Monday, August 15, 2011

The annual and ever-growing birthday list

So it was a busy weekend. My husband took a couple days off for his birthday (ALWAYS TAKE YOUR BIRTHDAY OFF because I said so and if you don't you will be sad and want to cry) and there were a number of gatherings of people and gifts given and cake eaten and somehow after all that I am down half a pound, so I dutifully submitted the photo of my weight to Natalie, the woman I've never met and continue to hope never to meet because, hello, she has photos of my weight. (Natalie is the Head Bitch in Charge of the Biggest Loser weight loss challenge I stupidly joined a couple weeks ago. There goes another twenty bucks!)

That reminds me -- there's a preview of the new Beavis & Butt-head TV show coming out. And so Beavis and Butt-head are watching Jersey Shore and Snooki's saying, "Yeah, I'm a whore, hello," and Butt-head goes, "Huh huh, that's how she answers the phone." It tickled my funny bone.

Speaking of funny things -- I got my husband this card for his birthday that has a picture of redwood trees on it and the front says something like, "Birthdays always remind me of redwood trees and how majestic and ancient and awesome they are." And the inside says "Thank you for planting them." You may not find this super-hilarious, but I tell ya, when I saw that in the store I about died laughing. Phew! You had to be there.

So I do this thing every year for my husband's birthday, where I list off things about him that I love. The list grows each year because each year he gets older. And sometimes there are repeats in the lists from year to year. I'm only human! I did this to myself and there's no turning back now. So if you do not enjoy gushing lists from wives to their husbands, I advise you to leave now and return tomorrow, when I'll probably have returned to my regular snarkiness.

Darling, this year you are 35. I met you when you were 20. Please stop having birthdays, and also, please stop getting better looking because you're doing this thing where you get better looking and I get uglier and I cannot abide that kind of madness and also, I don't think I have the balls to get plastic surgery. Ok? Ok.

I love ...

35. That you thought my vlog was cute.

34. That you keep trying to hold Simon like a baby even though he hates it.

33. When you cuddle with me in the morning.

32. When you talk to my vagina and tell it to stop killing your sperms.

31. When you get aggro on the ne'er-do-wells in the neighborhood.

30. When you grill meat. 

29. When you make my mom laugh.

28. That you are content with the level of cleanliness, or lack thereof, in our house.

27. When you take me to the movies.

26. That your first order of business on any given day, regardless of the day of the week, is to shower.

25. When you talk shit about the mailman.

24. That no one truly understands what you do for a living. 

23. That you are my sugar daddy.

22. That you support my writerly goals.

21. How sweet you were when I returned from BlogHer.

20. When you wear your new weird shoes.

19. That you love my cooking, 98 percent of the time.

18. That you are an obsessive lock-checker.

17. When you fill my car up with gas.

16. When you vacuum the family room.

15. The way your soap smells.

14. When you look like a bearded mountain man.

13. How you love a cold bed.

12. Drinking wine with you.

11. When you hold my hand.

10. When you laugh at my jokes.

9. That you are the go-to guy for computer problems for the entire family.

8. That you love riding your bike.

7. That you love music.

6. That I love so many things about you that this list isn't hard to write.

5. Traveling with you.

4. When you mimic babies crying.

3. When you mimic old ladies.

2. When you stand behind me and kiss my neck.

1. That you really, really want to have kids with me.

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