Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Wherein karma says "nuh-uh"

I won't lie. Last week was a real bitch.

There are lots of reasons for that, involving various people and me, and frankly, anytime I am involved in a bad situation, it just seems to get worse. So these mysterious situations have been going on (I know. Why have a blog if you won't even discuss it? It's f*&king retarded. I know) and I was as sick as a dog and there's the whole situation with my grandparents, not to mention that the mere thought of the holidays is making me a little bonkers, plus every time I see an old woman I swear to God she looks just like my grandmother who passed away in November and I'm thinking SHIT when is this going to stop happening? When can I watch a simple commercial for Ben-Gay without dissolving into tears? It's going to be a while, I'm afraid. Also, everyone keeps saying how wonderful the fall weather is and talking about how they're doing their fall decorating and making pumpkin bread and visiting pumpkin patches and curling up contentedly with their mugs of cocoa and all the while I'm just thinking, who the fuck has time to decorate for fall? Much less purchase and own "fall decorations." When I was a kid we decorated for one holiday: Christmas. Now there's all kinds of decorating I'm supposed to be doing as a perfect wife and keeper of the house, when, let's face it, I can barely get out of bed in the mornings and we're lucky any time I manage to make dinner, so putting up fall decorations? Yeah, that shit isn't happening. And also, I'm fat. And old.

So I was so happy to feel kind of OK over the weekend (even though SITUATIONS with PEOPLE were going on) that I was determined to plant some plants in the front yard. And I took a hoe and I whacked away at the packed soil that had the approximate consistency of granite, all the while thinking, Gosh, this is so cathartic, I can take out my frustrations on this dirt and it just looks like I'm vigorously hoeing! So Hubs and I spent several hours in the yard doing that, and when we were done we had, like, five measly plants in the ground and it looked rather unimpressive and to say that Hubs was skeptical and unimpressed is an understatement.

Then on Sunday we got up early and walked in the 5K (which, to clarify, it was really only 2 miles, ok? Are you happy now, Hubs?) and then yesterday I got SICK AGAIN.

So it's possible that I pushed too hard, too fast. After all, when one is recovering from the flu (and let's get real here. I had the swine flu), one should probably not hoe insanely in one's garden or go for walks on chilly mornings. But probably what is really going on is that I have AIDS. Let's just face it. My immune system is so weak that it can't fight off even a simple cold at this point, and since this is the third time I've been sick in three weeks, it seems obvious to me that my days are numbered and I should probably go in for testing. Perhaps I can testify in front of Congress about my AIDS. I'm not sure how it would help anything, but I've always wanted to tell Congress something.

And as if having AIDS weren't bad enough, on Saturday I am going to be 31. Shit!

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