Friday, October 30, 2009

Newsflash: I am still a little fatty fatterton!

So first of all, can I just say that the way I look in photos? Yeah, that's not what I really look like. I don't look nearly as hideous and fat in real life as I do in photos, JUST SO YA KNOW. Ask my husband. He will tell you that normally I look at least passable, but if he takes a photo of me, it's simply grotesque. I am not photogenic, goddamit. I am actually the opposite. I could be making a perfectly normal face in real life and someone will snap a photo of me and suddenly I look like I've got a snaggle tooth, 42 chins and a disturbingly yellow pallor.

Enough of that.

Yesterday I went to the doctor for the follow-up to my desperate flu visit a couple of weeks ago whence I received a double dosage of antibiotics and enough decongestants and nasal spray to ... well, to get rid of the fucking nasty hanger-onner of a disease that I had.

I was dreading the blood pressure test, knowing I'd very likely flunk it, so I was trying to be very zen. I was thinking about kittens and nap time and even making myself a little sleepy. Nonetheless, my blood pressure was 150/100. In case you're wondering, this is very not OK with doctors. My goal blood pressure is 120/80. My doctor starts to fling around words like "stroke" and "heart attack" and "medication" when she takes my blood pressure. Personally, I believe my blood pressure is only high in her office because she freaks me out. Nonetheless, your blood pressure is not supposed to reach these unsafe levels when you're not really under duress.

So my doctor asks me "Do you eat salt?"

I think of dinner the night before: Taco Bell. Salt, with a little salt on top?

"Yes," I admit.

"Stop eating salt. No salt, ever. Don't eat it."

So. I was a little depressed about this. If I'd agreed to take medication, she would have told me to cut back a little and we'd see how it goes, but since I'm not interested in medicating more than I already am, she wants me to completely cut out salt.

She started writing two lists. One said "bad" and on that list were things like cheese, processed meat, ketchup, bread, french fries. The other list said "good," and I kid you not, it had three things on it, and they were: Fruit, vegetables and mustard.

Seriously? I can eat fruit, vegetables and mustard? I'll get right on that.

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