Friday, July 16, 2010

I make no promises

Every now and then someone informs me there is a whole new way to die that I never even knew about.

Like a few months ago I was watching one of those "End of the World" Discovery channel shows where they were exploring all the different ways the world could end. For the record, none of them involved blood covering the sun and zombies coming out of the ground.

But they went over all the normal stuff. Meteors and catastrophic global cooling. Like in The Day After Tomorrow. Ya know. Nothing new. And then they were like: And we could also get sucked into a black hole.

What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh......

That is a thought that had never occurred to me. I guess that if we get sucked into a black hole, we basically get squished to death.

Remember when Han and Luke and Chewbacca were stuck in the trash compactor? Hmm.

Anyway, this morning I woke up and I am not joking here, my first thought was, I REJECT BLACK HOLES. My puny human brain does not GET IT, therefore they do not exist. End of story.

Yesterday a dear friend of mine called me, and after a lively conversation about the twenty quadrillion women we know who are pregnant, I hung up and realized that the word "vagina" never used to come up in casual conversation. But now it's like Oh vagina this and vagina that. Which doesn't bother me, because vagina is a hilarious word, actually. And vaginas are sort of hilarious, too.

Poor vaginas. They go through so much.

This friend and I, neither of us are pregnant or have kids, but we discuss pregnancy and children at length, I suppose attempting to comfort ourselves about the possibility of having to push a human through our ... vaginas. And when we hang up, I am always more terrified than I was before. Suffice to say I am woefully unprepared for procreation.

I read something the other day that said I may not be able to conceive due to my low Vitamin D.

Did you know that deficiency in Vitamin D is the root of all evil? It contributes to rickets, diabetes, hypertension, multiple sclerosis, cancer, autism, birth defects, and now apparently, infertility.

I'm on this vitamin-taking regimen that is a bit out of hand. I'm taking 2400 IUs of Vitamin D a day. Each pill only has 250 IUs, so. There you have it.

WHY GOD? WHY AM I DEFICIENT?

First the B12, now the D.

Remember Gattaca? I would have been a janitor. I am genetically inferior.

I am the black hole of Vitamin D.

5 comments:

  1. Can I just say that I love you? Very much? You seriously just made my day.

    I think vaginas should be honored and bronzed. The things our bodies go through during pregnancy and labor have convinced me that each birth is a miracle. (Also a miracle? EPIDURALS.)

    But sweetie, don't freak yourself out. Especially about getting pregnant. Its all about timing. I have a (short!) book I can recommend if you're interested. It helped me get pregnant with Sean.

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  2. You had me at vagina. Vaginas are hands-down the most amazing body part on the planet. AMAZING. They deserve pity only because they are unsung heroes. :) I could go on, as you know. And I don't mean to include uteri and cervixes in there when I say vagina, I mean just vaginas. They make it all possible.

    I feel a bit sad that you had a conversation about vaginas and I was not party to it. I'm crazy that way.

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  3. Ummm...please don't get to the point of trying to conceive where you shoot a turkey baster full of egg whites into your vagina to hold onto the sperm. Swear to god! A former colleague told me about this little fertility gem. I think I would rather adopt.

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  4. Can I just say, even though I believe in heaven, the end of the world scares the hibijibbies out of me. Always since I was a little girl. 2 other things scare me too. Maybe I'll blog about that on my non baby blog.

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  5. I have two children, both by c-section.. which I could not be happier about. Truly. I cant imagine something THAT big coming out of something THAT small. Oh hellzzz no. That being said, there should be a National Honor The Vajayjay Day.

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