Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Crazy Cat People - The Christmas Edition.

I got a couple of really irresistible offers in the mail recently.

The first was an offer for a FREE Cat Snow Globe Ornament! I need only pay $2.95 shipping and service, with no obligation to purchase anything else. Let's take a look!

This must be from my friend, Helen! Look, she left me a sticky note! She's right. These would look perfect on my tree!

Here's another ornament. It comes in a FREE keepsake, custom-made box! This one says, "Cats are people too!" So true.

Who could resist? These are ornaments from the esteemed Danbury Mint! They are intricately sculpted and hand painted! My free Cat Snow Globe Ornament is a $14.95 value! I can cancel at any time!

So, look, let get realsies for a second. We all know these offers are tailor-made to trick the elderly, right? That is the precise reason why I still receive the magazines TV Guide, Biblical Archaeology, and Working Mother more than three years after my grandmother-in-law passed away. She probably paid for five lifetimes of subscriptions to each. This kind of stuff drives me batshit crazy.

This is deceptive. *fist shake*

Breathe .....

Ok. This next offer isn't trying to pull any punches, it would seem. It's from the American Humane Association, the name of which is a little bit ... tricky. Because you might mistake it for the Humane Society. It calls itself "The nation's voice for the protection of children and animals." Whoever thought up that sentence should be flogged by an English professor. Specifically the chain-smoking, Diet Dr. Pepper-drinking one I had at state. I looked the Association up on the internet and their purpose and organization are fuzzy, to be kind.

In any case, the AHA wants you to buy Christmas cards. They're not going to send them to you for free; you're going to pay $25 for 25 cards.

 Here are a few samples.

 And some more samples.

Here's the only one I might consider buying. The thing is, if I'm going to send out a Christmas card with a cat on it, it should have MY cats on it. Or it should be REALLY funny. (Although I do send one pair of friends the same Christmas card every year, and it does have a picture of a cat on it. It's a long story. (What's up Catprick!?))

Now, even though you ARE paying for these cards, you do still get free stuff! Oh, joy!

 Free address labels!?!?!?!?

 AND free decorative holiday seals!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Stupendous.


I'm feeling a bit sad about humanity right now. I think I'll have some wine.

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