So look, you guys.
I didn't care about soccer before, and I don't care about it now, even though I'm completely aware that I'm supposed to be pretending that I care and updating my twitter and facebook statuses with "GOOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!" or similarly obnoxious phrases.
For this, I apologize.
The closest I ever came to paying even the remotest bit of attention to soccer was when my boyfriend during my freshman year of high school played soccer and he would ignore the shit out of me after he lost a game, and that is how I figured out that men are dumb.
But they kind of are.
That guy became a cop.
Much later in life, I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and I think that book right there contains just about everything that either sex needs to know about the other.
After he loses his game, he needs to go sit in his man-cave. When he comes out, he will be fine. He does not want to discuss his feelings. End of story.
I also do not watch hockey, although I will certainly watch it if someone invites me to sit in their luxury box and plies me with alcohol for a few hours. I realize that the fact that the USA made it to the final game of the Olympics means that I am supposed to now enjoy hockey, but the simple fact is that I could not care any less. This probably means I am a traitor to my country.
Also -- and this may upset you -- but ALSO! I hate baseball. I really, really hate it. You're probably thinking I am exaggerating, but I have to tell you: I really detest it.
It is the most boring sport on the face of the planet. If given the opportunity to watch baseball live, even if I am plied with beers for a few hours, I honestly would prefer to go to the gynecologist. At least papsmears are quick and afterward I can go eat a donut or something.
Baseball on television is interminable. Baseball live is annoying. I can't just ignore it and chow on a hot dog because I might get beamed in the head by a foul ball.
When I interned in Florida, I was allowed to attend as many spring training games as I wanted. And I know there are people who spend lots of money and plan entire vacations around spring training. I went to one game and almost died of boredom. I did not go to any more after that.
Now, predictably, here are the "sports" I enjoy watching: Swimming, ice skating, skiing, track, football (but only when the SJSU Spartans or the SF 49ers are playing. Otherwise, snoozefest), and swamp buggy racing.
In case you wondered.
And that is all.
P.S. I also hate basketball.