Friday, January 20, 2012

Again: I was not consulted

For reasons I will never understand, Hollywood does this thing where it latches on to a story and then beats the everloving shit out of it until viewing audiences are like: OK! Uncle! Please, for the love of all that's holy! If I have to watch another Spiderman movie my brain is going to melt out of my ears!

Which is what is about to happen (and is kind of already happening) with the story of Snow White.

For starters, we have the abhorrent TV shows "Once Upon a Time" and "Grimm." They're both new programs, and both cover a gamut of fairy tales, although "Once Upon a Time" focuses mainly on the story of Snow White, her evil stepmother, and some dumb crap about how every fairy tale character in the universe was transported to some town where none of them remember who they are, which is how the queen wants it, inexplicably.

I'm not sure if Grimm has ventured into Snow White territory because I am so goddamn confused about what it's about and why all of the fairy tale characters look like monsters, including Rapunzel, who is a murderous maiden who strangles her victims with her hair (?!?!?!?!?!?).

Not to be outdone, the movie-making industry has decided it also needs to bastardize the Snow White fairytale, which is why there are TWO Snow White movies coming out this year.

One is dark, kind of horror-esque, with Charlize Theron as the evil queen (OK, I'm all right with the casting there) and the soulless Kristen Stewart as Snow White. What the .... who in the world decided that vapidity was a clincher for the role of Snow White? I was not consulted! I protest!! I doth protest much!!


Then there's another one coming out, with Julia Roberts as the evil queen (YAWN). Armie Hammer is the prince. He's the guy that plays the douchenozzle twins in "Social Network." Snow White is played by Lily Collins, a relative unknown. This version is a COMEDY.

Something about all this makes me super ragey. Although PMS might have something to do with it. Also: I wrenched my neck something fierce yesterday and didn't sleep last night partly because some bitch named Leanne called me twice at two in the morning looking for her crack dealer, Art, and partly because my neck is really in severe pain. Conclusion: I'm in kind of a shitty mood to begin with.

In any case, please take a look at these trailers and then emphatically agree with me in the comments section that it is super freaking idiotic that two Snow White movies are coming out this year. Thank you, and goodbye.


  1. First video: Fucking AWFUL. Kristen Stewart?? They choose the sour-pussed corpse-face with gutter hair to play Snow White?????? I don't fucking understand what's going on here.

    Second video: Meh. I could do without Julia Roberts, but this one doesn't look quite as repulsive to me. It does seem a little cheesy, but it looks like it might be aimed at the younger crowd (ie., kids), which is why they have the cornball jokes. I imagine we'll be taking Pearl to this one.

  2. My hubby is always complaining that nothing new is created in Hollywood these days, and this just proves that he's absolutely correct. I have seen the preview for the first one w/K-Stew (aka botox face), and despite this bit of casting, I have to admit that it does look interesting. The second one I had not heard about, and looks a little silly and Disney-esque. I am also not fond of Julia Roberts and her horrid fake British accent. Was there something so wrong with the original version that led to this onslaught of Snow White knock-offs?? Or have we seriously just run out of original ideas?

    On another note, I'm sorry about your neck and late-night calls, but thank you for this LOL in an otherwise icky and stressful day.

  3. My guess is that there are plenty of provocative, edgy scripts out there that never make it past the first set of readers. And those that do? The agents can't get the studios to pick them up. Because the studios know that shit sells. Unfortunately, most movie-goers would be lucky to have half of your intelligence and humor.

  4. hahahah....Greg and I were just talking about this the other day! We got our Entertainment weekly and I was like "Sweet many freakin' takes on Snow White can they do?" I think we counted at least six Snow White adaptations coming out this year alone.

  5. And totally agree that having a blond Wicked Witch (Theron) is just so not right!!!

  6. OK. Can't stand the vampire girl. But I've got mad love for Charlize Theron, and SHE is the reason I'm tempted to see that. Someday.

    But the Julia Roberts one? Just ... blech.

    I've been saying for years that Hollywood has run out of ideas. Any more redos/reups/ride-based movies (1 was OK, the rest were ridiculous) and its official.

    But wait! They've still got Sleeping Beauty! (Didn't they go through a Cinderella phase awhile back? Ever After etc, etc.?)

  7. tilte - gutter hair!! Yes! And I agree. She should never be cast in another movie, ever again. And I mean, they both look mildly entertaining but it's like: We already know the story and the movie's been done countless times!

    Melissa - I wonder if this will be as bad as the time JR ruined the Ocean's 11 sequel. Oh God that was awful.

    Sweetest - I'm sure you're right!! There's got to be thousands of awesome scripts out there and no one's giving them a chance!

    Mary - Should've known you and Greg would be in the know already!

    MM - I'm sure sleeping beauty will get raped soon!

  8. I know that it's terrible, but I still watch and enjoy Once Upon a Time. I also watch Grimm, though I'm not sure it's terrible. However, I'd watch Grimm even if it was terrible, because I am homesick and it's OH so Portland. And one of my best friends' husband did some extra work on the show and I've seen him in the background of life 5 episodes (he's huge and beefy, so he's always a cop).

    Not sure about all this other crap though. Comedy Snow White? Hmmm ...

  9. Gooood Lord, I had no idea about any of these movies. Watched the trailer most of the way through for the first one, and thought it might be somewhat decent to watch, although it looks like a mash-up of about 20 other movies I've seen. The Snow White part was a bit of a reach.

    Oh, Hollywood... I really dislike you at times.

  10. I think the first one looks better than the second one for a few reasons. Most importantly: Charlize vs. Julia. I mean, Julia needs to split already. I'm soooo bored with her. And Charlize is just perfection. But they lose points for K. Stew. But on the other hand, the other Snow White is Phil Collins' daughter. So... You know.