Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Not recommended for beginners

Cracking this shell of exhaustion I'm trapped in has proven to be a bit more difficult than expected.

I'm tired all day long and then I go to bed and toss and turn for hours. I sleep a couple hours and then it's time to get up. Why, body? Why do torture me so?

I was thinking yoga was going to help me break out of the Circle of Lethargy (I believe I've mentioned the Circle of Lethargy here before - it involves eating poorly, not exercising and becoming increasingly lethargic. Hard to break out of). So I went to yoga on Monday. Two embarrassing things almost happened, and one embarrassing thing definitely happened. The first two are that I almost vomited and passed out. The last is that I cried. I am pretty sure it just looked like I was grimacing in pain and sweating, so whatevs. I always feel like crying in yoga, and it just happens that this time I did. What's it to ya?

Maybe if it would just stop raining.

I can't stop thinking about all of the things I should be doing. And the thought of it exhausts me. And then I blog, and it is so whiny, blergh. When I think of the things I should be doing, I imagine myself doing them. I'm like a robot in my imagination, full of energy, whisking through the house and running around town on errands, getting things done. In my imagination, I've painted the living room 25 times. The idea of my robot self exhausts me.

Today I made a list of the things I should be doing, and decided I will very slowly do them. Verrrry slowly. I put on makeup: that is a good start.

I need to quit caffeine. I think I am taking a break from alcohol. I know. What is going on here?

The Wednesday night yoga class is a Level 2-3, not Level 1. I've been sporadically doing yoga for five months. Does that make me a Level 2? The class is "not recommended for beginners." This inexplicably pisses me off. If I saw no benefit to yoga, I would cancel my membership, simply because of those four words. Yoga snobs irritate me beyond words.

I might be a little sensitive right now.

I have a list, a very long list, written on graph paper (why? I don't know. I haven't needed graph paper in years). I am looking at the list, and deciding which things are the easiest to do. The list exhausts me. I hate lists. They are so efficient.

Would you like to guest blog? You may not blog about baseball or sex or swear too much because half my readers are Catholic and the other half are my parents. Are you my mother? Would you like to guest blog? I may take a note from a dear pregnant friend, and blog from the perspective of one of the cats. Or both. Something more cheerful must appear here soon.


  1. Hang in there!
    There is no schedule for grieving and no real way of saying which way is the right or wrong way to grieve.
    In a very short span I lost my 3 remaining grandparents, an uncle and lastly my dad. People say it gets easier with time, but I really think they are full of crap. It never gets just gets a little different...eventually
    It will be 5 years at the end of June that my dear father passed and so far ended a crazy cycle of death in my world. Just last weekend I said to my husband, after thoroughly enjoying a social event, "I feel like some sort of me is finally back...and after 5 years"! Some how, with the death of loved ones, I lost the sense of joy and glee in my life. I stopped wanting to be social for the most part and EVERYTHING seemed like such a giant chore or an event to have some sort of anxiety about. I have now left that cloud of gloom and sadness leave. Suddenly, those things that caused me so much anxiety , second and third thoughts, are just gone.I have not idea what prompted this, there was no big "AH HA moment" to it...just as slowly as the cloud had come, it went away the same.
    I hope for you, that it does not take 5 years to be back to you, and out of the gloom.
    Chin up, move forward and it will fall into place.
    Looking forward to more of your blogs, whatever they may be! :)

  2. I agree with Jennifer. You're still grieving. It's natural and OK.

    If you need to cry -- do it. If you need sit on the couch with a blanket over your head for a couple days? Do it. Just don't let the depression/grief suck you so low that you can't function anymore.

    I know you hate lists, but instead of writing a "to do" list, how about you work on an accomplishments list or a "yay Erin" list? It totally sounds corny, but seeing GOOD things about yourself written on paper might perk you up.

    You could also write down some of your fave moments with your grandpa. Or reasons why you love him. You don't have to give it to anyone or put it on his grave or anything, but when my great-grandpa died, the list I made gave me amazing comfort. I put it in my hope chest -- kinda like a reminder of things I loved about him so I would never forget them. Or him.

    Chin up, sweets. It gets easier.

  3. Agreed. Grief is exhausting. I know you want to snap out of it, but don't put so much pressure on yourself.

    On another note, when did Wed become 2-3? I swear it was an all level class. I too feel the Shala is a little snobby. That said, I will be there tonight. Would love to see you.

    On yet another note, does your dear pregnant friend need a doula? ;)

    Hang in there!

  4. And PS, I'd offer to guest blog, but I'd just end up blogging about breastfeeding and you don't want that. :)

  5. Jennifer - thank you for sharing that. My husband and I have had one death in the family for every year we've been married (four), so can definitely relate.
    Shell - I'm emailing you.
    Katie - Yeah the Wed. night classed used to be for all levels but I think Bob got too snobby. Ugh. I missed tonight, couldn't stomach it. My preggo friend is in St. Louis. And also, you can guest blog about breastfeeding ANY TIME!

  6. Erin, I can relate too the tears-mine are hormonal. OK, I sound like broken record. You are too hard on yourself! Be gentle. It's not the time time to deny yourself, simple pleasures are gifts. It's all about moderation. We all love you!