Friday, July 23, 2010

What I am pretty sure of

I am pretty sure that the older I get, the more emotional I am becoming. As a teen and in my early twenties, sometimes I felt completely cold and numb and hard and now, at 31, I weep on command.

I read this blog post today that referenced an article that referenced a study that said women are their most attractive at age 31. I have a flattering friend who has said to me this year: Are you getting better looking? And I said, no, I quit my job and now I get eight hours of sleep, so my face looks more alive, and after all, how can someone with my body mass index have become better looking? Well, lo and behold, it's because I am 31. Who knew there was an advantage to that?

I am the kind of person people tell embarrassing things to. Later on, do they kick themselves and think, Gah, I never should have told her that? I don't know why people tell me about their STDs and cheating spouses and such, although alcohol probably loosens lips.

I am pretty sure I am not supposed to have started all of these sentences with the word "I." I once had a teacher who condemned this practice. But who cares if all of my paragraphs start with "I"? That teacher was probably obsessive compulsive.

I think lots of people are autistic and don't know it.

I am just now learning not to take myself so seriously. Why did it take me this long to just now reach the tip of the iceberg of my own self righteousness and pity and recognize it for what it is? Which is: useless. I am beginning to learn to replace it with humor.

Many people think I am wrong and think I am going to reform at some point, but what I wish they knew was what I knew, which is that there is nothing to reform. Good people are what they are, no matter what they affiliate themselves with or call themselves. They aren't going to be punished in the after life.

Every day, without fail, my neighbor screams at her kids and I wonder to myself, Am I going to scream at my kids every day? Is this normal? I've been told by former co-workers and current friends that I seem calm, I have a calming presence, even if I know I'm about to have a heart attack. I hope I am calm with my children.

People change and sometimes it's disappointing and sometimes it's a good thing. Everyone does change and will or has changed. Sometimes they fit better with you after the change and sometimes they don't. Sometimes it makes me sad. Sometimes it takes a very big thing happening to facilitate certain changes. Sometimes people are vague, no?

I have a small family. Puny, tiny, teensy little family. Yesterday I read something someone said about how her boyfriend has 120 cousins. She herself was astounded by this -- she has 9 cousins. I have one cousin, plus a half cousin I have never spoken to. I feel like every year my family gets smaller, and it does. The only one working on bringing in new blood is my one young cousin, who has had two children.

My mission to quit coffee failed miserably in one week, following a bad headache. Coffee wins.

Another friend is pregnant, and another just had a baby. More are lined up, pregnant with first or second children, waiting to birth. A friend tells me this may be the tipping point at which more people in a certain group of friends are either pregnant or have children than do not. She is right. I am not pregnant. Neither is she. To my knowledge.

Ok, stream of consciousness complete. Happy weekend.


  1. I can answer one of your questions with absolute certainty - YES. Yes, you will scream at your kids everyday. You wont mean to, but you will. Then you will feel badly about it, cry when they aren't looking... get up the next day, rinse and repeat.

  2. I'm 30, and I'm told from time to time that I've been getting better looking. Does this mean I only have one more year left to reach my goal of looking like Heidi Klum?

    I read about that 120 cousins things too... I have a total of 6 cousins. Two girls and a boy on my dad's side and two girls and a boy on my mom's. But I couldn't tell you the last time I saw any of them.

    Sometimes I try to quit coffee too but then my head laughs and laughs and then screams and screams at me. Looks like coffee is here to stay.

    There are tons of people I know who are popping out babies. Or their girlfriends/wives are. I am not pregnant. I am a-okay with this.

  3. re kids: Its all about who you're hanging out with. With one group of friends, I felt like I was WAY behind, they all had kids. I felt like I was missing out on some big mystery. When I got pregnant with Sean, I was the only one to even get to that point with another group of friends. It was weird, because I was the only one with changing priorities. Again, I felt like I was the odd man out, somehow.

    In the end though -- I was where I was supposed to be at that time. So are you. And just because someone is at point C and you're still at point b? Who cares? When you're ready and you want to get to point c, then you will. But enjoy point b first. There's no turning back.

    And you've always seemed cool under fire. I'll bet you'll be the kind of mom that WHEN you raise your voice, your kids listen. And then start shaking in their shoes. :)

    And although I don't see you often in person, I've seen you in pictures, and I definitely think you've gotten prettier. Maybe its the increased confidence. The sense of self. Maybe its the glow of quitting your job and following your dream. Who knows? But you look faboo -- so rock it!

  4. I think this blog post needs a map. (In a good way!)

  5. Sigh.... I'm way past my prime.

    Anyway, there are so many truths in this post. I wish we got together more often so we could chat about these things.

  6. I love your stream of consciousness! And your blog! I'm glad I found you.