Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Kindness of the desperate

Yesterday I was asked to come back to my old job to fill a temporary, 11-month position.

Eleven months is almost a year, obviously.

I told them that would be impossible because 1) I burned all of my old work clothes or sold them in the garage sale. 2) I don't wear high heels any more. 3) If I have to sit in that office for more than 15 minutes my brains will melt and leak out of my ears.

Also, Dr. Lu says if you are stressed out during pregnancy, your baby will emerge with horns and fangs. I'm not pregnant, but could conceivably become pregnant during the next 11 months. 

I'm being snarky, but I did politely decline the offer. The people-pleaser in me wants to help them out -- I do actually like the people on the team that needs help -- but the realist in me knows it is a total no-go. I realized about a month after leaving that job I could never go back to corporate real estate.

Actually, the people pleaser in me almost ordered something I didn't actually want for dinner the other night, because I was at a German restaurant for Oktoberfest, and tri-tip is so not German. I am a weird soul. Why should I care what other people think if I order tri-tip during Oktoberfest? I ordered it. It was all right, and I did get red cabbage, so there was that.

That is really beside the point.

The main reason I can't go back (aside from my sheer hate for the profession) is that I have word-count goals I must meet every day, and if my brains are melting out of my head for eight hours a day in some office where everyone is coughing the H1N1 virus all over each other every day, I will certainly not be able to meet those goals.

(Aside: I do not do well in large offices with a hundred or so cubicles because I have a bad habit of absentmindedly playing with my lips when I'm focusing on something, so I end up getting the flu every year. It's really dumb.)

(By the way, Dr. Lu says if you get the flu during pregnancy your kid could be schizophrenic. Which: WHAT THE HELL?!)

So anyway. That is that. This is the second time in seven months that I've been asked to fill a temporary position at my old company. It's lovely to be wanted and sort of validating in a way. Obviously if I were a complete fuck-up they wouldn't want me to come back. So I thank them for their kindness and for thinking of me but as for whether I will ever be going back there, whether on a permanent or temporary basis, that is a big hell to the no.


  1. I think the karma gods have a BIG surprise in store for Dr. Lu and all his scare tactics.

    And yes, its always nice to be wanted and appreciated. However, I'm sure you appreciate your sanity much more without the daily craziness you left.

  2. They could have hired me at one point but opted for another gossip queen. Screw those people.

  3. Oh, I hear ya! The first day I clocked in to my "office" job, I knew I had made a huge mistake, having already hated working there several years earlier. I was going back to school and desperate for a job that paid well and provided flexible hours, so I went back. Six years later (it was supposed to be like 2-3) I finally got to give them all the proverbial finger and quit for good. They could not pay me enough to go back, even for a day.

  4. Shell - I know, huh? Dr. Lu can suck it.

    Ben - it's all about favoritism at that place. It's hard to get in if you don't know them, even though the job blows.

    Melissa - Amen, sister.