Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Bachelor, Ep. 5: I feel like I'm winning

Firstly, sorry this is up late today! I am in baby training -- learning how to keep a small human alive -- because I start babysitting next week. That's a whole other blog post.

So this episode was practically narrated by the increasingly evil Courtney, and I'll be quoting her extensively throughout. By the end of the program I was pretty disappointed, and you might already know why.

 The irony is piercing. Also: she is not pretty. End of story.

The first one-on-one date is with Nicki, who wears a dress I don't consider flattering. Luckily, there's a torrential downpour and she has to buy a new one. She ends up wearing a blanket and flip-flops.

 Omagawd ya'll, it was rainin' so hard. Also, I chose a shitty nail color.

Ben ended up in this douchey Colombian drug lord costume. In case you're wondering, I do still hate his hair, passionately.

My friend Minal suggested last week that Ben looks like Rafael Nadal. I definitely see it.

Ben actually wishes he was as hot as I am.

Anyway, Ben's date with Nicki went fine. She got the rose.

Next up is the worst group date ever, where the girls switch off into teams and have to try to win a baseball game in order to spend more time with Ben later in the day. Courtney uses her evil succubus powers to win, unsurprisingly, and Blakeley is really upset.

 Courtney is unsympathetic. Although she did say of Blakeley: "Who knew that strippers could play baseball?" Is that what a VIP cocktail waitress is? I mean, really. I want to know.

Anyway, after Courtney's team wins, Ben jizzes champagne all over the baseball diamond and he and the winners climb into a helicopter. Kacie B has a special moment with Ben when he tells her all the women he's loved haven't loved him back. America goes "awwwwwwww" and I yell "It's because of your hair!" Then Ben gives Kacie the rose, and Courtney pulls Ben away to rub her boobs on him and wrap his neck in her stick arms. Kacie B has a quick soundbyte in which she calls Courtney, a "piece of shit." Accurate!

 So not hot. Maybe they deserve each other.

Then Elyse has a one-on-one. We know right away that Girlfriend's going home just because of what she's wearing. She tells Ben she quit her job and missed her best friend's wedding to be on the show. Bad call. Ben gives her the old heave-ho.

This is Elyse's "what did I do wrong" face. Girls, never ask a guy what you did wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. They did.

When Courtney finds out that Elyse has been sent packing, she of course suggests: "Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out." Unfortunately, Elyse did look a little Jersey Shore, but we still hate Courtney for saying so, right? Right.

AND THEN you know what happens. Then Courtney decides to wait for Ben in front of his door with a bottle of wine and two glasses. She says "I hope I'm a vision after a long day ... I hope I'm a sight for sore eyes because after a date with Elyse his eyes are probably pretty sore."

Oh, no you didn't.

Courtney, who is obviously evil incarnate, then convinces Ben it's a good idea to go skinny dipping in the ocean with her because "you're only in Puerto Rico once!" Or, in her case, at least twice, since she was just there two months ago, supposedly, probably on a shoot for Entimology Magazine. Get it? Because she's like a stick insect? Never mind.

Ben makes a very very very bad decision. He says "Courtney and I shared a very intimate moment." My husband says Courtney probably "tugged" Ben's "rod" in the ocean. Either way, we're all a little grossed out and feeling kind of dirty and sorry for the other girls, who are none the wiser.

ESPECIALLY JENNIFER. You will rue the day you crossed me, Ben. Jenniferrrrr! Jenniferrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Jennifer gets the boot, you guys. Which pisses me off because people like this dumbass Emily who can't keep her mouth shut are still in the game. Also: Jamie and Rachel. And Blakeley. My husband says Jennifer can do better than the Geico caveman, and I'm inclined to agree. And her exit was so gracious! He doesn't deserve her.

Emily: STFU.

Next time they are going to Panama City. It looks like someone in Casey's family dies and she goes home. And then eventually Kacie B and Nicki team up against Courtney, FINALLY. Good grief. I'm so irritated.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Weekend revelry & recovery

I was a good little San Josean this weekend and spent time supporting local businesses with some good friends.

