Thursday, November 04, 2010

Guest post regarding my very serious condition

Shortly after I posted yesterday, I received an email from Kaiser notifying me that my Vitamin D level had dropped another five points, despite my admittedly lackluster effort to raise it. This resulted in a whole new internet search that concluded with my latest self-diagnosis of parathyroid disease. 

Shortly after that, I received an email from my mom, Anita, who was inspired to write a guest post. See, I come by my hypochondria quite honestly. I come from a long line of Jump-to-Conclusion-ers. We know this about each other and often take to mocking one-another and throwing in a lot of eye-rolling. For example, my mother called me "Rip" yesterday, and then laughed uproariously. She'll be sorry, someday. 

Please read on...

It All Started With a Sneeze
by Anita

I come from a long line of hypochondriacs.

My dad, who died at the age of 90, was always giving himself the latest disease that any friend or relative happened to have. He sometimes mentioned that he had a "touch of diabetes." Or, during his last hospital stay he told a very lengthy story about his fight with colon cancer – which he never had.

While it’s true he did have bladder cancer later in life, which was caused by 50 years of smoking, he never had any other form of cancer. Many of my family members on my father's side of the family suffered from this syndrome. And yet, for the most part almost all of them have managed to live full lives without any major diseases. The worst of it has been high blood pressure. But let’s face it, dad lived to be 90 and he has two older sisters WHO ARE STILL ALIVE. Blanche will be 99 this week and Dolores is 94.

So when I called my beloved first-born this week and she seemed a little down I asked her what was going on. She explained that on Sunday she had sneezed and felt a snap in her tummy and has had subsequent pain whenever she sneezes. She went on to say she was going to the doctor and was very upset because she was convinced it was a hernia and she was going to have a surgery wherein there would be mesh put inside her muscle and how could she get pregnant with a bunch of mesh and what would happen, etc., etc.

WHOA there girl, jumping to conclusions you are! And sure enough the doctor said it was a small muscle tear that would probably heal itself. There. No problem.

So today is the fifth consecutive day that I have had a migraine. It’s probably just a small tumor flare-up that will linger and not kill me quickly. It’s OK. I’ve lived a full life and I’m ready to meet my maker.

But I sure hope I get to meet those grandbabies.

Uh oh, hold on, I think I feel a sneeze coming on…


  1. OK -- for the record, your mom is freaking hilarious. I see some things are hereditary. ;)

    Although you may want to check to make sure you didn't separate your septum when you sneezed ... kidding. I'm kidding.

    And as for the hernia/muscle tear/kid thing? I have no gallbladder (they had to remove it) and I had an ovarian cyst removed when I was 3 months pregnant with my first kid. I've got so many surgery scars its ridiculous. So moral of the story: You would have done JUST FINE. :)

    Missed your posts! xoxo

  2. Hahaha this is great. I also am crazy too and have been since I was a kid. Since my Dad is the funniest guy on earth he would always tell me the doctors would have 'amputate it.'

    Here are some examples:

    Me: "Dad, my leg hurts when I bend it this way."

    Dad: "Son, this is a very serious condition, they'll probably have to amputate it."

  3. And by some examples I meant an example