If the thought had occurred to me this morning, I might have considered calling 911 to request an ambulance, since it was possible I was about to die.
As it happened, I instead just thought to myself:
Well. This might be it. I think I am having an asthma attack and a panic attack at the same time, and what is probably going to happen is I am going to pass out and knock my head on something and bleed out and die.
Later, my husband would discover my body, and being a sensible person, he would call 911.
What happened, officer? he might ask.
Well, sir, the officer would say, It appears your wife was attempting to exercise.
My husband would nod knowingly.
As it happens, Jillian Michaels - 30 Day Shred did not kill me, it only temporarily incapacitated me by causing me to have labored breathing and making me feel like I had to vomit. The nausea stayed with me for about an hour, which is pretty impressive, Jillian, I must say.
I knew I was probably in for it about 30 seconds into the video, when I was doing windmills with my arms and I'd already broken a sweat. Lest there is any doubt as to my serious lack of fitness, let me explain: There are three levels of the Shred, from easiest to hardest, and they are each 20 minutes long. About halfway through the easiest level this morning, I had to stop because I couldn't catch my breath.
I'd always thought that if I ever had a chance to be on a show for mediumly fat people, I would totally do it and would take all the punishment that a trainer like Jillian could dish out, but as of today I have completely changed my mind. I am not cut out for it.
There was a time when Level 1 of the Shred would have been totally doable for me. Those were my 1,000 calorie days, when I was thin(ner) and could run and do lunges and lift weights and I had hip bones and a clavicle. Aren't clavicle bones sexy?
I've been thinking about those days lately. Well, I think about those days all the time, because I am trying to get those days back, hence the near death experience this morning.
I do this a lot, these big starts, although it goes against the advice of almost every one of the considerable number of diet books I have read. I'm convinced one day it will stick, so I keep doing it.