One of those businesses was Vino Vino, a casual wine bar that has wine on tap (!), and is part of the new San Pedro Square Market development that opened late last year. There are TONS of very yummy-looking little eateries in the market and I read that they're going to start a farmer's market in April.

We ordered several carafes of wine, tried out the meat and cheese plates, and gobbled up these simple and delicious smoked salmon crostinis.

I believe this is just french bread (or sourdough) with cream cheese, smoked salmon, and a dab of pesto on top. Drool.

I thought I was not a Nutella fan, and I admit I was wrong.

We ordered a sandwich that had nutella, peanut butter and bananas on it, and it was the bomb. Our server said it's one of their most popular menu items. The salad that comes with it has a really tasty balsamic dressing, too.

I will be trying to replicate this at home.

Sunday was all about recovery. One thing about our friends, Catprick & Meagan -- I tend to overindulge when I am with them. Catprick pours with a heavy hand.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Firepot soup

I really love when a recipe ends up tasting like something delicious that you've eaten in a restaurant before.

I've had this Thai soup in one form or another in a variety of different Thai restaurants, since it's often served before a meal. I was completely thrilled that this recipe ended up tasting extraordinarily close to the restaurant version. But what made it better, in my opinion, is that this version is heartier. You can put shrimp, chicken, or tofu in it, and serve it over rice, and it's just the thing on a cold evening.

And, to boot, is ridiculously easy to make.

There are really only a handful of ingredients. You slap a few tablespoons of Thai curry in a hot pan with some canola oil, then throw in a can of coconut milk and some chicken stock. Next up comes your lemongrass, basil, a squeeze of lime, a little brown sugar, a little fish sauce, and Thai chilies, if you like it spicy. I do, but I couldn't find Thai chilies, so I settled on a jalapeno, which I think worked great. After that's all had about 10 minutes to simmer, I tossed in the tofu. I think it'd be magnificent with shrimp, but I'm boycotting shrimp until I can find raw, deveined shrimp. I just hate deveining.

 Once the soup's warm enough, just ladle it over some rice and scatter a few cilantro leaves on top. It's so delicious. Two thumbs up from both me and my husband.

This is an Eat, Live, Run recipe. I gotta say, she hasn't turned me wrong yet. She has a cookbook coming out relatively soon and methinks I will be buying it.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Killing bad habits & conceiving good habits

I know I've already mentioned this book, "Brain Over Binge," that I've been reading, and actually just finished last night. I've essentially been torturing everyone I know by telling them this book might be the key to curing all of our neuroses. Responses vary.

 I think if you are interested in really employing the technique the author recommends, you should read the book.

But I'll tell you about a few points that have really hit home with me.

1. Diets are the root of all evil. The first diet a person embarks on has the potential to ruin their relationship with food and/or their body for the rest of their lives.

2. Emotional eating is bull shit. When I feel an emotion and I want to eat, it's because I've trained my brain that when I am stressed, bored, etc., it's time to eat. I've created a bad habit. It's breakable just like any other bad habit.

3. When I have an urge to eat and I'm not actually hungry, that impulse is not coming from the true Me. When I listen to my true self, I find it's easier than it's ever been to put food out of my mind.

The advice in this book seems over-simplistic. Want to stop over-eating? Then stop doing it. That's what it all comes down to. The book tells you how. I don't want to reveal the author's whole methodology, which is why I was a little cryptic above.

While reading "Brain Over Binge" I decided I was going to try to break some bad habits and start new ones. The general consensus seems to be that it takes about three weeks to start a new, good habit. Who knows how long it takes to break old, bad habits? Doing so involves stopping an activity for long enough that the synapses in that part of the brain weaken until the habit disappears.

