Tuesday, July 12, 2011

What do owls have to do with it (or how I am battling sheer terror in the face of BlogHer)?

What I must face, and soon, is that in about three weeks I will be in San Diego, attending BlogHer.

I've known this for quite some time, and yet it has not been until this week that I emerged from a state of denial and entered into a state of panic. I realized I am going to have to try to pass myself off as a blogger, instead of the fraud I actually feel like.

I mean, it's true that I blog. And what I do have going for me is that I am who I say I am. Which is to say: I am an unemployed writer who's desperately trying to finish a book, lose weight, and get pregnant. Those last two things might seem at odds, but that's pretty much how it goes around here.

What I'd hoped would happen before BlogHer were the following:

1) I would lose forty pounds. Do not ask me why I felt the need to lose forty pounds in order to meet three thousand, mostly female bloggers. I feel the need to lose forty pounds for all events. Weddings that aren't mine, my husband's company picnic, Christmas, pregnancy, vacation: These are all legitimate reasons in my tortured brain to lose forty pounds.

2) I would finish my book. BlogHer is nothing if not a spectacular networking event. If the book were finished, BlogHer could be a great opportunity to meet lots of people who might like to read novels about fat girls. 

3) I would be a successful blogger. Which would mean that I would have lots of readers, and advertisers want to put ads on my site and pay me money for them.

4) I would be pregnant. Don't even get me started.

So exactly none of those things happened.

The only one that could possibly still happen before BlogHer would be finishing the book. Unfortunately for me, I realized about a month ago that the entire thing needed major revising, so that's what I've been doing since then. It's anyone's guess if I will be able to pull the rest of it out of my butt before BlogHer. If I do, mayhaps I could get the thing electronically published, but being completely realistic, this is probably not happening.

But never mind any of that.

I still have to find the right shoes to wear and figure out how to make my hair look un-crazy. I did manage to get business cards.

And I realize that owls have nothing to do with anything, but 1) these were cheap and 2) owls are cute.

I also have to brace myself for the flight. Flying is for birds, not people.

I have to adequately prepare my flying buddy/roommate/fellow BlogHer attendee Christina for the sheer idiocy that is me on an airplane. 

I have to choose which seminars I am attending, and more importantly -- which parties.

And I have to calmly remind myself that most of the bloggers who will be there are not just bloggers. Hardly anyone makes any money doing this. Not everyone writes brilliantly every day. Everyone's just a person, and anyone who's a BlogHer virgin is probably a little scared.

So. Are you going to BlogHer? If you are, do you want to be my friend? If you aren't, why?


  1. You will have lots of fun! I always do that 40 pounds thing to myself too. I will buy your book when it comes out, I am sure it will be great!

  2. I know nothing about blogging convention since I don't even presume to be a successful blogger. But I feel pretty safe saying that most of the women at that convention will probably be able to relate to at least 3 of the 4 things on your list. BTW, I LOVE your business cards!

  3. UGHHhHHhhHH- everyone and their mom (literally.) is posting about BlogHer and now i'm totally jealous and hateful bc i'm not going.

    unfortunately, it's just bad timing bc i don't have the money to dedicate to seminars and partying (well, the partying part i would consider). i'm thinking about driving down to SD and crashing all the afterparties and just slapping the old "Hello, My Name is..." sticker on my shirt so i won't look out of place. do you think anyone will notice???

    Poor and Sad in LA.

  4. I meant to lose 30 pounds... Yeah, that didn't happen. We need to hook up when we're there!

  5. You're going to do great! I wish I was going to BlogHer, but I spent all my money on IVF LOL

  6. Kelly - thank you!! The Interwebs will be the first to know when I finish this damn thing.

    Kid Id - You and me both. That's why I'm a fraud. :-)

    TILTE - COME TO BLOGHER! It's in your state! It's close by! At the very least crash the after parties. I'll sneak you in. For realsies. Email me if you decide to go!

    Michon - Word. I'll email you my cell #!

    Serendipitie - I think your priorities are in the right place. :-)