TV news thinks I have esophageal cancer. The burning sensation probably has nothing to do with the jalapeno-laden Mexican meal I ate. Let's not deny what's really happening here. I have limited time.
The news says 16,000 people get esophageal cancer every year, and most people think it's just heartburn. Until they're dead.
Never mind that every year:
About 180,000 people get breast cancer.
About 1.1 million have heart attacks.
About 60,000 people are diagnosed with melanoma.
More than 1,000 people are struck by lightning.
1.5 million people die from malaria.
Never mind that. Esophageal cancer is my doom.
Also never mind that TV newscasters are unable to correctly pronounce words like "bay area," "Friday," and "temperatures." Never mind that. They know what's going on. Esophageal cancer. Doom.
Also: Lice. It's an epidemic of tiny bugs that have grown resistant to Rid-x or whatever it is mothers have been using for generations. WHAT WILL WE DO????!!!! OH GOD NOOOOOOO.
Ok that's out of my system. I bid you farewell (because of the cancer. And doom).
P.S. There is a new superbug from India that is sure to kill us all, if cancer and doom don't do the job first. Cheers!