Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Spray some windex on it

So the deal is that on Sunday I was sitting on the couch, drinking a cup of coffee, and I sneezed. I sneeze frequently, because I have allergies, and I sound like I'm stuffed up all the time. It is life, and it is what it is.

So I sneezed and I felt a snap. A pang. A twist. A zap. Under my belly button. I looked down at my lower abdomen to see if my skin had gotten twisted in my pants or a big bug had crawled onto my stomach and bitten me or a thorn had somehow worked its way into my underwear. Weirder things have happened.

There was no snag, no bug, no thorn. And right at that moment, I decided I probably have a hernia. I started to feel a pressure in my abdomen. It was unnatural. I sneezed a couple more times and the pain returned each time, more forcefully, more stabbing. I decided by bedtime that I had an ectopic pregnancy and my fallopian tubes were about to explode and kill me. Somehow.

By morning I'd decided I had cervical cancer and would need an emergency radical hysterectomy. Do not ask me what the difference is between a normal hysterectomy and a radical one, I just knew mine would be radical. In a bad way.

In the morning I called an advice nurse, who seemed stumped. She said a doctor would call me back, but none ever did. So I made an appointment with my doctor.

Fast forward to me lying on an examining table and my doctor palpating my organs. Not pregnant. No hernia. I probably will not need an emergency radical hysterectomy. I may have torn a muscle when I sneezed, though. Which is fucking pathetic. She recommended ibuprofen. I could have seen my mother for the same advice. My mom has a long history of diagnosing medical conditions and doling out medication.

And then she scheduled a follow up appointment due to my elevated blood pressure. Well hello. I thought I needed a hysterectomy. Of course my blood pressure is elevated. She prescribed pills I have no intention of taking.

Anyway. Kaiser is awesome. Once again I have received a "let's wait and see" diagnosis, which translated from Kaiser-ish into English means: We have no intention of spending money on expensive tests to diagnose you until you are moments from death. Please leave now.

I mean, I hope it's just a muscle tear. But maybe I am aborting a fetus. Maybe my fallopian follicles have been compromised. Are there such things as fallopian follicles? Maybe I have a parasite. My doctor will surely be sorry if I return in two weeks with more pain and it turns out to be a hideous parasite that ate my bladder.

Anyway. That whole muscle tear thing was probably anti-climactic, huh? Well join the club. Bub.


  1. My god. Sneezing is dangerous. Someone should do a PSA.

  2. This is a PSA in its own demented way, don't you think? But perhaps I should have really spelled it out: "Do not be super lazy for 32 years and then just expect to be able to sneeze without repercussions!"

  3. Ok, I know I'm not supposed to be laughing my head off as you're describing some serious issues. You have the gift of taking something serious and bringing humor and lightness to it.

  4. One time, I sneezed and tore the muscle right off my ribcage. Good times that was. Except that it wasn't. Although I like how we evolve these things to be greater than they actually are. I thought I was having a heart attack, but was assured that a heart attack wouldn't hurt nearly as much as ripping flesh from bone.


    Kaiser is the reason I only go to the doctor about once every five years. Unless I have a laceration that I cannot get to stop bleeding, or there is jagged bone sticking out of my skin, I will always choose to self medicate with a handful of Tylenol and a 6-pack of some IPA over going to Kaiser.

    Anyhow, sorry about your injury... I hope it goes well.

  5. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks random pains are ectopic pregnancies. Sneeze careful.

  6. I have to put this on my list of things that can kill you. I have spent the better part of my life sneezing carelessly. That ended today, thank you.

  7. I am SO impressed that you know all of those terrible medical issues and their fancy terms. I would have just thought I broke an organ.