Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Fulfilling promises

Some time about a thousand years ago (in blogging years) I promised that if I hit a certain benchmark, I would video blog, thereby subjecting all unfortunate readers who stumble upon this blog to my really, really big head/face and the grating sound of my voice.

The benchmark was this: Either 100 Twitter followers, 100 unique blog hits or 100 Facebook fans.

Not exactly a huge goal, but one that nonetheless seemed improbable, given that at the time I think I had 23 Twitter followers, 23 unique blog hits and 23 Facebook fans. All have grown impressively this year as I've had more time to devote to the blog, but none so much as Twitter, which currently says I have 97 followers.

I have never asked for more followers or more hits or more fans because I never wanted to actually fulfill my promise, since we all know that even the most successful and attractive bloggers are straight up awkward on video. That is why we write, duh. We have faces for radio.

The problem is that Twitter is so ... networky ... that when you follow someone, particularly if they are following or being followed by people who follow you or who you follow (do you follow me?), they will probably follow you back. Hence the 97 followers. 

I don't even know what I would say in a video blog. I could point out the asymmetrial nature of my eyebrows. I could wear a wig. I could sing a song, poorly. I could introduce the cats. I could surround myself with creepy dollies and just stare into the camera without saying a word. I could eat lunch on camera. Just 10 minutes of me eating a sandwich.

All of those sound really awesome, probably.

Which is why I probably should not get any more followers on Twitter. I need time to think about this, and also lose 15 pounds so my head shrinks a little.

Ok? So if you do not follow me, please continue doing that. If you are following me, please consider unfollowing me. What, really, are you gaining by following me? Not a lot, I promise.

In fact, I may begin a campaign to lose followers by posting offensive and boring Tweets, especially Tweets about kid poop, even though there's no kid poop around. I'll say there is and describe it in all of its noxious detail. You wouldn't want that, would you?

All right. I'm glad we agree on that.

P.S. Good news!! As of 5 p.m. today I am down to 96 followers! 


  1. Yeah, ain't no WAY I'm doing a vlog. Ever. I can find other ways to drive people away. :)

  2. Seriously. I'm not sure what possessed me to promise such a thing. Someone told me vlogging was the new blogging, I think, and I was resigning myself to the idea of it, but now the thought terrifies me.

  3. You should record yourself doing shaky face and drink business juice.

    This comment is not the event.

  4. I have three boys. I'm up to my ass in kid poop. Bring it on. I have details that'll make you cry. :)

  5. My kid loves Apricots, which I am pretty sure is French for "laxative."

    You can't scare me.

  6. I forgot there are too many mommies out there who are immune to kid poop. Will have to come up with something more disgusting, somehow...

    John: I need to call your wife about this inside joke of yours. Shaky face and business juice is not a bad idea...

  7. If I would tweet, I would follow you. My life is wayyyy to boring to tweet about, but I would love to see you do a blog, so I hope you get 100 followers. Who- hoo! Yep, poop does not bother me. It gets stinker as they get older but you get use to it. I bet this totally makes you want to have kids or not. Ha!

  8. If you do a post about kid poop, can you please address beets? My 1 yr old is bonkers for beets these days and well, let's just say that three hours after she ate them the first time....I thought she was bleeding internally. It was baaaaaad. So, yeah. Kid poop. Let's go there. Of course, you could always post more videos of your cats. Who doesn't love watching a cat get hit with Sscat?

  9. Trisha - Indeed, the thought of wiping kids poopy butts makes my ovaries sing!

    Sarah/Josh: What. The. F*ck. So disturbing.

  10. i'm sorry but i just brought you back up to 97 on twitter... can't remember how i found your blog but it was recently and i keep coming back for more! thank you

  11. girL - you have disobeyed a direct order. You should not join the army. Ah well. Some other spammer asshole bumped me up to 98, F*CK!