Thursday, September 16, 2010

Local woman of little mystery

So here is a confession that I didn't think I would share with you, but I have a problem with holding back and also, I see little harm in sharing this, other than the fact that I will always be unable to surprise you.

And actually, when I tell you this, you are going to roll your eyes and then go read the news or return to your spreadsheet or whatever it is you probably ought to be doing.

My confession is this: I just finished this book, Get Ready to Get Pregnant: Your Complete Prepregnancy Guide to Making a Smart and Healthy Baby.

Firstly, I am not pregnant. I am getting ready to get pregnant, as the book states, and what I realized after finishing this book is the following:

1. I am not ready to get pregnant.

2. I should have read this book 14 years ago. Literally.

3. I took a test in this book that was supposed to grade my readiness for pregnancy, as far as my health is concerned, and I scored 40%. The good news is that I could have scored in the negatives, which is what happens when you are an alcoholic whose husband beats her and who smokes two packs a day and sometimes snacks on two-day old cat turds out of the litter box.

4. Toxoplasmosis. I love that word. It is not a good thing to ever get, but say it with me: Tockso-plazz-mosis!

5. My baby is probably going to be schizophrenic or autistic, or both.

6. If I can get pregnant. There is a 15% infertility rate for women my age. Oh, my poor, aging ovaries.

7. I should have probably stuck with my New Year's resolution to lose weight.

8. Everything in my house is going to kill me (or the fetus. Mmmm, fetus). My water, my food, my bed, my cats, dust mites, the paint on the walls. We are doomed.

9. I have the eating habits of a 19-year-old male.

10. This book sucked.

So there you have it. I might not be ready to get pregnant, and Dr. Lu would probably put me on a diet for two years before he would be OK with me conceiving, but my plan is to blithely disregard almost everything he says.

Things I will take to heart -- eating my fruits and veggies, eating organic/antibiotic-free/hormone-free food, drinking filtered water, not sniffing car fumes or eating cat poops, cleaning my house, and going for a walk every now and then. Also, I am scheduling a dental appointment (GAHHHHH) and will be getting a flu shot.

Dr. Lu can pretty much suck it in regards to everything else.


  1. One of the best things about beign pregnant? NOT HAVING TO CHANGE THE LITTER BOXES. 9 months of beautiful freedom.

    Did it mention anything about all the things you can't eat when your'e preg? including tuna, queso dip and blue cheese? It's true.

  2. Amanda - You didn't mention it, but guess who did?? That sadist, Dr. Lu, that's who. :-)

  3. I'm convinced that 99% of pregnancy books out there are trying to scare people into believing that they're unfit/not ready to be parents. To which I say, "suck it."

    YOU know when you're ready.

    However, there IS one good book that I read/used. It's called: "How to Choose the Sex of your baby" (

    Now, even if you DON'T have a preference, its an interesting and helpful read. It helps you find out, without buying ovulation strips, when you're ovulating/when you're most fertile.

    Its perfect for when you're "getting ready", because you have to chart things out/pay attention for a good month or two before you see the pattern. (Or, if you want to use mine, let me know and I'll mail it to you.)

    And have fun practicing. :)

  4. Shell -- I am just enough of a control freak to want to choose the sex of my baby, ahahha... I'll see if I can download that to the Kindle. Minal clued me in to an iPhone app that helps you track your period/ovulation/fertile days so that should also be helpful.

  5. Queso dip? NoooOOooooOOooo!

    As if the indignities your vagina will suffer are not enough, but queso dip is out? Sushi is bad enough, but that is just too much injustice.

    That's it. No kids for me.

    Mmmm ... queso ...

  6. I ate blue cheese. A LOT of blue cheese. And I was overweight. And I didn't get the flu shot. Or that nasty H1N1 shot. My fetus could have died! My point is, I gave birth to three healthy boys while doing everything I shouldn't. I sucked back 6 packs daily. I didn't actually do that. But you'll be fine, as will the fetus. :)

  7. Umm, if you don't eat cat poop, how will you ever wake up in the mornings??

  8. I drank soda with caffeine pretty much throughout my pregnancy. And your sister can assure you that, while he's a tad strange, my son is above average in most areas. The strangeness just comes from having to live with me and my husband. Part genetics, part environment, no part in-utero trauma.

  9. Who is ever ready to be a parent-physically, mentally, or emotionally?

    Be consoled, I was old when I had my first baby and older with my second baby. Try not to stress. Stress is the killer. Relax and let go. You have awesome friends who will support you at all stages in your life. You Rock!

  10. Can a guy read this book? I'm intrigued...

    Makin' babies is a rough order of business.