Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Bachelor, Ep. 3: On a Scale of 1 to 10, I feel like I'm gonna throw up

**this post contains spoilers. enter at your own risk**


The title of this post was spoken by Jaclyn, who wins the Best Quote of the Season So Far Award. She was entertaining, but alas, she has been eliminated. Toodle-oo, Jaclyn!

Au revoir, Jaclyn! We hardly knew ye!


Now, let us begin with a reiteration of how bad Ben's hair is. I mean, it is getting worse and worse. I don't need to post photos of cavemen next to his picture because his hair speaks for itself.

Need I say more?!

Ben meets up with his sister and tells her about the women, throwing in that Courtney is "drama-free." Um. If by drama-free, you mean completely psychotic? OK then.

He then takes Emily the epidemiologist on a one-on-one date and forces her to climb the Bay Bridge. These daredevil dates are kind of stupid, if you ask me. Ben kept saying "If Emily and I can climb to the top of the Bay Bridge, there's no telling what we can do together!" Indeed, Benjamin. Profound stuff. But here's some armchair psychiatry for you: Climbing the Bay Bridge together is not necessarily the precursor for actual difficult things like marriage and dealing with a spouse who leaves toothpaste in the sink. You might be surprised how ragey this would make you, Benjamin.

Not that Emily would ever do that.

So of course, what's Emily's worst fear in the entire wide world?? Heights! She's so terrified, she freezes halfway up. Luckily, Ben is a Power Ranger and sends her go-go-gadget bridge-climbing power via a liplock. For reals. She forgets all about how she could fall to her death as soon as he lays one on her.

BARF. 

You know what is HILARIOUS? Popping the top off of a bottle of champagne. I don't know why. It just makes me laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. This is a bad photo of Emily, laughing, as Ben pops champagne, shortly before their own private fireworks show. And yes, I take photos of my TV, hence the reflection from the lamp!

Next up is Ben's group date. They go skiing ....... yawwwwwwwn. Sorry. They go skiing on a street in San Francisco. BUT HOW. OH MY GOD SNOW MACHINES. WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT?!

The girls strip down to their bikinis to ensure maximum harm when they fall. Kasie B glides ass-first straight into Ben's face. She says she doesn't know how to ski ... phsaw, my dear. That took skills. 

I actually am not sure whose ass this is. That is Ben, striking a manly pose off to the left. I suspect they filmed this during the three days in September when there was actually warm weather in San Francisco last year. 

TANGENT: People who live in "San Fran" do not call "San Fran" "San Fran." If they do, they are major douches with shaved chests. Every time you say "San Fran," a bachelorette's mascara runs, Benjamin. Quit that shit.

Continuing the group date, Rachel gets the first kiss of the evening. I don't mind Rachel. She's all right.



Incidentally, Rachel also gets the rose that evening. While Monica is inexplicably crying. Seriously. We have no idea why Monica is crying.

Why are you crying??

Then Ben makes out noisily with Kacie B. All that moist smacking makes my stomach heave. Later, Ben muses: "That one's gonna be trouble for me. Good trouble." Vom dot com.

And in case anyone is wondering, I sort of hate Kacie B and Nicki whatsherface now. I know I put them as front runners in the beginning, but now they are acting like spoiled sorority girls and it's irritating the everloving shit out of me. 

Oh, also, Brittney up and leaves the show for whatever reason. She says it's the hardest decision of her life. We are guessing she's never had to decide to let a comatose relative die rather than hook them up to a feeding machine. It's just a guess. See ya later kiddo.

We think she eliminated herself before Ben could give her the old heave-ho on the one-on-one date. So long! Say hi to your grandma for us!

Then Ben takes Lindzi on a date. They eat mocha chip ice cream, when clearly they should have gotten peanut butter chocolate if it was available. They go to city hall. Some band I've never heard of is playing. They sound like a bad ripoff of Dave Matthews. Ben and Lindzi tongue each other frantically. 

They go to a speakeasy. She tells him about being dumped in a text that said: Babe, welcome to Dumpsville -- population: You. 

If this really happened -- and I'm not convinced it did -- Lindzi lives in some alternate romcom universe. That, or the dude she was dating is the biggest prick I've ever heard of. It's a little hard to swallow (that's what she said).

Anyway, Lindzi gets the rose. They go to a piano store and Lindzi gazes adoringly at Ben while he shows off his mad piano skillz. 

Lindzi                                                                                                         Marsha Brady. Just sayin'.
 



Then it's finally time for the godawful cocktail party. Ben tells Jennifer she's the best kisser in the house, which isn't creepy at all. Jennifer is still my dark horse. I've got her pegged to go all the way, guys. And I like her even more this episode because she's the only chick who didn't completely lose her shit when Shawntel walked in the room. 

 Ben's "I did not see this coming" face. (that's what she said)


 Look, bitches. THE HEART WANTS WHAT THE HEART WANTS.

