract I signed with an imaginary you when I started reading your blog for recaps. ;-)

    Seriously, bloggers are the only thing keeping me watching this God awful franchise, and as much as I want my Monday nights back, I know I will be watching next season.


    Ok as for Ben last night, when he strolled up in that bow tie and ill fitting suit looking like Orville Redenbacher Linzi should have forgone her usual room for the nearest salon and dragged Ben there. His hair was especially unfortunate last night.

    And yes making fun of his wardrobe choices is all I have left at this point in the "Most Boring Season Ever!"

  5. Please recap the women tell all special. Because I totally care, and there is so much to tell. ;)

  6. Oh, dear. Did I write 'finally' instead of 'finale'? Let's blame that one on auto-correct.

    I agree with Sara. Please recap the women tell all special!

  7. I haven't watched a single episode but I read everyone of your posts! You're doing that damn write up and you're going to like it. Y'hear?


    P.S. Vagina dates. Haaaaaaaa! And how seriously gross is it that these women sleep with these guys knowing they're sleeping with the other women? Why don't they all just have a big orgy and be done with it? Sell that shit on DVD.

  8. ALL RIGHT! I will recap The Women Tell All, but I'll be needing a vat of wine for that job. I'll CONSIDER recapping Emily's season. GAH.

    AWS - I googled Lindzi's feet because I wanted to see if other people had noticed. So far no one else seems disturbed about them!

    Vanessa - I'm REALLY hoping the After The Final Rose is a doozie. I read in a VERY reputable (read: not reputable at all) publication that Ben's feelings about Courtney have changed since the end of taping.

    Sweetest - YES. I mean, it is totally disgusting. And no one's talking about how disgusting it is! Every now and then on different seasons women have said "hell to the no I am not sleeping with him when he slept with Becky last night." The whole thing is jacked beyond belief.

    Anon - Ben AND Lindzi's hair both need major help.

    Sara - FINE.

    Vanessa - FINE.

    Mandy - FINE. And it is hella gross. The only consolation is that everyone involved has been tested ahead of time for STDs. Seriously.

  9. hahah chris says "most controversial finale in Bachelor history" EVERY season no matter what! hahaha.

    and my friend is attending the after the final rose (she lives in LA and is sick like me) so i cant wait to hear what she says!

    this was the worst season ever.

  10. WTF is a Chipotle fart? I'm dying with laughter and morbid curiosity.

  11. Well, you certainly captured my attention with your title. That made my day.

    That Ben dude looks like a doofus and he totally is not hot.

  12. Holly - he does say that every season. What a douche. You MUST come back and tell us what she said about the taping of ATFR! This season blows donkey chunks.

    Katrina - Chipotle farts are when a breastfeeding mother eats a Chipotle burrito and then feeds her kid. Results are about what you'd expect.

    WC - Vaginas are an eye-grabber! Ben's so not hot.