So the deal is that on Sunday I was sitting on the couch, drinking a cup of coffee, and I sneezed. I sneeze frequently, because I have allergies, and I sound like I'm stuffed up all the time. It is life, and it is what it is.
So I sneezed and I felt a snap. A pang. A twist. A zap. Under my belly button. I looked down at my lower abdomen to see if my skin had gotten twisted in my pants or a big bug had crawled onto my stomach and bitten me or a thorn had somehow worked its way into my underwear. Weirder things have happened.
There was no snag, no bug, no thorn. And right at that moment, I decided I probably have a hernia. I started to feel a pressure in my abdomen. It was unnatural. I sneezed a couple more times and the pain returned each time, more forcefully, more stabbing. I decided by bedtime that I had an ectopic pregnancy and my fallopian tubes were about to explode and kill me. Somehow.
By morning I'd decided I had cervical cancer and would need an emergency radical hysterectomy. Do not ask me what the difference is between a normal hysterectomy and a radical one, I just knew mine would be radical. In a bad way.
In the morning I called an advice nurse, who seemed stumped. She said a doctor would call me back, but none ever did. So I made an appointment with my doctor.
Fast forward to me lying on an examining table and my doctor palpating my organs. Not pregnant. No hernia. I probably will not need an emergency radical hysterectomy. I may have torn a muscle when I sneezed, though. Which is fucking pathetic. She recommended ibuprofen. I could have seen my mother for the same advice. My mom has a long history of diagnosing medical conditions and doling out medication.
And then she scheduled a follow up appointment due to my elevated blood pressure. Well hello. I thought I needed a hysterectomy. Of course my blood pressure is elevated. She prescribed pills I have no intention of taking.
Anyway. Kaiser is awesome. Once again I have received a "let's wait and see" diagnosis, which translated from Kaiser-ish into English means: We have no intention of spending money on expensive tests to diagnose you until you are moments from death. Please leave now.
I mean, I hope it's just a muscle tear. But maybe I am aborting a fetus. Maybe my fallopian follicles have been compromised. Are there such things as fallopian follicles? Maybe I have a parasite. My doctor will surely be sorry if I return in two weeks with more pain and it turns out to be a hideous parasite that ate my bladder.
Anyway. That whole muscle tear thing was probably anti-climactic, huh? Well join the club. Bub.