Monday, June 20, 2011

CLEANSE DAY 21 (holy. mother. of. me.)

I knew this woman a long time ago who used to skip breakfast and lunch and eat only dinner. She was very thin. I think she was onto something.

I'm not saying I'm gonna start doing that -- we all know I have little to no self control. But what I am thinking might be a good modus operandi is light breakfast, light lunch, and normal dinner. Is this how regular people eat? Someone tell me. How do normal people eat?

Also: What do normal people look like?

There's a diet called the Carbohydrate Addict's Diet (and hell yes I tried it) that operates by a similar credo: No carbs for breakfast or lunch, and then for dinner you eat whatever the hell you want for ONE HOUR. Fourteen donuts. A cake. A gallon of ice cream. If you could eat it at a normal rate within one hour, it was yours.

And you were supposed to be able to LOSE WEIGHT on this diet.

The diet works. Until you realize you can't eat everything you want in one hour. And then it's like Hour Two and you're eating a bowl of ice cream. FAIL.

Another diet bites the dust. 

This body of mine... This is the body that Taco Bell built. Beer and ice cream had a hand in it as well.

And the funny thing is I haven't had Taco Bell or beer in a long long long long long long time. I had ice cream last night (I'M ONLY HUMAN).

Logically, you would think that once a person stops eating the thing that is making her terribly fat and starts eating things like turnips and pears and salad and no gluten -- you would think she would lose weight. Well, maybe if that person were not descended from a long line of pear-shaped Germans and apple-shaped Mexicans that would be the case. Let us not forget the chipmunk-faced Swedes. 

(Incidentally, do you know what you get when you cross a pear, an apple, and a chipmunk? There's a lot of cellulite involved.)

I'm sure my body's desire to hold on to every last bit of chunk also stems from the fact that I have a vagina, and as everyone knows -- vaginas make you fat. 

So, the cleanse. The almighty, peace-making, skin-clearing, life-altering, energy-giving, poop-shooting, weight-losing, hair-shining, cancer-curing cleanse. Today! Is the last day of the cleanse.

Cleanse: I hardly knew ye. 

Just kidding. I knew ye way too well. Goodbye and good riddance.

You helped me realize I can never be a vegan, or a vegetarian for that matter, because living that way makes me feel terrible. Which is strange because aren't vegans supposed to feel awesome (and morally superior) at all times?? But you also helped me figure out what I need to do if I do want to have energy and lose weight, and poop awesomely.

Thank you for that, dear cleanse.

And now? Don't let the door hitcha where the good lord splitcha.

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