The most important bad habit I am breaking is impulsive eating. I get an urge to eat and sometimes I can't even focus until I eat something, regardless of whether I'm hungry or not. That is complete bull shit. That impulse is not coming from Me, and knowing that, I've been able to shut that voice out without much effort. I'm a little surprised, actually, at how easy it's been so far, and a little nervous that it's going to stop working. I'm trying to have faith in the process.

The new good habit I'm starting is eating when I am hungry, and stopping when I am satisfied. A novel idea, right? If I listen to my true self when I'm eating, I can recognize when I have had enough to eat. It's usually when I've slowed down a little, and maybe leaned back or put my fork down. Sometimes it's when I've had a surprisingly small amount of food. Sometimes it's when I've eaten the whole sandwich. Here's a little photo essay of my leftovers from the last two days.

Breakfast. Left: toast with jam. 
Right: granola, berries, yogurt. Normally I would have eaten all of this.
Lunch. Left: bean burrito. Right: Pulled beef sandwich. I notice I feel hungrier at lunch time. I may be waiting too long to eat.

Dinner. Left: pork chop & warm potato salad. Right: Mac & cheese w/ bacon.

Normally I would have managed to polish off my entire dinner, each night. At the very least I would have eaten the potato salad and the bacon because they're my favorite parts of each meal.

You'll notice my meals are not exactly the healthiest meals I could be eating. The idea is to avoid a sense of deprivation, which would feel like a diet, which usually results in a "binge" of sorts; usually at least a few days of eating way too much food. I do enjoy vegetables, I swear. I'll be making more of an effort to incorporate them into my meals.

You may also notice I didn't show you any snacks. Day 1 I didn't eat any snacks, which is VERY unusual for me. Day 2 I had a handful of granola and a few chocolate chips. And then I stopped. Normally I would have eaten ALL of the chocolate chips, but I felt only the smallest desire to do that.

Another thing: I haven't mentioned weight. I decided to stop weighing myself. It was making me feel terrible. So I quit. I might weigh myself in a few weeks, but for now I think it's basically useless. 

I have pretty high hopes for this process, and I've been feeling pretty excited about it, which is more than I can say for just about any diet or cleanse I've ever been on. It's a completely different attitude, actually. I approach diets with a sense of dread, and I've approached this with excitement and hope. That right there might be enough.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Bachelor, Ep. 4: The Expressionless Botox Zombie Parade

I am so relieved that I finally figured out what's driving me insane about this season. Everyone is botoxed to within an inch of their lives! Ben included.

A tip: Emotional words mean almost nothing to anyone when your facial muscles are frozen into a permanent half-smile.

Moving right along ...

This week they went to Park City, Utah. It was pretty, blah blah blah. Ben wants them to "experience the outdoors," because none of them have ever seen trees and rivers.

Before any of the dating begins we're seeing a lot of Nicki and something about her has changed. I didn't even recognize her at first. What happened?! Maybe her botox is wearing off.

 This week Ben tells Nicki she "thrives in a group setting." This is Bachelor-speak for your number is gonna be up soon, honey. She tongued him something fierce, anyway.

So, Ben's first one-on-one date is with Rachel, with whom it now appears he has zero chemistry. For some reason he decides to keep her around anyway, after she "opens up" about how she has problems communicating. All this despite some really awkward conversation about how the sun is in their eyes and making them squint. This is the stuff dreams are made of, lovers.

 Rachel is very excited about her date. Can't you tell?!

Then it's time for the group date, which everyone's nervous about because Courtney will be on it, and judging by the gleam of evil in her eye, she plans to hump Ben in front of the group.

The group date was planned by my dad, so they obviously went fly-fishing. Twelve of them standing knee-deep in a river five feet from each other. I wonder why no one caught a fish?!

Oh, but first Ben rode in on a horse. It was very manly, and as Nicki pointed out, his hair was blowing beautifully in the breeze.

 I think this is where the expression "Whoa Nellie" comes from.

During fly-fishing, Courtney predictably drags Ben away from the group for a one-on-one lesson, and then she catches a fish while nature-girl Lindzi fumes nearby. Sorry Lindz. Evil trumps Marsha Brady every time. Ben waxes on about how Courtney just "gets it." Meanwhile she's talking shit about how jealous everyone is.

