Monday, June 13, 2011

Cleanse: Day 14 (cleanse-ing in the red tent)

Maybe I should have tried to organize this cleanse around my period -- so that I wouldn't be anywhere near a raging hormone fiesta while eating nothing but juiced vegetables, raw vegetables, cooked vegetables, and did I mention vegetables?

But whenever I find out about a new diet or cleanse, I typically jump in right away, without giving it much thought. Thusly, I found myself completely exhausted on Friday, then starving all weekend. I juiced each day and ate salads, but I also messed up a couple times. Because meat! And cheese! And chocolate! I love them all. Life without those things is not a life I want to keep living. 

Twenty one days is a long damn time to be on a cleanse. I'm not giving up. I'm just stating the obvious. Because I'd like to go back to eating yogurt and the occasional chicken breast. Oh, and coffee every once in a while. Is that too much to ask?

And yeah, I know I was going to write about something else other than the cleanse, but in case it wasn't already abundantly clear, I am completely consumed with it.

Unfortunately, the cleanse has not made all of my dreams come true, as it was foretold. My ultimate hope was that I would be full of energy, but to be completely honest, I feel almost exactly the same physically (low energy). There are minor improvements where bloating is concerned.

Mentally, the overriding emotion has been frustration. In any diet, the weight just doesn't come off fast enough, does it? It would be simple for me to gain three pounds today if I wanted to, but then to lose those same three pounds would probably take a week and a half to work off. It's not the cleanse I'm frustrated with -- it's me. I'm a cliche, standing in front of the mirror and wondering what exactly happened. 

And wondering why I don't control myself around food. I know the exact right things to eat and when to eat them. The formula for weight loss is there, but I'm like a willful child who refuses to behave. I haven't done it for myself. I haven't done it for my husband (who has never criticized my weight - smart man). I haven't done it for the child I want to conceive. What exactly needs to happen to me in order for me to change? A disease? I wonder if that would even do it.

So it doesn't take a psychotherapist to see I am basically really pissed off at myself. And I know that's not a healthy mental state, and certainly not one conducive to weight loss. I'd like to get to a place of caring for myself, but I've been known to hold a grudge.

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