Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Let's talk about clothing

So at some point before we were married, I accompanied my husband to a well known retail establishment so that he could purchase a suit. And what happened on that day was that no one listened to me about FLAT FRONT IS NOT OPTIONAL and THERE ARE COLORS OTHER THAN BLACK and so what my dear husband ended up in was a dark suit -- almost black -- with pants that were pleated in the front. The tailoring job was less than awesome so the overall effect was of a slightly ill-fitting suit with extra room in the pleated region so you could store apples and oranges or something.

And so as it has been nigh on six years since the purchase of said ugly suit and my husband lost a nice chunk of weight after he ditched gluten, it was time for a new suit. And so we returned to the aforementioned well-known retail establishment over the weekend to procure another suit because, as my husband reminded me, this particular retail establishment's motto is, "You're gonna like the way you look. Guaranteed." We're all about second chances, my husband and I.

And then! We discovered they were having a buy-1-get-1-free sale. Now, ladies. When, since the dawn of time, have you ever stumbled across a sale such as this when shopping for yourself? A sale that lets you purchase an entire expensive outfit and get another entire expensive outfit for free? Exactly never? That's what I thought. Chock it up to the same reason men get paid more, yet their haircuts cost less. Life ain't fair. I ain't ever gonna find a buy-1-get-1-free designer jeans sale. Buy-1-get-1-free Christian Louboutins. Shyeaaah. 

So what I'm saying is we went to the retail establishment and I told our little helper guy, Kenny, that flat front was not optional. Flat front is a must. We are not 80 years old, kind sir. Not yet. And then I said I'd like a lighter gray suit, and Kenny found a lovely one. In addition to a black suit. And Kenny marked all the adjustments that needed to be made on the suits and a nice young woman helped us choose a couple of shirts and ties (ALSO BUY 1 GET 1 FREE. There is no justice in the world) and then Kenny went to eat a burrito and we went home.

The end.

Just kidding.

The moral of this story is that this particular establishment? Needs a female equivalent. I hate shopping for clothes. If I could go to a store where someone tells me what to wear and then makes all the tailoring adjustments for me? I'd totally, totally shop there. Imagine it, ladies. You need jeans. None of the jeans will fit you. So a nice fellow named Kenny finds you a pair of jeans to flatter your physique, and he finds you a lovely top and even a pair of shoes, and then everything that doesn't fit? He has tailored for you! And then he gives you an extra outfit for free!!

Oh, lord. If such things were possible, I could envision world peace.

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