Later on while Ben is frenching Nicki, Samantha interrupts so she can grill Ben about why she's only been on group dates. This is when Ben spontaneously decides to dump her ass.

Ben's your-ass-is-grass face. Can't you tell? I think the vein in his neck is the only sign he is irritated. Otherwise he appears to be almost smiling.

 Samantha's I-can't-believe-you're-dumping-me-face. She manages a lip curl.

After this, Ben takes Kacie to his room and they talk and kiss and YAWN. He says "I'm in trouble with Kacie B." Courtney is pissed that he's tonguing someone else so she gives Ben some sob story about feeling unsure blah blah blah. So he gives her the rose to reassure her, and all Americans everywhere simultaneously screamed.

Courtney's smug my-evil-plan-is-coming-to-fruition face. Courtney doesn't actually need to make any facial expressions. Her malevolence rolls off my television and into the family room.

Kacie's I-can't-believe-he-gave-the-rose-to-Courtney face. Incidentally, I donated that exact sweater to Goodwill in 1992.

Then Jennifer, my dark horse (who's such a dark horse I keep forgetting to take pictures of her face) goes on a one-on-one date with Ben. They rappel into a crater, blah blah. They take a ski lift to dinner, it starts raining, they eat each other's faces, and Ben gives her the rose. Then they go listen to some awful band while a bunch of children of the corn stare at them. Ben's hair gets mighty frizzy. 

I think his face moved a little! Quick! Alert the botox technician!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Emily is gearing up to fulfill the archetypal role of tattletale. She is not going to be able to stop herself; her hatred for Courtney runs deep. And who could blame her, but HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE SHOW EMILY? Continue in this fashion and you will go home. It's a statistical fact.

Emily bitching and moaning about Courtney while Blakeley does her highlights and Elyse plies her with alcohol.

Emily feels compelled to tell Ben that Courtney is a lying skank. He swats her down, as I expected he would, and then she feels misunderstood and goes and complains to the girls about it.

Casey, who is still around because she's cute. This is her Courtney-is-my-best-friend face. Her forehead moved! Sweet Jesus, where's the botox tech?

Then Casey tells her buddy Courtney that Emily is talking trash, and Courtney starts being a total whore, as expected. She expects Emily to get voted out, and tells her so.

Emily is pretty sure she's gonna get booted, too. She's so upset, the whole left side of her face moved!

But, no. Monica was eliminated.

You can tell she's upset because of the water coming out of her eyes.

She said it was "the most painful thing in this world." I will let it slide this time.

Next episode, they're going to Puerto Rico. Courtney was just there two months ago! Probably on an AARP photo shoot! Emily is going to give Ben another earful about Courtney, and she'll probably get booted after that. In revenge, it appears Courtney goes skinny dipping in the ocean with Ben in front of all the girls. Oh hell no.

Unrelated: Why does Blakeley know how to stomp?

Monday, January 23, 2012

Football Food

First of all, it's much too early for me to speak about. My heart is truly broken. 

And I know, normally I don't speak about sports on my blog because I think by and large people who read blogs hate sports. Suffice to say, yesterday my team lost and it was the game that would have taken us to the Superbowl.

So instead let us discuss what we ate, which was mostly a success, thank goodness. We had shredded beef chuck roast sandwiches (recipe from Everyday Food Dec. 2011) and cilantro slaw (Pioneer Woman).

Now for starters, this shredded beef chuck roast recipe is really, really good. It might be the second best thing I've ever made in my crock pot, right after tikka masala. What gives this recipe bonus points, though, is that the recipe is super simple, the way a crock pot recipe should be. 

First you take your chuck roast and you throw in a head of garlic. Yes, an entire head. For godssakes, don't not throw in an entire head. 

Then you throw in some beef broth, oregano, rosemary, salt and pepper. Then you turn it on HIGH for six or seven hours.

