Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Cleanse: Day 15 (love thyself?)

The older I get, the harder it is to lose weight. And one thing that's always been true for me is: Regardless of what I eat, I will not lose weight if I don't exercise.

Unlike my husband, who stopped eating gluten and lost 30 pounds.

Today I weighed in and the total weight lost so far is 7 pounds. Seven pounds is good on a normal diet, but on a cleanse? I can't lie -- I expected more like 15. Of course I haven't been exercising regularly, and I did cheat a couple times, so... 

Have you seen the new show -  Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition? They take a morbidly obese person and follow them for a year and usually the person has lost like 200 pounds. It's pretty cool.

One thing the trainer on that show (and trainers on other shows like The Biggest Loser) is always harping on is lack of self love. They say these people eat the way they do because they don't love themselves. I've read in various books that overeating is a way of stuffing down emotions we don't want to feel. 

What I know from personal experience is that overdoing anything is a way of stuffing down emotions. Over-shopping, over-working, even over-exercising.

I used to work in a high stress job that had me doing about 15 things at once, at any given moment. When I finally quit that stupid job and didn't have so much going on all the time, it was like I'd dived into a pool of emotional issues that had never been dealt with. I mean old, old issues. I was hurt from things I thought I'd already healed of. I was angry. I cried. And then, about six months later, I felt a lot better. I'd had an epiphany and it changed everything for me.

Except my weight. My weight hasn't budged in years, and I started wondering: Is this a lack of self love? I've read that I should treat myself gently, like I'd treat a child. That I should treat myself with kindness and curiosity. When I ask myself: Self, do you love me? The answer is no. I am wracked with self doubt every day, pretty sure everything I am trying to do in my life, I am doing wrong. Pretty sure I will fail. Every now and then I go back and look at a piece of my work that I haven't looked at in a while and I realize -- You know what? This is passable. This ain't terrible

I feel something closer to acceptance than love at those moments.

I don't know how a person loves herself, or if she even should. Maybe this love yourself stuff is just a crock of crap. Kindness I can do, in bouts. Curiosity -- I have that in spades. Trust is out the window. Love probably needs to be earned.

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