As various contractors have been tracking dirt through our house for a few months, I've been required to rise from my bed at an hour that does not agree with me.
My husband is a morning person. He says he's cheerful in the mornings because nothing has gone wrong yet that day. For me, everything has already gone to shit if it's still dark outside and I'm awake.
There is a blast radius he would do well to steer clear of if I'm standing in front of the closet at 7 a.m., flinging things around, but he just can't help himself -- he is so damn cheerful in the mornings.
PUT YOUR SHOES IN THE CLOSET: An example of what the demon in me demanded of him this morning when he dared approach.
DO YOU NEED THIS?! A question, accompanied by dramatic eye roll in regards to eighteen-thousand-year-old piece of junk mail on the coffee table.
Packing for a trip is another instance in which I become possessed with unearthly rage.
Did you pack my toothbrush? my husband will ask innocently.
To which I will answer, Are you unable to pack your own toothbrush? I am not your mother. This is often accompanied by a piercing, hooded-eye stare.
I inherited a distaste for packing for vacation from He Who Shall Not Be Named. As kids, my sister and I would sit quietly with our packed bags, preferably in the car -- as far from the packing rage as we could get. It was easy to be sucked into the vortex if you walked too close to it, and sometimes the vortex would seek you out, regardless, demanding that you take out the trash or do the dishes or clean up the house in some other way, because nothing was as enraging as an untidy home during a packing rage.
Sometimes packing rage was so distracting, we would forget to pack essentials like underwear.
We should probably all be required to keep a running list of our faults that we photocopy and hand out to new friends and family members.
- Will not eat melon.
- Will not ride roller coasters.
- Is rageful before 8 a.m.
- Is rageful while packing for trips.
- Is rageful while cleaning house.
- Is rageful during PMS.
- Is disorganized.
- Eats too much ice cream.
- Has been known to sabotage others' diets.
- Does not enjoy strenuous exercise.
- Does not return phone calls.
- Is awkward with children.
Then that potential friend or new in-law could decide if they even want to deal with you or if you're just too much trouble to be bothered with.