Are you ever on a diet during which, at some point, you decide you would rather eat nothing at all than eat the food you are supposed to eat on the diet? Even though you are starving?
Yeah, I believe that should not happen, but it is so happening to me right now. Which is why I ate Taco Bell last night, which I know is the bane of all humanity, but for godssakes people. I can eat only so many whole grains, fruits and vegetables before my body demands refined carbohydrates and processed ass-meats.
I did really well all week until last night, and this morning the scale was like: So look. You may lose 1 pound this week but if you'd have abstained from refined carbs and ass-meats, this could have been 4 pounds. Your funeral, babe.
Part of the problem, in my opinion, is that I've been following the plan from Self magazine a little too closely. Their meals taste like crap, to be kind. What I need is Mexican food that tastes awesome but still somehow manages to be low fat and whole grain. Is this possible, people? Is it?!?!? (I'll be scouring interwebs to find out. Come follow me on Pinterest if you haven't already. I've started a "Things I can eat that won't make me too fat" board. And I even fixed my shitty Pinterest link in the sidebar that nobody told me wasn't working!)
And sorry to further rain on anyone's diet parade, but I would like to submit as evidence a New York Times article that says, in a nutshell, that when you lose weight, your hunger hormones go completely insane and make you feel starving because your body wants you to gain back the weight. The heightened hormone levels stay around INDEFINITELY. This is bad news, to say the least, you guys. But it does explain the miserable failure of every diet I've ever been on. So that means we are armed with new information, right? And we will defeat our own hunger hormones! (?) Right?
In any case, I shouldn't even be thinking about diets right now; I should be thinking of my No. 1 goal, and that is to finish this godforsaken novel I'm writing. I can gain 20 more pounds ... I don't give a shit, as long as this book gets finished. I mean, I do give a shit, because me with 20 more pounds? Oh, sweet Jesus. That is permanent fat-pants territory.
I'm giving myself roughly another two weeks to finish this beast. Because guess what happens then?
You'll never guess.
I'm having a sex change operation.
I'm going to start taking care of my niece, Ava, when my sister goes back to work. At least a few days a week. Details are still being sorted out.
Now, I warned them: I don't know anything about babies! And they smiled all punchy (they haven't slept in about four weeks) and said Neither did we! You'll learn.
So it's guaranteed to be a whole new adventure. I'm girding my loins. And prepping my pita. And uncorking the wine. And finishing the book. For reals. Truly. Gotta go.