Ok, here's where the slaw entered the picture. I gotta say, Pioneer Woman has skunked me on a few of her recipes. I'm thinking she and I have different palates. Her burgundy mushrooms? My whole family hated them. There are other recipes of hers that I've tried and my husband usually doesn't like them. I'm thinking that after this slaw recipe, I may need to call it quits on PW. I started out with half a head of green cabbage and half a head of red cabbage, shredded. To this mixture I added lots of milk, mayo, sugar, vinegar, salt, and pepper. And cayenne, which gave it a weird spicy kick. In the end it was a soupy, weird-tasting mess. My husband said it tasted like Play-Do. 

So let's just focus on the good stuff. These buns are from Whole Foods and they are the BEST buns in the world. I spread butter on them and put them under the broiler in the oven.

Then I spread on horseradish sauce. I think horseradish is key. If you prefer, you can just mix a little pure horseradish with some mayonnaise. Or if you hate mayo you could use sour cream or yogurt.

Then all you need is the meat and some thinly sliced red onions. It's truly, truly good. AND, the leftover broth makes a really delicious a jus, if you're into dipping. I'm into it. I dig it much.

The true star of the evening yesterday. Thank you, sandwich, for being there for me. I know I can count on you.

For the recipe for the shredded beef, visit this link.

For the recipe for the slaw (but you've been warned), visit this link.

For the recipe for the coleslaw that I should have used yesterday, visit this link. I've made this one several times and it's the bomb.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Again: I was not consulted

For reasons I will never understand, Hollywood does this thing where it latches on to a story and then beats the everloving shit out of it until viewing audiences are like: OK! Uncle! Please, for the love of all that's holy! If I have to watch another Spiderman movie my brain is going to melt out of my ears!

Which is what is about to happen (and is kind of already happening) with the story of Snow White.

For starters, we have the abhorrent TV shows "Once Upon a Time" and "Grimm." They're both new programs, and both cover a gamut of fairy tales, although "Once Upon a Time" focuses mainly on the story of Snow White, her evil stepmother, and some dumb crap about how every fairy tale character in the universe was transported to some town where none of them remember who they are, which is how the queen wants it, inexplicably.

I'm not sure if Grimm has ventured into Snow White territory because I am so goddamn confused about what it's about and why all of the fairy tale characters look like monsters, including Rapunzel, who is a murderous maiden who strangles her victims with her hair (?!?!?!?!?!?).

Not to be outdone, the movie-making industry has decided it also needs to bastardize the Snow White fairytale, which is why there are TWO Snow White movies coming out this year.

One is dark, kind of horror-esque, with Charlize Theron as the evil queen (OK, I'm all right with the casting there) and the soulless Kristen Stewart as Snow White. What the .... who in the world decided that vapidity was a clincher for the role of Snow White? I was not consulted! I protest!! I doth protest much!!


Then there's another one coming out, with Julia Roberts as the evil queen (YAWN). Armie Hammer is the prince. He's the guy that plays the douchenozzle twins in "Social Network." Snow White is played by Lily Collins, a relative unknown. This version is a COMEDY.

Something about all this makes me super ragey. Although PMS might have something to do with it. Also: I wrenched my neck something fierce yesterday and didn't sleep last night partly because some bitch named Leanne called me twice at two in the morning looking for her crack dealer, Art, and partly because my neck is really in severe pain. Conclusion: I'm in kind of a shitty mood to begin with.

In any case, please take a look at these trailers and then emphatically agree with me in the comments section that it is super freaking idiotic that two Snow White movies are coming out this year. Thank you, and goodbye.

Thursday, January 19, 2012


I'm reading an intriguing book called "Brain Over Binge." I'm not a binge eater, but wonder if the principles in this book can be applied to the act of simple overeating. I often eat mindlessly and compulsively.

I'm on a chapter that discusses habits, and the author talks about how, when you do something often enough, it becomes a habit; almost second nature. This is because neurons can change in your brain. They form new connections that become stronger each time you perform a certain action. Likewise, unused synapses will weaken -- essentially breaking the habit.