What I'd like to tell all those dummies on The Bachelor: You shut your whore mouth when you talk about Shawntel. She is my girl. Oh, you think it's creepy that she embalms bodies for a living?? Well someone's got to do it! She's all up close and personal with Death, not terrified like your stupid ass.

Shawntel got robbed. Robbed, I tell ya. And actually, whose idiotic idea was it for her to show up in Episode 3?! Why couldn't she have started from the beginning like everyone else? And why is Ben such a douche?!

All the other girls (except Jennifer -- keepin' it classy!) were practically tearing their hair out when Shawntel showed up. Saying it wasn't fair (he's trying to find love, right? Where does fair enter in?!) and calling her Brad's cast-offs and saying she has big thighs. Who said that, Erika? Girrrrrl. You know karma is a mean bitch, right? That's why your lips turned blue and you passed out and then got eliminated. Seeya biznatch. (Oh, also, tattoos on the inner lower lip are strictly for imprisoned gang members, FYI)

Gawd.

Anyway, Shawntel gets sent home but somehow Monica is still on the show?! Don't get me started. And Courtney is freaking scary-crazy.

Next week they're going to Utah. That's all I know. I'm sure it will be shenanigans galore. Til then!



16 comments:

  1. I am beside myself laughing! The Bachelor series has been a guilty pleasure for me for years. As a person who works in the field of psychology and coaching, I want to say I just enjoy it from this "personality" and human natue perspective, but this is not completely true.

    Reading another blogger who seems to have the inside scope on who wins and has predicted accurately in the past, even knowing who Ben picks doesn't stop me from wanting the interactions to see how in the world he ends up with "you-know-who."

    You, crack me up and I love reading your thoughts...you are better than watching the show!

    Unbelievable!

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  2. I'm glad to see I wasn't the only one who was bugged by the "San Fran" faux pas - What's up with that? If it really is "his town" why wouldn't he call it by its name on national TV? Instead, he's spreading it that "San Fran" is what locals call the place - such a shame...

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  3. OH and I'm totally with you on Ben's hair!!! What is up with that? Clearly he feels it's his IDENTITY otherwise they would have cut that mess off a long time ago - and does he ever wash it? Love reading your posts!

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  4. Sheila -- it takes every ounce of will power I have not to google the spoiler on the winner! As it is I had to google who the mystery guest (Shawntel) was this week. :)

    Kat - San Fran makes me gag. I have seriously never heard any Bay area native call it that! And his hair ... just awful! hahaha....

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  5. I don't watch the Bachelor, and am not even remotely tempted...but READING about the show recap from YOU is absolutely fabulous! :) Thanks for making me wish you lived next door to me and we could hash out everyone in our lives like this! love ya!

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  6. Well at least it actually WAS the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!

    I texted my sister last night that the only way to make it more dramatic next week was someone was going to have to get stabbed (not that I put that past the producers of the show to make that happen).

    Love your observations, blogs are probably the only thing that keeps me watching at this point. This season seems more ridiculous than ever, or my tolerance for idiocy has met it's limit.

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  7. Mindy - seriously. Who should we talk about first? mwahahahaha...

    Ladyatlarge - there's no doubt that it gets more ridiculous every season. The only thing more ridiculous is Bachelor Pad, which I have difficulty watching; it's just so freakin' terrible.

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  8. Most people in San Francisco, or SF know that if you call it Frisco, or San Fran, you've earned a knuckle sandwich.

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  9. You are really in your zone when you write about reality television. It may be your gift to the world. Don't deny it.

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  10. Last night annoyed me for so many reasons. Was it because of the naked skiing? Yes. Because Courtney refuses to go away? Yes. Because each and every girl proved to be a nasty, jealous bitch? Yes, again.
    What redeemed the entire episode?

    "On a scale of 1 to 10, I feel like I'm gonna throw up." It makes no sense, yet her dumb-assery made my week. Thank God for this show.

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  11. youknowwho - I would also accept "The City."

    Mandy - Now if I can just figure out how to make money writing about this crap!! :)

    V - I know!! hahahahah....

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  12. I don't watch this show...but I love your recaps. ...and I totally agree with the Geico caveman look!

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  13. haha last night i tweeted "stop calling it SAN FRAN" ughh! and lol at monica crying, i totally saw that and was like, anybody gonna address this???

    brittany was weird. its weird, i thought she was a fuller gal by the way she was always sitting and then she starts walking her little luggage and she is super slim. weird observation, i know.

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  14. "On a scale of 1 to 10, I feel like I'm gonna throw up."

    YES YES YES. i repeated that tons last night, along with "ive come to the point of my life where im a model" (-courtney, episode 1)

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  15. wildology - thanks! :)

    holly - I thought the same thing about brittney. I think she's an "apple" - a little thicker in the middle with stick legs & arms. And oh god, Courtney saying "I've come to the point of my life where I'm a model," hA! I don't even know where to begin with that one ... Also, I don't buy for a second that she's only 28.

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  16. I've never watched the show but enjoy your recaps just the same!
    I don't know what his hair looks like on the show, but on the picture you posted his head looks too small for his shoulders.

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