Here is what I know about weight loss programs: I love them and I hate them.
I love to track my progress because look! Progress!
I hate to track my progress because hello, I just ate a pound of peanut butter M&Ms and if I add that to my calorie count for the day, the program will demand that I drink lemon water for a week and flagellate myself. That sounded really dirty.
Also, diet programs always fail really hard. Like, big ball of flames hard. Like, it might take three years, but when it fails, you are not going to know what hit you. Hard.
Yesterday, my husband sent me this article from WebMD that says it's perfectly safe and do-able to lose lots of weight quickly, as long as you're doing it correctly. And it tells you how to do it correctly. It says this is how the people on The Biggest Loser lose weight so quickly (aside from the 7 hours of cardio every day). And ever since I read that, I became a little obsessed with the idea of it.
Sure, I'd have to eat egg whites and asparagus for two months and cardio my ass off, but then? I'd be thin and gorgeous and all of my problems would magically disappear, right?
Geneen would not approve of this.
But Geneen? I am feeling a little hopeless and impatient.
Today my husband asked me to make a breakfast burrito for him, and do you think I could make him a breakfast burrito without making myself one, too? Of course not.
My breakfast burritos contain eggs, bacon, cheese and salsa.
Then I joined a site my sister is a big fan of, called sparkpeople. It helps you track your calories and fitness, for free. And it told me I had just eaten 513 calories. Which is kind of a lot for breakfast, I'd say.
One would think that after all this time, all this introspection, all this reading, I might have it figured out. And if I had time -- a year, maybe -- I'd lose weight Geneen's way. I'd eat what I wanted when I was hungry, and stop when I wasn't. I would treat myself kindly.
But seeing as how I am preparing to attempt to procreate and I don't want to weigh five quadrillion pounds if I do, indeed, get preggers, something's got to give NOW.
And also, a rapid weight loss program would be good research for my book. Which is about a fat girl.
I think I'm going to do it.
And Geneen? Don't say peep.