Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Where I say my goodbyes

TV news thinks I have esophageal cancer. The burning sensation probably has nothing to do with the jalapeno-laden Mexican meal I ate. Let's not deny what's really happening here. I have limited time.

The news says 16,000 people get esophageal cancer every year, and most people think it's just heartburn. Until they're dead.

Never mind that every year: 

About 180,000 people get breast cancer.
About 1.1 million have heart attacks.
About 60,000 people are diagnosed with melanoma.
More than 1,000 people are struck by lightning.
1.5 million people die from malaria.

Never mind that. Esophageal cancer is my doom.

Also never mind that TV newscasters are unable to correctly pronounce words like "bay area," "Friday," and "temperatures." Never mind that. They know what's going on. Esophageal cancer. Doom.

Also: Lice. It's an epidemic of tiny bugs that have grown resistant to Rid-x or whatever it is mothers have been using for generations. WHAT WILL WE DO????!!!! OH GOD NOOOOOOO.

Ok that's out of my system. I bid you farewell (because of the cancer. And doom).

P.S. There is a new superbug from India that is sure to kill us all, if cancer and doom don't do the job first. Cheers! 


  1. I will be killed by the following things: microwaving stuff in plastic containers, drinking tap water, talking on my cell phone, and eating too much sugar. See you in the great beyond.

  2. I know it seems insensitive to dismiss 16,000 people, bit that is some infinitesimal part of .1% or something. That being said, my grandfather died of esophageal cancer and he always thought his pain was related to ulcers. But I constantly have to remind myself (or my dad reminds me) to keep things in perspective. And that can be really difficult in my line of work (mom or doula).

  3. I was waiting for someone to say "my ___ died of esophageal cancer." I am a dick. Sorry Katie. :-( My point of course is not that esophageal (or any) cancer should not be taken seriously, but that the media is out of its goddamn mind. That said, they may have saved lives by running that story, so.... As stated previously: I am a dick!

  4. You are not a dick! Couldn't agree with you more.

  5. need to read this book called "The Unthinkable: Who Survives When Disaster Strikes and Why?" It isn't totally about what you are talking about but it totally puts these fearful notions of impending doom and dread in check. It talks about what people do in disasters and how the mind works and rationalizes and why? I really think you would like it since you are a worrier like me!

  6. Also, the book says that more people are killed by lightning each year then any other weather related death in the United States. FYI...haha

  7. Funny, or not, before I read your post, I made an appontment because I have small itchy moles on my back. Then I started day dreaming about dying and leaving my poor kids motherless. It wasn't a happy day dream.

  8. With my family history of medical maladies I could live in a freaking bubble and still not be safe... and that doesnt get me, my own clumsiness will. So eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow some asshat might push you onto the 3rd rail.

  9. Great. Now I'm sure I have esophageal cancer.