Wednesday, January 19, 2011

It was the moon all along

WARNING: This post is about my period. There is a little "x" up there in the corner? Click the "x" and this can all go away. Otherwise, what can I say? It's all about my vagina. Always has been.



Oh, you guys, I've got it all figured out, now.

Because I quit taking my birth control pills over the summer? And, to date, my uterus remains a cobwebby, empty, dark place where no fetus dare roam?

I figured out why all by my lonesome.

Because at first my period was like "I'm gonna show up in 28 days!" And then it was like, "No, 27!" Then, "No, 29!" "27!"

Last month it was like, "I don't care how many days, it's gonna be CHRISTMAS! Happy Jesus' birthday TO YOU!"

And today? It was, like, "NO BITCH. 25."

Well, I figured out what's been going on this whole time. My period has been balancing on a teeter totter. That's right, I said a teeter totter! It's been wavering back and forth, trying to get to the perfect middle, where the teeter totter stays perfectly level and the stars align and the angels sing and the blood, it flows. Oh, it flows.

What I'm trying to say is it was trying to land on the full moon.

Today, can I get a slow clap for my period?

CLAP.

CLAP.

CLAP.

Let us toast the magical magicalness that is my vagina. Congratulations, uterine wall! You are shedding right on time, my friend.

RIGHT.

ON.

TIME.

Full moon! You did it. No more teeter tottering needed!

Now, for your next act? Reproduction. Procreation. Sperm meets egg and becomes fetus, and becomes crying screaming pooping baby.


DO IT.

4 comments:

  1. Periods and werewolves have so much in common...

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  2. haha awesome. i had a roommate in college who was ALL ABOUT periods and full moons and stuff like that. it also made me read the book cunt, which was pretty great.

    i digress, go baby making, go!

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  3. Libby - right? Ugh.

    Holly - So I am adding "Cunt" to my book list and noticing there are surprisingly dozens of books with "cunt" in the title. But I think I found the right one. :-)

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  4. Aw, makin babies! I want to!

    I mean, not this second. But soon.

    And I'm totally curious about what my period will do when I'm off the pill ... since I've now officially been on the pill for as much of my life as I was off the pill ...

    Whoa! I just realized that now that I'm 30, I'm probably just months away from having spent more than half of my life having sex! Go giner go!

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