I want to get rid of my bad habits and start new, good ones. I'm not sure yet how long it takes to form strong enough connections in my brain that exercising every day will become a good habit, or how long it will take the synapses governing my bad habit of compulsive eating to weaken. But I'll let you know.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Review: 1Q84

1Q84 by Haruki Murakami
Published October 2011
925 pages hardcover (I read it on the kindle)
Literary fiction
My rating: 5 stars

I'm not usually a huge fan of books that leave me with more questions than answers. And initially after I finished this book I was like, Meh. I had kind of figured out how it was going to end already, which irritated me, but also satisfied me. And it was a long book, filled at times with what seemed to be, but never was, extraneous information. Each sentence contains a clue, if you want it to. Once I did finally finish the book, which took me about three weeks to read (which is pretty long for me), I couldn't stop thinking about it. And this is what made me realize how brilliant it was.

The book starts out with a question, before you even crack it open. What, who, where, or when the hell is 1Q84? I won't tell you. The book answers that question, and introduces about twenty more. Some get answered; some don't.

The book has two main characters, living out precarious situations that eventually become intertwined. At times, it got my heart thumping pretty good. I'd be yelling in my head: "Look up at the window!" or "Get off the phone!" Also in the book: at least one parallel universe, aliens/mystic beings, murder, and sex. And, I'm always a fan of characters who are referred to by some defining trait. There are plenty of those in the book: The dowager, Ponytail, Buzzcut, Leader, Bobblehead.

And, the book takes place in Japan in 1984. This neatly eliminates cell phones and email (praise be) and lets us learn a bit about Japan. And yes, mention is made of George Orwell's "1984."

And, I dare you not to google Janocek's Sinfonietta at some point during your reading.

Overall I think it's a worthwhile read if you're OK with some of the mystery remaining just that, and you're willing to put in the time it takes to read such a lengthy novel.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Bachelor, Ep. 3: On a Scale of 1 to 10, I feel like I'm gonna throw up

**this post contains spoilers. enter at your own risk**

The title of this post was spoken by Jaclyn, who wins the Best Quote of the Season So Far Award. She was entertaining, but alas, she has been eliminated. Toodle-oo, Jaclyn!

Au revoir, Jaclyn! We hardly knew ye!

Now, let us begin with a reiteration of how bad Ben's hair is. I mean, it is getting worse and worse. I don't need to post photos of cavemen next to his picture because his hair speaks for itself.

Need I say more?!

Ben meets up with his sister and tells her about the women, throwing in that Courtney is "drama-free." Um. If by drama-free, you mean completely psychotic? OK then.

He then takes Emily the epidemiologist on a one-on-one date and forces her to climb the Bay Bridge. These daredevil dates are kind of stupid, if you ask me. Ben kept saying "If Emily and I can climb to the top of the Bay Bridge, there's no telling what we can do together!" Indeed, Benjamin. Profound stuff. But here's some armchair psychiatry for you: Climbing the Bay Bridge together is not necessarily the precursor for actual difficult things like marriage and dealing with a spouse who leaves toothpaste in the sink. You might be surprised how ragey this would make you, Benjamin.

Not that Emily would ever do that.

So of course, what's Emily's worst fear in the entire wide world?? Heights! She's so terrified, she freezes halfway up. Luckily, Ben is a Power Ranger and sends her go-go-gadget bridge-climbing power via a liplock. For reals. She forgets all about how she could fall to her death as soon as he lays one on her.


You know what is HILARIOUS? Popping the top off of a bottle of champagne. I don't know why. It just makes me laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. This is a bad photo of Emily, laughing, as Ben pops champagne, shortly before their own private fireworks show. And yes, I take photos of my TV, hence the reflection from the lamp!

Next up is Ben's group date. They go skiing ....... yawwwwwwwn. Sorry. They go skiing on a street in San Francisco. BUT HOW. OH MY GOD SNOW MACHINES. WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT?!

