Friday, September 16, 2011

Looking

I stopped watering the plants last Thursday. The list of things I gave a shit about had grown very small, and the front and back yards unfortunately didn't make the cut.

That's not too long to have neglected one's yard, really. One week. Some people go on vacation for a week and no one waters their yard and it's not a big deal. Some people have automatic sprinklers. We are not those people. I am the automatic sprinkler. The manual sprinkler?

Such has been the way of things here for one week. I managed to do one load of laundry. I did make it to the grocery store on Monday. Monday was the day I said: All you have to do is one thing at a time. Now you will brush your teeth. Now you will get in the car. Unfortunately once I was at the grocery store, I neglected to buy about half the things I needed, even though they were on my list. I'd stared at the list for a long time, sure I'd gotten everything, but come to find out ... not so much. 

This has also been the way of things. I'm looking for something, looking for something, looking for something. I know it's exactly where it always is but I already looked there three times and it wasn't there and then, finally, when I've looked everywhere, I find it exactly where I'd already looked three times. This is actually a little frightening, when it happens repeatedly.

I stopped taking my prenatals because they didn't make the list of things I give a shit about this week. I didn't care about the dishes, either, so I didn't do those for a few days, but then finally they started stinking too much and I begrudgingly washed them.

What I really wanted to do was drink lots of coffee and beer. Unfortunately, both turn my stomach. My body still thinks it's kind of pregnant and doesn't want that stuff. It was pretty good with martinis last weekend, though.

I think it might happen today. Or tonight. I thought -- maybe if I do something active, that will get things moving. So I scrubbed the shower. The shower was not on the list of things I give a shit about, and it still isn't, but if you had seen it beforehand, well... The shower needed scrubbing.

After that I was fucking tired. It doesn't take much right now, which also worries me. Emailing is mentally exhausting. There are a few people I need to email after I write this. Anyway, I was worn out, so I took a nap, and when I woke up, I was bleeding. This was a good sign.

This morning I felt very ill and worried I wouldn't be able to eat anything in case I needed to take pain pills during what I've started calling "the big show," or "the big party." So I spoke to myself. Look. I know you've got to do what you've got to do. I'm not going to stop that from happening. But you've got to lay off the nausea, dude. This can get done without nausea.

I watered some of the plants last night. I watered the back lawn. Not the front, yet. The back was worse. The spray nozzle had broken and wouldn't turn off so I just sprayed and sprayed and sprayed. I sprayed the dirt patches in the lawn and stared at the rainbows that sparkled in the mist when the sun hit it just right. There are still beautiful things.

This morning was cold and I stared out the back window and the lawn looks the same, just wet.


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