My brain doesn't want to focus on this blog this week. I'm too distracted with the madness that is the month of December. Even my tweets are dwindling. The other day, I tweeted that if I had my druthers, I'd spend the entire month of December on a tropical island. Alone. Because here's what happens every December, without fail:
Everyone becomes insane.
Everyone is freaked out about buying Christmas gifts for everyone else, and planning their family get-togethers, and sending out Christmas cards and putting up the Christmas tree and BEING FESTIVE GODDAMIT. Is anyone actually able to enjoy this month any more? Anyone over the age of 12? Besides my friend, Diane, who finished her Christmas shopping before Halloween, just to piss the rest of us off?
Because, frankly, this frantic scurrying around, trying to find meaningful, non-shitty gifts for everyone, fucking sucks. And I feel like a loser because I haven't put up a Christmas tree or baked a cookie or watched "The Sound of Music" or had any eggnog or gone to Christmas in the Park, and to be honest, people? It's possible none of that stuff will happen this year. Because I can't figure out when it's going to be possible. But I know that I am supposed to HURRY UP AND ENJOY CHRISTMAS DAMMIT.
I'm sending pleading emails to family members, begging them for their Christmas wish lists and approximately -5 of them have responded. That's to be read "negative five," to emphasize that NO ONE has sent me their list (which is a lie, now, my mom sent hers today but THAT'S IT) and I'm about to get very un-Christmas-spirity and send a nasty email letting everyone know that if they don't send me their lists, they're all getting liquor for Christmas and I'm showing up for the family gathering drunk. Which isn't too far removed from any other Christmas, but I'm trying to be CHEERFUL and GIVING and THOUGHTFUL here.
I need their lists now because I refuse to go to an actual store to purchase gifts. I haven't physically gone Christmas shopping for a couple of years now, since I found myself sobbing in the REI parking lot because I couldn't find a gift for my brother-in-law (which by the way, HARDEST PERSON TO SHOP FOR EVER). When that happened, I realized that A) I was taking Christmas way too seriously and B) I could never, ever go shopping for Christmas gifts again. It's so much more pleasant to buy everything online and then cross your fingers and hope it arrives on time.
To make my life just a skoch more difficult, I've created a couple of Christmas projects for myself -- namely a calendar that I plan to gift to all of my family members and a photo Christmas card, which we have yet to even take the photo of! I apparently was struck with amnesia in November and forgot that I am liable to go fricking bonkers during a NORMAL Christmas season, much less during one in which I've created "fun" projects for myself. I must hate myself. At this rate, it may be February when our Christmas cards finally go out.
Anyway, I know I'm making a bit of a mountain out of a mole hill, but I do this every year. Some day I'll have it all figured out, and by then I'll probably be 70 years old and I can give everyone chocolate covered cherries and slipper socks for Christmas every year and everyone will think it's charming. Until then, I've got some snarky e-mails to send.