The girls strip down to their bikinis to ensure maximum harm when they fall. Kasie B glides ass-first straight into Ben's face. She says she doesn't know how to ski ... phsaw, my dear. That took skills. 

I actually am not sure whose ass this is. That is Ben, striking a manly pose off to the left. I suspect they filmed this during the three days in September when there was actually warm weather in San Francisco last year. 

TANGENT: People who live in "San Fran" do not call "San Fran" "San Fran." If they do, they are major douches with shaved chests. Every time you say "San Fran," a bachelorette's mascara runs, Benjamin. Quit that shit.

Continuing the group date, Rachel gets the first kiss of the evening. I don't mind Rachel. She's all right.

Incidentally, Rachel also gets the rose that evening. While Monica is inexplicably crying. Seriously. We have no idea why Monica is crying.

Why are you crying??

Then Ben makes out noisily with Kacie B. All that moist smacking makes my stomach heave. Later, Ben muses: "That one's gonna be trouble for me. Good trouble." Vom dot com.

And in case anyone is wondering, I sort of hate Kacie B and Nicki whatsherface now. I know I put them as front runners in the beginning, but now they are acting like spoiled sorority girls and it's irritating the everloving shit out of me. 

Oh, also, Brittney up and leaves the show for whatever reason. She says it's the hardest decision of her life. We are guessing she's never had to decide to let a comatose relative die rather than hook them up to a feeding machine. It's just a guess. See ya later kiddo.

We think she eliminated herself before Ben could give her the old heave-ho on the one-on-one date. So long! Say hi to your grandma for us!

Then Ben takes Lindzi on a date. They eat mocha chip ice cream, when clearly they should have gotten peanut butter chocolate if it was available. They go to city hall. Some band I've never heard of is playing. They sound like a bad ripoff of Dave Matthews. Ben and Lindzi tongue each other frantically. 

They go to a speakeasy. She tells him about being dumped in a text that said: Babe, welcome to Dumpsville -- population: You. 

If this really happened -- and I'm not convinced it did -- Lindzi lives in some alternate romcom universe. That, or the dude she was dating is the biggest prick I've ever heard of. It's a little hard to swallow (that's what she said).

Anyway, Lindzi gets the rose. They go to a piano store and Lindzi gazes adoringly at Ben while he shows off his mad piano skillz. 

Lindzi                                                                                                         Marsha Brady. Just sayin'.

Then it's finally time for the godawful cocktail party. Ben tells Jennifer she's the best kisser in the house, which isn't creepy at all. Jennifer is still my dark horse. I've got her pegged to go all the way, guys. And I like her even more this episode because she's the only chick who didn't completely lose her shit when Shawntel walked in the room. 

 Ben's "I did not see this coming" face. (that's what she said)


What I'd like to tell all those dummies on The Bachelor: You shut your whore mouth when you talk about Shawntel. She is my girl. Oh, you think it's creepy that she embalms bodies for a living?? Well someone's got to do it! She's all up close and personal with Death, not terrified like your stupid ass.

Shawntel got robbed. Robbed, I tell ya. And actually, whose idiotic idea was it for her to show up in Episode 3?! Why couldn't she have started from the beginning like everyone else? And why is Ben such a douche?!

All the other girls (except Jennifer -- keepin' it classy!) were practically tearing their hair out when Shawntel showed up. Saying it wasn't fair (he's trying to find love, right? Where does fair enter in?!) and calling her Brad's cast-offs and saying she has big thighs. Who said that, Erika? Girrrrrl. You know karma is a mean bitch, right? That's why your lips turned blue and you passed out and then got eliminated. Seeya biznatch. (Oh, also, tattoos on the inner lower lip are strictly for imprisoned gang members, FYI)


Anyway, Shawntel gets sent home but somehow Monica is still on the show?! Don't get me started. And Courtney is freaking scary-crazy.

Next week they're going to Utah. That's all I know. I'm sure it will be shenanigans galore. Til then!