Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Crazy Cat People - the figurine edition

The offer I received in the mail recently for a free Crystal Cat Figurine reminds me of an offer I got from a spam-telemarketer who serial-dialed me no fewer than 30 times last week.

The telemarketer had a really awesome offer. She was gonna send me a $200 gift certificate to Wal-Mart, and all I had to do was give her my credit card number so she could charge me $3.95 shipping and handling to get the gift certificate to me. What a great deal! Since I just fell off the turnip truck, I obviously gave her my credit card information.

Not.

There were three problems with this telemarketing scam. The first was that I effing hate Wal-Mart. The second was that it doesn't cost $3.95 to send someone a gift certificate. The third was that THIS PERSON WANTED TO ROB ME BLIND.

Anyway, I'm sure the Crystal Cat Figurine people don't want to rob me blind. I'm being genuinely un-sarcastic here; I really think the Crystal Cat Figurine people just want me to pay $2.95 shipping and handling, so they can send me my free Crystal Cat Figurine, which is worth $14.95, and is, of course, super awesome.

 What's not to love about these adorable Crystal Cat Figurines?


I'm sure my own cats would not knock them off my free Wooden Collector's Display (it's true! Keep reading!) and break them into four quadrillion pieces.

Here's how this "deal" works. They send you your free Crystal Cat Figurine and free Wooden Collector's Display (it's true!!) .... and then .... and then!!! They predictably keep sending you Crystal Cat Figurines! Which you are then expected to pay for, you silly maroon.


Which means you will have then paid $59.80 for five ugly -- I mean, beautiful! -- Crystal Cat Figurines and a disgusting wooden box. Plus shipping and handling, of course!!


There is the Wooden Collector's Display! Oh, geez. What an awesome deal. If I redeem my credit voucher, I can start my collection today! I have no further obligation to acquire any future Crystal Cat Figurines! I may never get this opportunity again! (They stress that last one in every single piece of junk mail I get.) I only have 14 days to respond before they send my adorable Crystal Cat Figurine to some other insane Cat Lady!!

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